Friday, June 20, 2008
I Feel I Must Change the Tone of this Blog
It has come to my attention that I have offended some people, and for that I am truly sorry for saying anything that might be what I think.
Therefore, I obviously will have to change the way I think.
My new and loving blog will reflect these changes and we will now have Rules, as do any other nice and respectable and popular blogs on the internet.
These rules will make us all happy.
Let us commence...breathe deeply...and be filled with the spirit of all-consuming happiness...yes, I'll hold your purse for you...relax...think happy thoughts...
THE RULES
1. When you sit down to read my blog, you must be nicely dressed (no pajamas or sweatpants), your hair neatly combed and your teeth brushed. Even if I can't see you, it doesn't matter, I can tell. Dress for success, I always say!
2. Empty your mind of impure thoughts.
No pornography, (for instance, of men having intercourse with snakes), or anything of the like will be seen here. Some people think looking at porn is perfectly normal, then the next thing you know, they're screwing a Yorkshire Terrier.
3. Sit in an upright and attentive manner.
This is good for your back. Get up and stretch often, as posts may now become quite boring.
4. When reading my posts, read each word carefully, take notes, and mentally prepare yourself for a thoughtful, intelligent and polite response.
If I have misspelled any words, write them down and address it to me in an ordered list at the end of your comment, and I will immediately correct my mistake.
5. Everyone who comes here MUST comment!
It's only polite and it's part of The Rules. If you don't comment, I might cry and not sleep and close down my blog.
6. However, you may only comment ONCE.
We all know how important it is to me to have a very high comment count, BUT, commenting more than once per post might artificially inflate my comment count and mistakenly give someone the impression that I get a lot of comments and are more popular than they are. This is the equivalent of LYING and LIARS GO TO HELL.
7. Cursing will NO longer be tolerated.
Do not use words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. These words are not at all funny and may cause someone pain to read them, especially when they don't want to be here reading anyway, but yet can't help looking, so they might accidentally see the words Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. Anyone who uses the words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore will be banished and their comment removed.
8. Making fun of others will not be tolerated!
Making fun of blonds, the mentally disabled (well, those are the same thing), people who have an unfortunate physical appearance and people who are drunks is not a nice thing to do. People can't help the way they look and people can't help it if they drink too much and can't get up to go to church. This does not mean they are not religious, it just means they are alcoholics.
9. I expect my readers to attend church on Sunday.
The early service.
10. Speaking of church; Thou shalt not commit adultery.
If someone you know commits adultery, you must pretend not to know. But if forced against your will to hear the details, tell them "it's lovely"! Then go to your back yard and put your head in a gopher hole.
11. Do not gossip. Do not listen to gossip.
If others are talking about you, it is not gossip, it is just called "talk", but if you "talk", it is "gossip", for sure, and your "Gossip" is the bad kind of "talk".
This may sound confusing to you. So to be safe, just shut your mouth and don't ever say anything. This will make people happy.
12. Conflict is bad. Free and creative expression often leads to conflict. Bad, bad, bad.
Since you are forced to go to someone's site every day and read what they say, if something someone says offends you, be sure to try to make them change.
If you cannot make them change immediately, make a post about them at least once a month until they change. If this doesn't work, write your congressman. He will make them change.
13. The key to your happiness is for everyone to be just like you and to do what you want, so do not allow others to have different thoughts.
Different = evil
Same = good!
Daily Prayer:
And now, will you please all join hands and sing.
Please form an orderly line to leave your comment.
And remember! You are being monitored by the Blog Police, so please don't say anything that will cause me to be arrested! Or make me cry. You know I'm a cryer.
Share the LOVE!
Therefore, I obviously will have to change the way I think.
My new and loving blog will reflect these changes and we will now have Rules, as do any other nice and respectable and popular blogs on the internet.
These rules will make us all happy.
Let us commence...breathe deeply...and be filled with the spirit of all-consuming happiness...yes, I'll hold your purse for you...relax...think happy thoughts...
THE RULES
1. When you sit down to read my blog, you must be nicely dressed (no pajamas or sweatpants), your hair neatly combed and your teeth brushed. Even if I can't see you, it doesn't matter, I can tell. Dress for success, I always say!
2. Empty your mind of impure thoughts.
No pornography, (for instance, of men having intercourse with snakes), or anything of the like will be seen here. Some people think looking at porn is perfectly normal, then the next thing you know, they're screwing a Yorkshire Terrier.
3. Sit in an upright and attentive manner.
This is good for your back. Get up and stretch often, as posts may now become quite boring.
4. When reading my posts, read each word carefully, take notes, and mentally prepare yourself for a thoughtful, intelligent and polite response.
If I have misspelled any words, write them down and address it to me in an ordered list at the end of your comment, and I will immediately correct my mistake.
5. Everyone who comes here MUST comment!
It's only polite and it's part of The Rules. If you don't comment, I might cry and not sleep and close down my blog.
6. However, you may only comment ONCE.
We all know how important it is to me to have a very high comment count, BUT, commenting more than once per post might artificially inflate my comment count and mistakenly give someone the impression that I get a lot of comments and are more popular than they are. This is the equivalent of LYING and LIARS GO TO HELL.
7. Cursing will NO longer be tolerated.
Do not use words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. These words are not at all funny and may cause someone pain to read them, especially when they don't want to be here reading anyway, but yet can't help looking, so they might accidentally see the words Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. Anyone who uses the words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore will be banished and their comment removed.
8. Making fun of others will not be tolerated!
Making fun of blonds, the mentally disabled (well, those are the same thing), people who have an unfortunate physical appearance and people who are drunks is not a nice thing to do. People can't help the way they look and people can't help it if they drink too much and can't get up to go to church. This does not mean they are not religious, it just means they are alcoholics.
9. I expect my readers to attend church on Sunday.
The early service.
10. Speaking of church; Thou shalt not commit adultery.
If someone you know commits adultery, you must pretend not to know. But if forced against your will to hear the details, tell them "it's lovely"! Then go to your back yard and put your head in a gopher hole.
11. Do not gossip. Do not listen to gossip.
If others are talking about you, it is not gossip, it is just called "talk", but if you "talk", it is "gossip", for sure, and your "Gossip" is the bad kind of "talk".
This may sound confusing to you. So to be safe, just shut your mouth and don't ever say anything. This will make people happy.
12. Conflict is bad. Free and creative expression often leads to conflict. Bad, bad, bad.
Since you are forced to go to someone's site every day and read what they say, if something someone says offends you, be sure to try to make them change.
If you cannot make them change immediately, make a post about them at least once a month until they change. If this doesn't work, write your congressman. He will make them change.
13. The key to your happiness is for everyone to be just like you and to do what you want, so do not allow others to have different thoughts.
Different = evil
Same = good!
Daily Prayer:
And now, will you please all join hands and sing.
Please form an orderly line to leave your comment.
And remember! You are being monitored by the Blog Police, so please don't say anything that will cause me to be arrested! Or make me cry. You know I'm a cryer.
Share the LOVE!
Labels: Blog Whores
