one thing I HATE about today.

I'm a Twit

2009-01-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

Since I can't be bothered to write a whole blog post, you can follow me on Twitter for live, up to the second and unedited snippets of my brain from throughout the day!
Very scary.

Follow me to the Dark Side, click here!

Merry Ho-Ho!

2008-12-20T15:17:00.000-08:00

Hey! Where've I been?
I unwittingly started another business, making hats. I just took it up as a little hobby for the winter, and now I'm selling them. So if I get on a good and easy design that sells well and make them all summer, then maybe by next year I'll make more than $4 bucks an hour on them. Isn't that crazy? But it's fun and I still don't have to get up to an alarm clock every damn morning and drive myself out into the rat-race world and slave for The Man, so, what the Hell?
Go ahead, call the IRS on me, I don't care; I'll just incorporate into an actual business and write everything off as a loss. Heh.

I've been so busy, I haven't really even thought much of Christmas. We finally decorated the house last weekend and I only got half the stuff out. We did the outside lights and everything, though, that's my favorite part. When we first moved here, I found these purple lights, the C-7 size, you know, the large sort of bulbs? And I thought they would be cool, but once they were up and night fell, they looked like hot pink.
Yeah. That was fucking cute. My husband's biker friends really liked that.
So the next year, I went out and got clear white ones, none of these painted bulbs that were going to turn out to be some fairy color, just clear, right? Well, since there's no coating of any sort to dull the wattage, now my house lights up the whole street and it looks like you're pulling up to a flippin' 7-11. Plus, I'm not that far from the airport. Every time I hear a plane overhead, I cringe and run over and flip the switch to off for a minute.
I mean, bright.
Oh well. No need for porch lights.

And it's been cold.
Exhibit A:

That's right now at 3 0'clock. And that's warm. Last week, the high was 7. SEVEN. Degrees. Fahrenheit. The high. Seven. That's freakin' ridiculous. It's totally uncalled for.
We decided instead of having Christmas, we'd pay the heating bill and the cable bill. I'm such a retard (well actually, I'm smarter than my husband because I'm the one who figured it out) I only recently discovered "On-Demand" and we've probably had it since we've had digital cable, what, a couple years now? So we have a whole new world of movies and series we can watch when we want to and for free.
Duh.
So we decided the amount we pay for cable a month is worth it again. Just like when we first got the high speed internet, "I'd pay $800 a month for this shit!"
Totally worth it.

So I did all my Christmas shopping today in one hour, although I went out in a blizzard just to get to Wal*Mart and I could have died getting there. I watched other people risk their lives just to get to the shopping centers and buy crap they didn't need and contemplated the meaning of life and also what their credit card bill will look like in January. What's it all for? We spent maybe $100 bucks. We got all the kids each two presents a piece (we buy them about 2 presents a month all through the rest of the year, anyway, those kids want for nothing) and I sent my mom a photo album with photos and that's about it. Is that tacky? Should I be saying that? Oh well, too bad. People overspend on Christmas and should probably be ashamed of themselves, whether they can afford it or not. And you know what? Christmas is over in 5 days. You should be enjoying the season instead of buying shit.

The highlight of the shopping trip was our cashier. OMG! She was so sweet I wanted to lick her! What a doll. She was either-
a.) an Angel
b.) on drugs, or
c.) a temp employee
I'm guessing, "c". Or maybe, "all of the above." A temporarily employed, stoned angel.
She loved everything! She loved everything and every color of every item I bought. She was cracking me up. I thought she was going to say,
"Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart and I love you!" and then I would have had to say, "I love you, too."
That would have been awkward.

So if you didn't get a card from me, don't feel bad. Here's your card - print this out and sign it, "Merry ho-ho, much love, Annie"-

Merry Christmas!

Hide Your Ass

2008-12-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

( Updated from November 14th post:)

Oh, Hi, visitors from Virginia!

You must have forgotten about this ~ Clicky

Or this: ~ clicky

Or this: ~ Clicky

I have screen shots of all those stats of hours she and her daughter spent making those rude comments, originating from her computer.
And there's more. That's just a small sampling.

---------------------

Your attempt to hide yourselves through the retardedly named proxy "Hide my Ass" does not work.

Like I said before, I have no problem saying shit "to your face", as it were, this being the internet and all.
I have no reason to be anonymous nor to stalk you.

You and your daughter, on the other hand, are obsessed, chicken-shit stalkers.

Please find some mental help and get over it. I would certainly like to forget about you, but it's kinda hard. In the last week, you have clicked on EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of my archives. Go the Hell away.
Aren't you finished yet, or can't you fucking read?

Although I will miss the humorous posts, but then, what could TOP the
"I think my Doggy was ass-raped by the Groomer" story????

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!
.

Four out of Five Politicians Surveyed Prefer Unarmed and Ignorant Peasants

2008-11-15T14:57:00.000-08:00

Helloo? Where've I been? I'm still here!
Leemmee see, what have I been up to...
I've taken up crocheting and have become absolutely addicted to it. I LOVE it! I find myself sneaking out of the house to go buy just ONE more different color of yarn. But that's boring, we'll talk about that later...

I'm thrilled about Barack Obama winning the election. I would never vote for a Republican, so it was a given I'd vote for him, but I support his ideas and I'm especially proud to have voted for the first Black president. Thrilled. Ecstatic, even. If nothing else than to think of all the right-wing conservatives gnashing their teeth and tearing their hair out over it. That thought pleases me to no end. It makes a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy.

And now everyone is running out and buying guns? That's hilarious. I think it has less to do with Obama being elected than the economy going down the tank. Besides fending off suburban marauders that will come begging for your pantry stores,
("You want to borrow a cup of SUGAR?! Are you fucking CRAZY?!" *Bang-bang-bang!* "Get off my doorstep!")
or perhaps taking up crime yourself and holding up the grocery store for a cart of canned soup and a couple gallons of milk, a gun could come in handy for feeding ourselves. We may have to resort to shooting our own dinner. A little squirrel casserole. You know, I don't see squirrels around here, mainly chipmunks. I guess we have wildlife around here, but I see mostly birds and stray cats. Oh! There's the rock chucks. A lady down the street had one under her house once, and you often see them standing up on their hind legs, watching the traffic go by, so they're not very bright. Or are they? I don't see many laying by the side of the road. I guess they've got the traffic surveyed pretty well, actually. Those guys get pretty big. I wonder what they taste like? So yeah, a gun could come in handy.

I highly support the right to bear arms. I've kept them all my life and so did my dad. He was an avid huntsman, but he also kept them for protection. Me, I am not into shooting animals, I have never, ever shot a poor defenseless animal. I don't think I could ever do it. I keep guns on the off chance I may have to shoot a person. Have I ever?
Naaah...
*kicks disappointedly at the ground*

When I first was dating my husband I had been single (by choice) for a few years. He came over one day and I had this stupid exposed conduit coming off the porch light (I didn't do this, the house came like that) and it ran another light to the other end of the porch. I had taken the light bulb out, because who needs the far end of the porch lit up like that? It was stupid and ugly. So he says,
"I can take that conduit and light off for you if you want," (he used to be an electrician) and I said,
"Yes! I hate that thing!" and he said,
"Next time I come over I'll bring..." (just like a fucking man, talk the talk and then try to procrastinate) and I was already inside pulling my toolbox and the other larger tools out from under the kitchen sink.

"Woah!" he said, "A woman with TOOLS!"
You betcha. I pretty much had everything. Well, except a table saw or large stuff like all the tools we've accumulated now, but you know, all the basics. He said,
"But I could really use a drill gun..." just as I was pulling it out and pulling the trigger to see if the battery was charged up. Whizzzzzz! I LOVE my cordless, I tell every lady, you HAVE to have a cordless drill. HAVE to.
His eyes lit up with admiration for me.
"I think I love you," he said. No it wasn't the first time, but he definitely was learning more about me.
"Oh, that's nothin," I said and walked back to the bedroom and came back with my 9mm pistol.
"Oh, holy SHIT! Okay, now I KNOW I love you!"

So not to be outdone, soon after we got married, Mr. Man had to have his OWN gun. He had a rifle for shooting Bambi's but now he wanted a pistol, same as mine. So he skips off to the gun store and comes back empty-handed, literally. They refused him a gun. All his felony arrests in California finally caught up to him. Well, he had a lot of arrests, but he had never actually been convicted of any felony (I'm so proud!) so he had to call around and try to get it straightened out. Do you know how many friggin counties there are in the Bay Area? Like, 10 or 15 or something... OK, I looked it up, 9, but he was arrested in most of them. He HAD to pick a place like the Bay Area to tear up in his foolish youth.

~ funny aside, sub-plot~

This is a funny story - one arrest was for, oh I forget what they called it, but nowadays it would be called a terrorist threat. He was at his regular biker bar hangout with all his buddies drinking for the night and they had just got a new cocktail waitress. The guys were the "regular" crowd that brought in plenty of money and they tipped well enough, but as the night would wear on, sometimes it would be more drinking and less tipping.
So the little new gal brought them another round and was kinda standing there, smiling, waiting for her handout, and one of the guys was all "WTF?" and another guy says,
"She's waitin' for her tip, boys," and my smart-ass husband happened (?!) to have one of those fake dud hand-grenades on him (standard Biker issue, doncha-know) and he plops it on her cocktail tray and goes,
"There's your tip!"
And the table explodes... in laughter! And the poor little girl goes screaming into the back office and the cops were called and etc. and they were banned from the bar... until the following Friday and the hiring of a new and more street-savvy cocktail waitress who knew how to deal with rowdy drunken bikers. The owner loved them and wasn't about to lose his best customers. When they came back into the the bar, there by the front door, the owner had taken an old milk crate and nailed it to the wall and made a little hand-written sign above it that read:

Please deposit all fire-arms and hand-grenades at the door.
Thank You!
~the Management

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

~end sub-plot~

So anyway, my husband had spent about a week on the phone with various California government agencies and they finally sent him an official letter with a State seal or something saying his record had been expunged (again, I'm so proud!) and 3 weeks later he was cleared to go pick up his gun.

We went downtown to pick it up and then out to the firing range to test it out. I was kind of nervous on the way there when I realized that I hadn't even shot a gun in over 3 years. When I had my farm house out in the county, I could just walk outside and shoot a gun off whenever I wanted, but then I moved into a neighborhood in town, so I had never bothered to keep up my target practice.
We got to the gun range and Mr. Man, Mr. Expert Marksman in the Army, explained all the procedures to me and how he was going to test out the sights on this particular gun and blah-blah-blah, my eyes glazed over and I nodded, dumbly, as I poked in my ear plugs.
*BAM!*

He called "clear" and walked out to the target (it was an outdoor range.)
"Shit! I didn't even hit it."
He came back scratching his head and spent a little more time lining up the sights.
*BAM!*

This time I heard a "thunk!" but we couldn't quite make out if he had hit the target board. He walked out and pointed to the area just outside the concentric circles of the target. Heh. At least he hit the general area this time so he was excited.
"OK, I think I got it down now. Here, you try."
He handed me the gun and I lifted it and aimed downrange, blinking at the sights and fighting my contact lenses to try to focus where I should be looking. He went on,
"Line up the sight there with the bulls-eye, just so, and then sort of aim as if the bulls-eye was just slightly higher, like about at the top of the third circle there..."
*BAM!*

"Hey!" he said, "I wasn't finished explaining how..."
Grumble-grumble, he stomped off to check the target board. He turned around and looked at me with that same miffed look he had when he missed the first shot.
"Bulls-eye."

His look of admiration for his wife's skills, like when he had first seen my tool collection, seemed different this time. It seemed to be tinged with a little fear.
He took the clip out of the gun, checked the chamber, packed it up in the case and said,
"Well, we're done here. Let's go home."

Daily Prayer:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

What do you think of gun laws and guns in general?
Are laws too strict or too loose? Why?

It's Election Day

2008-10-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Weee! Yes, it is! I just got my ballot in the mail!
In our state, we vote by mail. Not an absentee or special request ballot or anything, the whole state votes by mail. Does anyone else do that? I need to look that up, hmmm... Washington state? But not all of it. What? Are you kidding me? I live in the greatest state in the Union! Think of me on November 4th while you're trying to make time and driving around like a maniac and then standing in line for hours to vote.

I can't believe there are still people undecided on how they're going to vote.
If you haven't decided who you're going to vote for by now, maybe you just shouldn't vote. If you are basing your decisions based solely on the debates, you're LAZY and are not going to get completely accurate information from either candidate. They're going to say things and stretch the truth because they know that's what is going to stick in voter's minds. It's not the talent competition of a beauty contest (because if it were, Obama would win, hee!).
Do your research. Research the history of the different parties and what they stand for. Find out how much you agree or disagree. Make up your mind NOW or get the Hell out, OK?

Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to vote, either.
Take the stupid woman who got a hold of the microphone at a McCain rally and expressed her distrust of Obama:
"I've read about him...he's a ARAB."
She's read about him alright; in a fucking viral e-mail on her computer.
"I seen it!"
I can't believe anyone that dumb can work a computer and git her e-mail. Maybe her daughter in law received that e-mail and printed it out. And then had to read it to the dumb old broad.
The sad thing? That ignoramus of a woman was actually at a McCain rally, in person, which means she's probably going to vote.
And sign her name with an "x".
That's some fucking scary shit.
*shivers*

There should be some basic questions before you fill out the ballot-

"Is Obama an Arab?" Yes or No.
If you answered "yes", then Beep! You're stupid! Your ballot is rejected!

"Where you impressed with Governor Palin's interview with Katie Couric, especially her views of on Russia?" Yes or No.
If you answered "yes", then Beep! You're stupid! Your ballot is rejected!
That interview was impressive alright, if you put it in the category of "Comedy Routine". It was funnier than Tina Fey's impressions of Palin on SNL.

"Does John McCain have an illegitimate daughter who is black?" Yes or No.
If you even care, then Beep! You're stupid! Your ballot is rejected!
His daughter is adopted from an orphanage, but even so, it shouldn't fucking matter. Bush used that smear campaign tactic against McCain's family when he wanted the GOP nomination in 2000, and it worked, because at least half of the American people are stupid cows who believe everything they hear or read in an e-mail.

My husband, who is old and Republican, has a few friends who are more conservative (and less educated) than he is and one of them, who I actually like and think is a nice person, forwarded one of those "Fwd:Fwd:" emails to him that said something to the effect that Obama is a radical Muslim sympathizer.
Ooo-boy, and I saw it.
So there was my opportunity to "Reply All" (from my husband's name, tee-hee!) to about 100 people and set the record straight. I said, "Before you forward emails with untrue 'facts about Obama', do your homework so you don't appear to be stupid," and I linked to factcheck.org where it talks about that exact email.
You know what's funny? Not a single reply. Why is that? I mean, I know these are people who mainly use their computer for the email and constantly send the "Fwd: Fwd:" shit ALL THE TIME, you know the type, the stuff I usually delete without reading. Maybe I worded it a little too harshly? With the, "so you don't appear to be stupid" remark?

Oh well. I don't care. Dipshits.
Seriously, if you're going to glean your facts from an e-mail, put down your pen and step away from the voting booth.
Or in my case, the kitchen table.

Daily Prayer:
It's almost over!

What do you think of Vote by Mail?
Jealous?

You Wanna See Cute?

2008-09-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Gives a true meaning to "Bitch Seat".

My Top 10 Fantasy Men

2008-09-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

Here's a little meme that's been going around and while I HATE meme's, I can get into this one~~'s pants.~~
My Top 10 Fantasy Men or as Miss Ann Thrope would say, "My top 10 'I would so do them' famous guys".
I am adding age and height because I'm always curious about those things.
It's hard ~~I wish~~ to put them in order, but I will try.
I wouldn't be opposed to a Ménage à dix.
----------------------------------------
These two are sharing the #10 spot because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but no sex means I get both of them as room mates, one as my stylist and one as my decorator. Nothing but styling and shopping!

#10. Tim Gunn, 55
Couldn't find his height, although several references that he's fantastically tall.

Who wouldn't like to keep him in your closet? No pun intended. He's so sweet and I adore his snooty voice.

#10. David Bromstad, 35
6' 1"

After Tim dressed me, we could all sit on my designer sofa in my gorgeously and interiorly "decorated by David" home, and sip espresso. Then the three of us would be off for a day of shopping! And then we'd sit at outdoor cafe's and play "1-100", you know, you watch guys walk past and you tick off which ones you'd do and whoever gets 100 first, wins. I bet I'd win; I'm not so picky. But I bet we could all have a good snicker behind some people's backs; "Did you SEE what he was wearing? HAH-ha-ha!"

#9. Gordon Ramsey, 41
6' 2"

Then when me and Tim and David got home, Gordon would have our dinner ready. I love a man who can cook, twirl knives, and yell in an English accent. You can yell at me any time, baby.

#8. Billy Lane, 38
Whoa! Scratch that!

While looking up his stats I discovered he killed a fellow biker while driving his truck, drunk off his ass. He's no longer sexy to me and if other bikers are like me, he lost major street cred in the biker world. Even if the other guy was riding a Yamaha scooter.

Hmmm... hot, sexy, motorcycle builder...ah-hah! That's easy -

#8. Jesse James, 39
6' 3/4"

He's a cutie, and check out those arms! With tattoo's! I like tattoo's, they turn some girls off, but with me, the more the better. Sandra Bullock, you're a lucky, lucky lady.

#7. Mick Jagger, 65
5' 10"

Remember what he looked like when he was young? Gorgeous. Those lips! He is one star who should definitely get his lips plumped, but kudos to him for not getting plastic surgery. And on stage, from a short distance, when you can't see all his wrinkles, he dances and struts for 3 solid hours, just like he did 40 years ago. That is amazing in itself. And HOT.

#6. Ben McKenzie - 29
5' 9"

My friends accused me of being a pedophile when Ben first appeared on "The O.C." playing 15 year-old Ryan. *squirm*
Hey! Ben was 24 at the time! He's adorable, not too, too pretty, like a real boy-next-door type. My husband was walking by the TV, looked at Ben and said, "Is that Russel Crowe's kid?" See, now I get the attraction.

#5. Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, 31
5' 9 1/2"

In searching for his photo I found one of him AND a hot co-star of "The Tudors" on Showtime. I can't wait for season 3! I will take them both in my chambers! Draped in velvet!
That's Jonathan, seated and the handsome Henry Cavill (25, 6' 1") next to him.
If you think "The Tudors" is some boring old show about the fat and pale King Henry the VIII of England, think again - Rhys-Meyers plays the blood-thirsty King Henry. Yum!
But don't get too attached to any body else, or their heads.

#4. Blair Underwood, 44
5' 11"

I was so mad when Miranda dumped him to get back with Steve, since that meant his stint on "Sex and the City" was over! I mean, I wanted her to get back with Steve, until this guy came along, then I was all, "Steve who? Oh yeah, her Baby Daddy. Whatever."
I'm surprised I don't have more black men on my list. Maybe I'm just not thinking.
I would put Obama, but that seems disrespectful of our next president.

#3. Chris Noth - 53
6' 1 1/2"

I love that he's not perfect, his nose is a little beak-ish and even with those horrible bags, he still has beautiful eyes. He also has love handles. I'd love to handle them.
Who doesn't love Mr. Big? Oh he could be a cad sometimes, but we understood his fear of commitment. Like nobody's ever been there.

#2. James Gandolfini, 46
6' 1/2"

In real life, he said he's a pacifist who had reservations about playing vicious Mob boss Tony Soprano. In real life, he also has a Harley! I bet he's just a big ol' Teddy bear. I like his eyes.

I figure I get to split the #1 spot, since they're both dead. What does it say about me that both my #1's were heroin-addicted musicians who died untimely deaths?
*blink*
Oh well...I don't care.

#1. Kurt Cobain - 27 or dead, whichever
5' 9 1/2"

Shortly after I moved back to the Pacific Northwest, my friends asked me if I wanted to go see a hot new band. By the late '80's I was thoroughly sick of "Hair Metal" bands whose members were prettier than girls, with their perfectly permed hair, make-up and spandex. Oh no, my friend assured me this band was nothing like that. I found Kurt's music to be quite angry and oh my God, I was in love!

#1. Jerry Garcia - 53 or dead, whichever
5' 10"

Quite the opposite of angry music, my other favorite band was the Grateful Dead, and Jerry was my favorite. He just looks cuddly. I remember one time I saw them it was mid-December and Jerry's hair was a little longer than in this pic and with the stage lights shining down, it struck me -
"Oh my God! Jerry looks JUST like Santa Claus!" and some guy next to me simply said,
"Jerry IS Santa Claus."
I laughed hysterically. That statement was so right on!

So there you have an idea of men I find attractive and/or also another peek into my sick and twisted mind.

*and another piece of the puzzle falls into place*

Do you find any of these guys hot?
Are there any that totally squick you out and make you think I am the strangest girl ever?

God Bless America

2008-08-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well, John McCain pulled a fast one - he chose Tina Fey as his running mate!

Their voices are even the same! Tina won't have to stretch at all to imitate Sarah.
SNL!
SNL!
SNL!

But seriously, this was a slick move, McCain! Touche!
I think he did this to sway the women who were for Hillary, some of whom then became a group of women who could be persuaded to switch parties just because Hilary was no longer in the running. He's now won them over, but that was easy because those women are already stupid traitors, to their party AND to womanhood.
I wonder if Obama is kicking himself now for not choosing Hillary?

I picture McCain made out a photo line-up of every woman Republican senator and governor and went-

"Eeeny-meeny-miny-moe
Which one of these broads is the best lookin' 'ho?"

Sarah Palin is political arm candy.

But I do find great joy in the bright spot in all of this; we will have either the first black president OR the first woman vice president. That is totally cool!

*And the Good 'Ol Boys everywhere sigh a collective groan and clutch their chests*

Daily Prayer:
Take that, white boys.

And there you have my intelligent discussion on politics for the day.
What do you think?

Roaming Thoughts

2008-08-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

So, I noticed when I blog about something completely benign, everyday sort of crap, no one is really interested, but if I so much as hint at the least little bit of drama, in the most round-a-bout way possible, people gawk in droves. Even the people who claim not to like drama and want nothing to do with it. I think they lie. They like a good train wreck, just like the next person. They're just in denial.

Which got me to contemplating the so-called "Blogosphere". Not just a little corner of it, which is really the only little world most of us are willing to venture into, like a person without a passport who can't imagine traveling to another country.
Another thing that prompted me to think about the Blogosphere was a certain celebrity blogger was recently (December 2007) quoted as saying there were more than 75,000 blogs out there. Maybe she meant, only 75,000 that really count. Or maybe, she can't count.
Or maybe, she's a complete idiot.

I have to agree with a few of my blog friends (I can't believe I just made 3 links in a row like that, because I HATE when people do that! In fact, I hate more than one link in a post. What I hate even more is when the link is to the writer's OWN fucking posts and it's not necessarily even relevant to their current post, they just want you to go back and read 6 or 7 posts or their ENTIRE life story or whatever. I came to read a post, NOT 10 posts, OK? But I digress) that the more I read, the less I like.
But, I'm that way with people, too. I'm very particular about who I hang out with. It's quality, not quantity.

Aside from the blogging-for-money factor, because people will swallow scorpions and light themselves on fire if money is involved - what is this compelling need bloggers have to "see and be seen", the "reading for the train wreck factor" (that one's hard for me, though!), the "putting on a show"? Is it because that's more interesting than everyday "real" life? Or in some cases, are people who don't have a normal "everyday life" trying to make it appear as if they do? Or wishing so hard to make it so?
"If I blog it, they will come."
If your "real" everyday life is boring and if portraying your everyday life to the internet is fabricated, whether to appear more exciting or tragic or idyllic, then where is the happy medium?
Are we really story-tellers? Or liars? Or just plain delusional, thinking that someone else might find us interesting?

What do you think?
And what do you like to see me blog about?

More Junk Treasures

2008-08-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

The first house I owned was an old farm house on two acres with orchard land all around. God! I miss that place, especially now that I live in the 'burbs, with neighbors.
*sigh*
I totally remodeled the inside, new floors, new counter-tops, entirely new bathroom. Well, "I" didn't do the bathroom or the counter-tops, but I painted the whole thing myself, even the outside. By the time I got done, I had spent all my money and had absolutely nothing to decorate it with except my kids pictures, so I set out to "find stuff" as cheap as possible.

I found this "thing" in a box of kitchen gadget type stuff at a garage sale. Mismatched silverware, egg-slicers, things like that. I pulled this out and at first I didn't really know what it was, until I read the obvious measurement on the side. For 50 cents I thought it looked interesting enough to take home. I've Googled it and found two that were almost identical and it said they were from the 1890's:

And after I spent a few years of "finding stuff" for my old farm house, it looked like Grandma had not cleaned the place out since 1890!

Do you prefer living in the city or in the country?

Bargains

2008-08-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it, when you finally clean out the closets and take a car full of bags stuffed with your unwanted items to the thrift store, you have to go inside and find something to drag back home with you?

I guess because they were $1 each.

Do you ever shop at thrift stores?
Would you like to see my other ~~cheap~~ treasures I've collected over the years?

Whilst You Were Blogging...

2008-07-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've noticed something, don't ask me where, but I've seen it more than a few times...
why are bloggers going around typing "whilst"?
I realize it's perfectly acceptable for the Australians or the British to use "whilst". My British friends say it all the time and I find it incredibly charming,(because I adore the British!) but Americans? No.
I'll be reading along and then a "whilst" pops up and I screech to a halt, thinking, "What? Why didn't I realize before that this person was from England?" (because I adore the British!) and then I go searching their profile, and find out they're American and I'm thoroughly confused. I mean, I realize they may just be joking around, trying to be amusingly snooty, or condescendingly haughty, trying to emphasize some sort of silly point, but sometimes I think some people are using it seriously.

Do they say "whilst" out loud, "in real life"? Or just typing? Is this an East coast thing and I'm so woefully untraveled in my own country that I don't know there are little pockets of communities in the US of A where people are walking around saying, "whilst"? Because whilst I would love to use the word "whilst" (Hah! See how I snuck that in there and used it in a proper sentence?) I think it sounds hideously pretentious, like Madonna and her fake British accent (because I adore the British! and she's NOT fucking British!) when we all know very well she grew up in friggin Bay City, Michigan and should have one of those nastily annoying mid-western accents. (We have a new lady on our local news and she the most annoying accent! I looked up her profile. Yep, she's from Wisconsin, or Wis-caaan-siin, as she would say. She's been relegated to a few short "human interest" stories a couple times a week. She ain't goin' far in this business. Huh. I threw in some Western dialect for ya, there.)

When I looked it up in Wikipedia, it said the exact same thing I thought about "whilst":
"In American English, it can be considered pretentious or archaic."
I rest my case.

Have you seen or heard AMERICAN people - you know, IN THE U.S.A. - using "whilst"? Were they joking, or were they serious?
Did you laugh at them?

Calling All Bloggers

2008-07-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

EDIT: Karen also has some ideas, click here, about sending Lisa's story to anyone you can think of. For donations and/or another type of treatment for her cancer. You are welcome to copy and paste any part of my post if that will help you.

Remember Lisa?
She is my friend who is on her 3rd round of battling cancer. After thinking it was recurring ovarian cancer, the doctors figured out is was a different and rare cancer. Whatever stupid kind of cancer it is, Lisa set out to battle it yet again.

Before she began her latest round of chemo, the Blogosphere held a raffle to collect money (last April, remember?) so she could take her two little girls and her husband to Disney World... it was her one wish, to have a happy time with her family and for her girls to have that special memory of a fantastic trip, before they had to see Lisa start chemo for the 3rd time. It was a wonderful success! Thanks to SO MANY bloggers who donated and spread the word!

Now, things have gotten worse for Lisa. The unemployment office won't give her unemployment because she "selfishly" denied work on Thursday afternoons so she could go to chemotherapy. Social Security has denied her any money, because I guess they figure she can "get better" and be able to work. Hopefully, that is what will happen, but she was a bit sick, going through this chemotherapy and all.

Yesterday, her Doctor stopped treatment.
Her body was not responding to the chemo and her cancer is growing. They don't know how to proceed.
Lisa responded by coming home and working furiously on her "Cancer Awareness Jewelry" . She sells these and the proceeds help her to get by. I know she is probably too proud to ask and had to be TOLD to put up her "Donations" page. Please check out her jewelery or her donations page Click Here. Every dollar helps.
Or just visit Lisa and read her Fire Cracker rants!
And perhaps leave a word of encouragement.

I know it can be uncomfortable visiting a stranger, especially in this situation, and it's not something I usually ask of anybody. But you are missing out if you don't know her! Lisa is feisty, funny, snarky and a fighter!
Please, just do it for me, because I love her.

Oh, and Just in my Opinion...

2008-07-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Insanity is Hereditary

2008-07-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

The promised psycho-mommy stories, I always know there will be something...
let me see...

The usual insults of people, not some random person on the street; I mean, people who are close to whoever she's talking to... I was showing her a bunch of photos on the computer and she called my friend's 2-year-old kid ugly (actually, "not photogenic", but I know to her that means "ugly") and then laughed nervously. She does that, she makes an insult and then laughs like she shouldn't have said it. Sure, we all laugh about some random photo, but when it's someone close to you, you just keep your mouth shut, right? She has no filter between the two and besides pissing me off, it's mortifying because she didn't say it just to me, she said it in front of a bunch of people. Not my friend, of course, my friend and her baby weren't there. Thank God. Or I'd have to kill somebody.

I can't decide what's wackier, (in case you didn't read the links from my last post) coming 1500 miles to see the baby and spending 4 days looking at him with the affection of someone who's allergic to bees looking at a beehive; the disappearing and sitting outside at a restaurant while we ate breakfast because she had already had the continental breakfast at her hotel; or the serious reprimanding I got and calling me a thief because I wanted to take a roll of toilet paper from the hotel. She was seriously disgusted at me! Thinking of taking roll of toilet paper from the hotel where she paid $149 dollars a night plus tax is stealing. It's not right.
(Something is not right, I'm tellin' ya.)

But, included with these, a NEW contender for all time strangeness has emerged:
She was at my house almost 4 hours for dinner and what-not, and she never put her purse down, not once, not even at the dinner table.

I know that a lot of this stuff sounds petty, but it's just on top of everything else.
I'm sure the attachment to her purse is because she thinks her family would steal from her. In fact I know she thinks that. My amused observation began to turn to anger.

It reminded me of something that started when I was about 10 years old. The first few times our house ever got broken into, she thought it was my brother (he's 8 years older than me and had moved out the year before.) I think she still thinks that. Never mind that he later moved out of state and the 8 more times our house was burglarized. The few times the people were caught, they were absolutely nobody that we knew or even lived near us or anything. They were some druggies from the city. That's why doctors should not publish their home address in the phone book, because criminals think that
a.) the house is filled with jewels and buckets of money
b.) the medicine cabinet is stocked full of mind-altering drugs

But that's the way she thinks, how she's thought ever since I can remember. That more than likely, of all people in the world, your children are the first people who will rob you and trash your house. That is what she thinks of her children.

I don't know what's wrong with her. You probably think my reactions to it are not completely normal, either. I know that, too. A lot of it's mixed up with ancient history and other issues that I haven't went in to, but I've dealt with a lot of the serious ones and put them behind me. Or, so I like to think. Humor me here, OK?
I have to deal with her in my own way by, uh... a preliminary freak-out and then sucking it up and acting normal. People wonder why I flip out a little just before she gets here. They don't understand and think it's not a big deal. That's because I have to mentally prepare so it's NOT a big deal. Then you know what happens? Some of the people in my family haven't come to the full realization of the mechanics of dysfunctionality and get caught off guard by my mother's strange behavior. Then I watch those same people, who the week before were telling me to "chill", have a complete meltdown during and after she's here. It's sad to watch the confusion when they don't understand why.

See, now that she's gone, I'm perfectly fine for another year!

*twitch*

Daily Prayer:
Thank God that's over.

Which one do you vote for "most psycho-mommy story"?
1. Insulting your family's friends
2. Get that baby away from me!
3. I'll sit outside while you all eat
4. Taking toilet paper from your own hotel room is stealing
5. My children steal from me

Family Bullets or Shoot Me, Now

2008-07-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

~ Is it bad when your family hasn't yet arrived and you are already looking forward to and planning on the day they leave?

~ Isn't it strange my stomach hasn't made a flip in over a year and now it's doing cartwheels ( and not in a good way).

~ Can you imagine ME just shutting my mouth and NOT being myself because that's what being around my mother does to me? I've told you before she's a bit strange. No, let's be honest; psycho, I believe I can use the term "psycho".

~ Isn't it cool that me and my own daughter are the complete opposite of that? We are very close and can say anything to each other without fear of being reprimanded.

~ Is it a bad sign that when I went to wash all my "cute" clothes last night at 8:00 p.m. (because I wore all them all weekend) and (I have finished painting my whole house and even the laundry room! It's a beautiful shade of avocado green!) so when we pushed the washer back, somehow the main hose at the very bottom of the back came loose and luckily I caught it, but water went ALL over the floor and I spent half an hour trying to wipe it all up, and my husband was at work till 10:30 p.m. so there was no way I could move the washer out and fix it so I didn't get to wash my clothes! So now I'll have to wear my usually expected Harley tank top and jeans OH fucking WELL, that's just me, get the fuck over it.

~ So I may not be around much this week.

~ I'm sure I'll have a new Psycho Mommy story to tell you, though!

~ OK, I'm gonna go throw up now, and then it's off to the Angel Store to pick up my wings and halo!

Daily Prayer:
God, help me.

Do you have a parent that stresses you out?

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Somebody does NOT like fireworks:

She's glued to my side for the next 24 hours.

Happy 4th! And don't blow off anything I wouldn't blow!
Uh... or something like that... that didn't come off right...

Hooray for Hollywood

2008-06-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you remember, because I almost forgot myself, that almost TWO years ago, my husband fell back-asswards into a part in a movie. Or should I say "film"? A real, official type movie with S.A.G. regulations and all that stuff.
You don't have to click that link; basically what happened is, he happened to be at a motorcycle shop when the Production Assistant came in looking for "Biker" extras to be in a movie, so my husband basically took charge and contacted everyone he knew, which is basically everyone, and then two days later after they had filmed all the motorcycle scenes, out of all people, the director told the Production Assistant to get that big biker guy back for a speaking part, to play the bouncer at the concert scene.

And then...nothing.
I kept checking the movie website and the IMDB ( Internet Movie Data Base ) website for at least a year and at first it said "in production" and then after a couple months it said "post-production" for well over a year. At some point I thought, well, it's been scrapped or shelved or whatever those movie people say. I would occasionally check the IMBD and still nothing had changed. So I was pretty bummed out that my husband ends up in a movie that never got completed.

Well, I happened to check the other day and the film was premiered at the Newport Beach Film Festival! Sweet! Except I'm pissed that I didn't know about it and didn't go. Who wouldn't want an excuse to hang out in Newport? (California, the O.C., that is. Newport, Oregon is pretty scungey. Cute, but scungey.)

Then I thought, who knows, maybe his part got cut out? Oh noes! Yeah, you know how I'm the picture of positive thinking. Then I thought, screw it, I'm e-mailing the director and ask. He wrote me back almost immediately (shouldn't he be busy, like, doing Hollywood type things?) and he totally remembered my husband, even his nickname, and said, "Of course, his part's still in the movie!"

Yay! My husband is still a movie star!
He said they're trying to find a distributor right now (I'm not sure what that means?) and trying to get it into other Film Festivals.

And I use the term "star" loosely, as people may use the term "film" loosely in this case, I'm sure. Like I said in my original post, it really looks like a dumb movie (where do they get all this money to produce a really bad movie?) but when it comes out (I would hope on video, at least?) I will let you all know so you can waste two hours of your life watching a dumb movie, but hey, it's almost better than the chance you take grabbing any other unknown movie (I mean, film) at the video store, eh?

Oh, and be sure to ask for the "2008" release of that title. There's another film by that name and it's a porno flick. Heh. That would be embarrassing if you got that one and were watching it, thinking you were looking for my husband and his bit part.
Hah!
Bit part, get it? Oh, sorry honey. I was just saying if they got the wrong movie and watched it and here I am saying you had a small part.
That would be classified as a "comedy".

Daily Prayer:
Hollywood, here we come!

Would you be interested in seeing the movie? I mean, "film"?

I Feel I Must Change the Tone of this Blog

2008-06-20T19:07:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that I have offended some people, and for that I am truly sorry for saying anything that might be what I think.
Therefore, I obviously will have to change the way I think.
My new and loving blog will reflect these changes and we will now have Rules, as do any other nice and respectable and popular blogs on the internet.
These rules will make us all happy.

Let us commence...breathe deeply...and be filled with the spirit of all-consuming happiness...yes, I'll hold your purse for you...relax...think happy thoughts...

THE RULES

1. When you sit down to read my blog, you must be nicely dressed (no pajamas or sweatpants), your hair neatly combed and your teeth brushed. Even if I can't see you, it doesn't matter, I can tell. Dress for success, I always say!

2. Empty your mind of impure thoughts.
No pornography, (for instance, of men having intercourse with snakes), or anything of the like will be seen here. Some people think looking at porn is perfectly normal, then the next thing you know, they're screwing a Yorkshire Terrier.

3. Sit in an upright and attentive manner.
This is good for your back. Get up and stretch often, as posts may now become quite boring.

4. When reading my posts, read each word carefully, take notes, and mentally prepare yourself for a thoughtful, intelligent and polite response.
If I have misspelled any words, write them down and address it to me in an ordered list at the end of your comment, and I will immediately correct my mistake.

5. Everyone who comes here MUST comment!
It's only polite and it's part of The Rules. If you don't comment, I might cry and not sleep and close down my blog.

6. However, you may only comment ONCE.
We all know how important it is to me to have a very high comment count, BUT, commenting more than once per post might artificially inflate my comment count and mistakenly give someone the impression that I get a lot of comments and are more popular than they are. This is the equivalent of LYING and LIARS GO TO HELL.

7. Cursing will NO longer be tolerated.
Do not use words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. These words are not at all funny and may cause someone pain to read them, especially when they don't want to be here reading anyway, but yet can't help looking, so they might accidentally see the words Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore. Anyone who uses the words such as Fuck, Shit, Cunt, Slut or Whore will be banished and their comment removed.

8. Making fun of others will not be tolerated!
Making fun of blonds, the mentally disabled (well, those are the same thing), people who have an unfortunate physical appearance and people who are drunks is not a nice thing to do. People can't help the way they look and people can't help it if they drink too much and can't get up to go to church. This does not mean they are not religious, it just means they are alcoholics.

9. I expect my readers to attend church on Sunday.
The early service.

10. Speaking of church; Thou shalt not commit adultery.
If someone you know commits adultery, you must pretend not to know. But if forced against your will to hear the details, tell them "it's lovely"! Then go to your back yard and put your head in a gopher hole.

11. Do not gossip. Do not listen to gossip.
If others are talking about you, it is not gossip, it is just called "talk", but if you "talk", it is "gossip", for sure, and your "Gossip" is the bad kind of "talk".
This may sound confusing to you. So to be safe, just shut your mouth and don't ever say anything. This will make people happy.

12. Conflict is bad. Free and creative expression often leads to conflict. Bad, bad, bad.
Since you are forced to go to someone's site every day and read what they say, if something someone says offends you, be sure to try to make them change.
If you cannot make them change immediately, make a post about them at least once a month until they change. If this doesn't work, write your congressman. He will make them change.

13. The key to your happiness is for everyone to be just like you and to do what you want, so do not allow others to have different thoughts.
Different = evil
Same = good!

Daily Prayer:
And now, will you please all join hands and sing.

Please form an orderly line to leave your comment.
And remember! You are being monitored by the Blog Police, so please don't say anything that will cause me to be arrested! Or make me cry. You know I'm a cryer.
Share the LOVE!

Another Edition of Small Town Police Reports

2008-06-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

As you may know, I love to read our daily Police Logs. You can read some of the past highlights in the "Police Logs" category in my sidebar.
There's really not a lot of crime around here and I guess people don't really know what constitutes "crime", because they call the police about the most inconsequential things. Always a source of entertainment!
It's hard to imagine that the police in large cities probably have to deal with random stupidity on a daily basis besides actual, serious crimes.
_____________________________________________________________

* ACO Animal Control Complaint: 06:50

Officer: DUCHATEAU, CHRIS
Reporter: PERRIN, VERONICA SUZANNE

REPORT OF DEER LOST IN THE LOWES PARKING LOT.
GONE ON ARRIVAL.

Location : 1313 SW CANAL BLVD

He wasn't lost, he was probably just looking for his car. He's all, "Dude! Where's my car?" or more like, "D'oh! Where's my car?"
Get it? "D'oh" and "doe?"
Oh never mind, I've milked that for all it's worth.
_____________________________________________________________

Speaking of milk-

* ANIMAL / All Complaints Referred to
Animal Control Officer(s): 07:45

Officer: GREGORY, RON
Reporter: ONCEA, BILLY DAVID

COW LAYING ON SIDE UNABLE TO GET UP.
TURNS OUT THE COW IS CALVING AND ALL
IS NORMAL.

Location : NW 23RD ST/NW HEMLOCK

Good Lord, I've had it. These people don't get out to the country much, do they? Damn city folk. Yes, cow's have babies, that's where cows actually come from, not just from your grocery's meat aisle.
_______________________________________________________________

Speaking of meat-

* SUSP CIRC Suspicious Circumstances: 12:45

Officer: MAJETICH,JAMES
Reporter: FENTON, JAMES METCALF

FOUND SUSPICIOUS SUBSTANCE IN BAG ON STREET.
SUBSTANCE WAS RAW CHICKEN.

Location : 3025 SW QUARTZ AVE

Oh My GOD! Call the cops! It might be CRACK! Or Quack! Or Cluck!
What did he think it was? Dead body parts? Freaking paranoid.
Dude would never survive in the Big City.
________________________________________________________________

Now this is just getting fowl-

* ACO Animal Control Complaint: 15:33

Officer: LONG, DON
Reporter: ANONYMOUS

REPORT OF DUCKS STUCK IN ICE IN A
POND NEAR THE 2300 BLOCK OF SW 23RD ST.
DUCKS WERE NOT STUCK AND IN GOOD HEALTH.
SETTLED BY CONTACT .

Location : 900 SW 23RD ST

OK, besides being a stupid complaint, if you've read my other police reports, there was once someone who called in with this-

REPORTER REPORTED ROW BOAT IN WATER AT LOCATION. REPORTER WAS CONCERNED FOR THE DUCKS. THE DUCKS SEEMED TO BE AVOIDING THE BOAT JUST FINE.

Hey, I love ducks too. With orange sauce. Yummy!
_______________________________________________________________

* HARASS Harassment/Threats/
Menacing/Stalking/Phone Harassment: 23:42

Officer: CHASE, CORY D
Reporter: MCCOY, BRETT MATHEW

THREE DIFFERENT RP'S CALLED TO REPORT THAT SOMEONE IDENTIFYING THEMSELVES AS OFFICER "MIKE HUNT" WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT WAS INVESTIGATING PRANK PHONE CALLS.

Location : 1550 NW 57TH ST

Hee! "Mike Hunt"... "MikeHunt".
Get it?
Oh, God, that is so immature. Hee-hee!
______________________________________________________________

* HARASS Harassment/Threats/
Menacing/Stalking/Phone Harassment: 00:15

Officer: DICKSON, DEXTER

PRANK CALL, IDENTIFYING HIMSELF AS "OFFICER HAIRY" WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

Location : 1515 NW FIR AVE #26

What do you want to bet this is related to the "Mike Hunt" prank calls? I don't quite get the "hairy" joke, but it's still funny!
_________________________________________________________________

Wait! Wait! I think we have an actual crime!

* SUSP SUBJ Suspicious Subject / Prowler: 02:52

Officer: DUFF, BOB

POSSIBLE BURGLARY IN PROGRESS.
WAS THE PAPER MAN.

Location : 1421 NW 6TH ST

Awwwwww... dang!
_________________________________________________________________

* VEH ACC Motor Vehicle Crash / Accident: 12:59

Officer: HICKS, DEREK
Driver: ZITEK, EILEEN J
Driver: SHAW, HEATHER ANN
Driver: ROLLINS, TRACEY M

MOTOR VEHICLE CRASH INVOLVING THREE VEHICLES,
TWO STREET SIGNS,
AND ONE HOUSE.

Location : SW 23RD ST/SW QUARTZ AVE

...and a paaaartridge in a pear treeeeeeeee...

_________________________________________________________________

I think I'll start a Neighborhood Watch; be on the look-out for Stupid People.

Until next time...stay on your toes! You, too, can help catch criminals!
And keep an eye on that livestock, they're suspicious characters.

Any exciting crimes in your area lately?

Nature's Bounty...

2008-06-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

~~Drugs.~~
I mean, Flowers!
Pretty, pretty ~~opium-laced~~ flowers!
So beautiful... so lovely... Hmmm...
~~so sleepy...~~

I am totally kidding! I do NOT do drugs.
Unless they're prescribed by a musician.
Wait, physician. Physician.

Yeah...that's it...

Personal Business

2008-06-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

~ If you're going to blab very personal stuff and leave out one very important fact, and I ask you about that fact and you don't answer me, I will assume it's because you are ashamed.

~ If you're ashamed of something, it must be because YOU think it's wrong, not because I might think it's wrong.

~ You cannot say it's "none of my business" when you've put the rest of it out there on the World Wide Web; you've just made it everybody's business.

~ I am a curious person.

~ If you're not at all curious, you might as well be a fucking amoeba or an ant.

~ I LOVED studying amoebas and ants in science class!

~ That is because I am curious.

~ If you have an opinion, say so and stand behind it, don't just parrot what you think everyone wants to hear.

~ Parrots are pretty.

~ They are also monomorphic.

~ Actually, I'm worried that some people really don't have any opinion at all. That makes me think their head is empty.

~ I'd rather someone be opinionated than empty-headed.

~ On the other hand, some things are too complex to think about too much.
Take the simple, such as 1 + 2 = 3, but then 1.25 + 1.75 also equals 3, and pi is approximately 3.14159 or just 3.14 and the square root of 856 is I don't care and an imaginary number can't really be all that important because it's imaginary so, to me, it equals I really couldn't give a shit.
Keep it simple.

~ I'm a big fan of keeping it simple.

~ That doesn't mean I'm simple-minded.

What do you think?
Or, don't you think?

I 'm Putting My Foot Down

2008-05-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

Feet...Feet...feet-feet-feet!
What the Hell is it with people and their feet? Everywhere I go, people are talking about their feet! Or their toe-nails or their pedicures or taking pictures of their damn feet.
What is going on? It's downright creepy if you ask me.
Is feet-gazing the new "navel-gazing"? Have we become so bored with self analysis that now, perfection of the foot is the key to an individual sense of well-being?

Don't get me wrong, nice feet are important to me, right up there with well-cared for teeth and clean hair. Feet, just like other parts of the body, should be clean and fungus free. Some polish is perfectly fine. There's nothing nicer than a pretty foot and nothing more frightening than ugly, gross feet with brittle toe-nails.
*shudder*

Is getting a pedicure the new status symbol? Like, "I can afford to pay someone else to groom my feet." Woo-hoo, because that doesn't impress me at all; I don't want to put my feet in container that's had other people's feet in it, let alone, have a stranger touching my feet.
*shudder, again*

I know some people have foot fetishes, which I never really understood, but is it more wide-spread than I thought? Maybe, all this foot talk is sexually motivated and I'm missing the innuendo? Are feet the new cleavage?

I like looking at pictures of people's new hair styles or clothes or cute shoes, I totally GET that sort of thing, but please tell me -
what is this obsession of showing off the feet?

3 Letter Words

2008-05-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... does that mean that after this, we move on to "4-letter-words"?
'Cuz mama knows a BUNCH of THEM.

I Know You Don't Come Here for Thought Provoking Conversation...

2008-05-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

You would think that was the end of the Red Shirt Saga I talked about in my last post, right? Why am I obsessing over a stupid red shirt? Why, I'm not obsessing, my husband is.
I've been told I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Me? Sure I do, but see, this is why I don't always take psychiatric diagnosis' seriously; when I think I have a problem or a phobia, I just take a look at the people around me and I can easily find someone WAY more whacked than I am!

So after I wrote that post the other day, I proceeded to put my husband's precious "lost" shirt into the washer. Now, I rarely forget and leave something in the washer overnight (it gets moldy, ew! I hate that!), I get to it eventually. Well, when my husband got home from work I was outside or something, then I walked in the back door, which is also the laundry room, you know, and I find THIS:

That shirt is HAUNTING me! In my dreams, I'm being chased by red shirts and boxes of laundry detergent!
He fished that stupid shirt out of the wet clothes in the washer and set it on top! He must have obsessed over that fucking shirt ALL DAY LONG and OH MY GOD why isn't it dry and hanging in his closet yet?!

So I threw it AND the other clothes from the washer (duh!) into the dryer and he's LUCKY I didn't throw the stupid thing in the GARBAGE!

Daily Prayer:
I'm OCD?
Right.
I'm perfectly normal.

Do you have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies?

Conversations with the Husband, the Series

2008-05-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

~ Scene: Early morning, and I am in the bathtub with my first cup of coffee.
Don't hate! This is how I start my day.~

*stomp-stomp-stomp*
*door opens, blowing chill breeze in my steamy bathroom. I HATE that!*

Husband: "Where's my red ******* motorcycle shirt?"

Me: *Blank stare*
(I don't function well ~~or speak~~ in the morning until I've finished my coffee AND my bath.)

Husband: "Do you know where it is?"

Me: "If it's not hanging in your closet then it's in some stage of laundry - dryer, washer, or the clothes hamper."

Husband: *heavy sigh*
*stomp-stomp-stomp*
*metallic sound of dryer door slamming...metallic sound of washer being opened... miscellaneous rustling I can't identify from the other end of the house...*

*stomp-stomp-stomp*
Husband: "It's not there!"

Me: "Yes, it has to be!"

Husband: *closet door opening as he looks for the shirt again*
"It's not here ANYWHERE! I can't BELIEVE you lost my FAVORITE shirt!"

Me: "What? Oh my GOD! It is NOT lost!"
(now my bath is ruined so I'm getting out and wrapping a towel around me)
"Are any of your other clothes 'lost'?!
Just because I haven't quite kept up on the laundry this week, and I DID do THREE loads the last couple of days, because I don't know, I've been standing around with my HANDS in my pockets and painting the ENTIRE house!
Grrrrr! (I growled.)
Do you have pants?"

Husband: "Yes."

Me: "Do you have socks and underwear?"

Husband: "Yes."

Me: "Do you have over 50-something OTHER Harley-Davidson T-shirts hanging in your closet?"
(I counted and I stopped at FIFTY, he has over 50 Harley-Davidson and/or assorted motorcycle-related t-shirts and some nice button-up Harley-Davidson shirts hanging in his closet, I HANG them so he doesn't have to dig through a drawer, and I'm not even counting any old ones that have grease or paint on them.)

Husband: *Blink-blink*
I can see he's shocked that he's such a clothes horse, does he really have that many shirts?
"Yes."

Me: "Then go put one of them on and leave me alone to finish getting dressed and I'll find your damn 'favorite' shirt later!!! Dammit!"

Husband: *stomp-stomp-stomp*

...a few minutes later...

Husband: "I FOUND it! It was in the clothes hamper just like you said! Will you wash it for me please?"

Me: "Get OUT!"

So, he leaves and goes to work and I come stumbling out to the kitchen to get more coffee and THIS is what I find in the laundry room-

~ Please note my Mad Photog Skillz - I laid on the floor to get this shot, so you could FEEL the ENORMITY of the laundry pile!~

Me: "Lazy FUCKER!"
(He had to walk past that pile to get out the back door, it's not like he forgot.)

Daily Prayer:
Thank God he's gone back to work!

Does your spouse or S.O. do bullshit like this?
Any of this?

Gah! Where've I been?

2008-04-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

I would have sworn I wrote that last post a couple days ago. Time flies.

Well, I've been treated to another straight week of my ~~annoying~~ sweet husband being off work. Jesus-God! He STILL has 180 hours vacation time left or some ridiculous amount, and I'm telling you, it's NO fucking vacation for me. Plus, we can't go anywhere anyway, for sundry stupid AND important reasons.

So, we're kind of trapped here for now, but he DID work during this vacation time at someone elses house, however, it was just down the street so he could come and annoy me every 45 minutes. He seems to think when he's doing a project and I'm here that I'm his personal servant:
"Will you make me a sandwich and bring it over?"
"Will you go out to the shed and find 'such-and-such' a tool?"

So I decided I should finish painting the living room and use that as an excuse to look busy, too. Not that it was half done or anything - I have a red wall and a brown wall and the rest was white, and I've been meaning to paint the remaining walls beige since last June when I did the other painting. Painting with red and toffee colored brown is exciting! Painting with beige is fucking BORING! Oh well, I've been getting it done. I finished off the living room and now I'm on the hallway that has 87 doors to paint around. Tedious.

Then, if he stays home much longer, I'm going to move on to the bedroom. Not with him. Painting the bedroom(s). Then, I'm probably going to repaint my bathroom. I'm also thinking of doing this raised plaster aspen tree design in the bedroom:

After that's done, I might paint the entire outside of the house, too! Even though it doesn't need it! Or, I could do this?

Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel on my ceilings.
They are vaulted, you know.

Yeah. That reminds me of a joke.

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to blog about, but no time.

Daily Prayer:
See you soon!

Do you have any spring projects planned?

Live From New York...

2008-04-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

I love SNL's "3:00 am phone call" sketch!
~REMOVED, click the link below~

(Direct link click here)

You have to watch it, it's hilarious. Obama has won the election and is freaking out and cursing and calls Hillary in the middle of the night asking for all kinds of advice.
Which got me to wondering - does Saturday Night Live really favor Hillary Clinton? And if I thought I was having an original thought, well again, just Google it: Someone stole my thoughts.
Damn thought stealers!

SNL claims it's not true. Jim Downey, who writes SNL's political sketches goes on to say, "I would imagine that most of the comedy world is for Obama." Hmmm...that's interesting.
SNL will mock with equal opportunity. Once we're down to one democratic nominee and one republican, they will mock them both, and once we pick a new president, it'll be open season on ridicule for him or her. That's what makes this country great!

I don't know, parody is often not far from the truth. I have difficulty trying to watch things such as the debates, because I think too abstractly - I don't always hear what is said because I "hear" between the lines. The little dialog in my head goes pretty much like an SNL sketch, so I might as well watch their recap of it anyway, right? It makes sense to me. AND it makes me laugh. In fact, watching an actual debate makes me laugh, inappropriately.

It's easier for me to just read up on the highlights of each candidates views on issues I consider the most important. And if SNL did endorse a particular candidate for president, I'd probably seriously consider their opinion.

Does this make me ignorant and uninformed?
What do you think?

F-F-Friday

2008-04-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

Saintseester is starting a new weekly tradition, "Fucking Floral Fridays".
Isn't that a fucking great idea? I said "Fuck yeah!"
And since I finally got a new camera, I'd thought I'd play.

I've now taken 457 photos in two days!
The baby is annoyed with me, he keeps holding up his little hand (talk to the hand!) and saying,
"No! You don't take my pitcher!"

So I take pictures of other crap.
Click to make them bigger:
There's toys!

And more toys!

And plants!

And snow globes!

And candles!

So, sorry, that's all I got for now. Beats another recap of American Idol, eh?
Uh...maybe one day I'll take a picture of something interesting.
I know! Maybe a photo of my half-naked ass in a bathroom mirror! What do you think, would I do that?

Would you?

Don't Be an Ass

2008-04-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

Updated - April 9, 2008-
The list of raffle prizes is growing and it's AWESOME! Click the Mickey button in this post for an update of the list of prizes and for your chance to donate and win!

Don't forget about the raffle for Lisa!
See the 2 posts below this for more info and click on the Mickey button to go to the raffle page.

In the midst of all this, another blogger has suffered a terrible tragedy, somewhat Lisa-related. You see Rachel was blogging and decided she needed a snack, when she happened upon Danalyn's Video of Love tribute to Lisa and she was so caught up in the emotion of the moment that she forgot she had put the oil on to fry some okra until in the midst of her tears, the fire alarm went off. In her haste to save her beautiful new home frome burning to the ground, she burnt the FUCK outta her HAND.

Don't click this next link if you are easily grossed out-
This is NO JOKE.

So here's where you come in, my dear friends.
This won't cost you any cash, so maybe people won't lose their heads, just their ass.
That hand is gonna need some skin grafts. Rachel is in enough pain as it is and doesn't need to be cut up anymore, so WE need to send her our own skin for the graft. You take skin for grafts off your butt, of course, so your scars will not (hopefully) be noticeable at all! I figure if 100 people donate a square inch of skin, there should be enough usable skin to fix her up.

Please, no hairy or tattooed skin. Unfortunately, that leaves me and my husband out.
This is going on her HAND people. It's bad enough she's scarred but she doesn't need a hairy palm or half of an old tattoo from your ex-husband "Dick". Smooth asses need only apply.

So send your butt-skin today!
Rachel needs a piece of your ass!

Spread the cheeks!

Paws for a Moment...

2008-04-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

...and think of someone else.

(see the post below this one, if you don't know what's happening.)

So many people are selflessly thinking of another person besides themselves and giving to the fund for Lisa and/or sending her comments, prayers, and kind thoughts.
There are so many good people out there!

Click Mickey to check on the progress:

For Lisa

2008-04-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bloggers is Lisa @ Clusterfook. She's smart, snarky and real, she just lays it all out there. When I read her blog, it's not just a good story or something that was written to entertain an audience, it's as if I just opened up a private letter from a good friend.
And now my friend has been diagnosed with a recurrence of ovarian cancer for the THIRD fucking TIME!
What bullshit! I'm so pissed off!

Through her last TWO bouts with cancer, Lisa has fought for her life, worked at her job AND went to graduate school and graduated with honors. You think any of those things are easy? Hell NO, and she's done this all with a husband and two little girls to raise. The only break she got was last year when she took some "time off" to lay in a coma.
Yeah, true story.
Then she was right back at work and school. This girl has guts and stamina that I can barely fathom. I know it will carry her through this third round, but she shouldn't have to face this again.

As if that wasn't traumatic enough for her, I can't imagine what her two little girls have went through and will have to go through again.
So, the idea is that Lisa wants to take her family on a vacation.

Here is how you can help.
Click the Mickey Mouse button below to see the contest rules.

Basically all donations will receive points toward raffle tickets and there are a bunch of great prizes up for grabs!
I am donating "The SiMs 2" for PC.

And there are still prizes being added, so keep checking back!
So please, whatever amount of money you can spare, nothing is too small, because together, we can do this.

We love you, Lisa!

The Mirror Has Two Faces

2008-03-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've never cared how the "community" views me. I've never cared to be an important "member of the community". That whole "community" talk often makes me sick. I think some people who are always talking "communtity" often do it for the wrong reasons; not because they care so much about their community, but because they feel it gives themselves some sort of importance or higher status.
Well, I do care about my community being nice, clean, safe, being a good neighbor, i.e. not bothering people, stuff like that, sure; but overall, I could care less about my importance or social status. I like my privacy just as anyone else does, but actually, I must be pretty boring, because I don't even have any dirty little secrets, (at least, I don't think I do, not anymore, anyway, ha-ha!)
No secret life, nothing to hide. Some people would be probably be surprised that I don't.
Perhaps, I am an enigma. (I've always wanted to be an enigma!)
It beats being FAKE.

I guess that's why I don't understand ~~two-faced~~ two-sided people.

I understand sometimes people have to act a certain way to keep their job, but really, what about the rest of their life? For instance, on the one hand, they want to be fine, upstanding, respected people of their community. Or their neighborhood, or their circle of friends or their church, perhaps.
Then, on the other hand, they want to dress like sluts party like rock stars. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but... they wouldn't want any of the people they usually associate with to know.
So, which is it? I find it so confusing when someone desires to be one of these "persons of importance" or status, or even just to fit in with a certain group, and yet they have their dirty little secrets and they would die of embarrassment if anyone found out.

Do they want to be the respected business owner? Or the crazy biker with all the tattoos, guzzling tequila on a Saturday night?
Do they want to be the conservative republican? Or do they want to dance on the bar with strippers?
Can a person do both? Certainly, they can, but when the photos come out and their reaction isn't, "Whatever" it's "OMG! My life is being turned upside down!", and they realize, "I probably shouldn't have done that" but they did...

What kind of person does this make someone with "two lives"?
Are they multi-faceted or two-faced?
Well rounded? Or a hypocrite?

Daily Prayer:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
~ Shakespeare

I'm not just being facetious, I'm confused by people like this -
I want to know, what do you think?

Give Sue the Banana

2008-03-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

I told you how I was getting frustrated because my husband had some extra time off work.
Well, last Friday he took an extra day off and then he got sick, so I've had another lovely week of ~~enforced entrapment~~ marital bliss. *ahem* And if I thought having a husband underfoot all the time was bad, you know what whiny-babies men are when they're sick. So besides picking up after him all day long, I've had to pick-up and then wipe everything down with Lysol.
I haven't gotten sick though, lucky for him, heh.

Isn't it amazing how after about four days, he can go from a big, strong, handsome, witty, talented creature who can charm my socks off and fix absolutely anything to being a hairy imbecile who can't even put a fucking DISH in the dishwasher?
He claims he can't put a dish in because he doesn't know if the dishes in there are clean or dirty.
Tell me, how confusing is it? Why oh WHY would I run a dishwasher that's only half full? Or, why would I empty half of a clean bunch of dishes and just leave the rest of the clean dishes sitting in the dishwasher. That would be CRAZY!
Therefore, if there are only a few dishes in the dishwasher, that means they're dirty, right? I'm about to go in search of one of those stupid little magnets that you put on there that flip over to say "dirty" or "clean", but maybe I'll just make my own sign that says,
"How Fucking STUPID Are You If You Can't Figure Out if a Glass in Here Looks Clean?"

So anyway, he asked me again last night whether the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty and I shouldn't say "again" as if he asks me that a lot, because he usually doesn't bother to try to solve the conundrum of the State of the Dishes in the dishwasher; he usually just stacks his dishes in the sink and HOW he is able to make a glass, a bowl and a plate look like some sort of 3-foot-high erector set, I have NO idea, but anyway... he asked if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean or dirty and I honestly couldn't remember. Sometimes I have more important things on my mind (ya think?) and I don't keep a little note in my pocket detailing every time I put a dish in the dishwasher.

It just so happens I was watching a show on the Science Channel about how Chimpanzees can follow fairly complex instructions, like, having a quite a few items set in front of them and being able to pick one out and what to do with it, such as, "Pick up the key and put it in the refrigerator" and then "Choose the picture of the banana and give it to Sue" and I was wondering if I could train my ape to "Open the dishwasher and see if it's full".

So, he calls to me and asks, "Are the dishes in here clean or dirty?"
and after my head exploded and I calmed down a bit, I got up from my comfortable chair and interesting and educational show and I walked into the kitchen, opened the dishwasher, pulled out the rack to see a couple of plates and bowls in there, turned to him and shouted,
"Give Sue the banana!"

(I had meant to say, "They're dirty!" or "Are you Stupid?!" or something like that, but that's what came out.)

He had the NERVE to look at me like I was nuts, and said,
"Who is Sue?"

I thought to myself,
"Sue is the lady who is enjoying more success than I am."

Daily Prayer:
Give Sue the banana!

Who does the dishes in your house?
Do you have a dishwasher?

"Don't die. Imagine the headline."

2008-03-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Angela, almost died in one of those tornado's that recently hit Georgia.
Go here to read her harrowing ordeal!

(Please, leave her a comment for moral support.)

Truth or Consequences

2008-03-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through the TV the other night and I came upon the reality show, "The Moment of the Truth", where the contestants are hooked-up to a lie detector and asked to answer 21 questions without fibbing for the chance to win the $500,000 grand prize. I had already been properly horrified by the commercials for this show and not that I actually watched it, puh-lease! But I was strangely drawn to flip back to it during the commercials of another show I found on the History channel, thank-you-very-much.
Seriously.
But this show, WTF? In between babbling on about the back-story between every answer she was about to give, this lady and her family were alternately looking shocked, mortified or wiping away "tears" (It looked like they were having a hard time squeezing them out sometimes, too, maybe until the thought of losing the half million dollars gave them a shot of emotion.)

Just how real is this? Or any reality show for that matter? And the audience "oh-ing" and "ah-ing" in shock as each question is asked, you'd think they were watching a Gladiator match to the death.
Then when I flipped back and saw the final question, it was, "Will you stay with your husband forever?" and her answer was totally benign, "yes" which was deemed "true" and la-dee-dah, she wins the half a million dollars, with a completely anticlimactic and beyond disappointing ending. If we came to see the death match, shouldn't there be blood?
Oh, what am I saying?

What the Hell is going on here?!

I was totally reminded of studying ancient Rome and the phrase of "bread and circuses" which can mean "to criticize either government policies to pacify the citizenry, or the shallow, decadent desires of that same citizenry." (Most likely the latter, but I wouldn't be opposed to the government stepping in and outlawing such frivolous programs in this, and a few other, cases. Janet Jackson's boob got a major fine, so some of these producers of so-called reality TV should surely be sent to prison.)
This large variety of "reality shows" and the mass buying of more and much more elaborate entertainment technology, (of which I am guilty, we just bought a larger flat screen TV!) sitting on our ever-growing fat asses eating fast food, so much of what is happening seems to point to an actual divorce from reality.

My husband and I have said to each other in the last few years,
"Is television getting really stupid or are we just getting older and more mature?"
Well, besides the fact that we are getting older, we agreed - Television is definitely getting more and more mind-numbingly stupid. We have to deduce, so are the people who will continue to support this garbage by watching it.

What is happening to us? Have we lost our civic virtue? Does this signal the decline of our society?

My only comfort was to realize that this show has already been done in many other countries. So it's not just us that will be over-run by Barbarians; I think the world is about to blow up.
Yeah I know, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure THAT one out.

And what about me? I say I wasn't actually watching it, but in my furtive glimpses, I was. Is it such a grand circus that I can't tear my eyes away? I swear, I WILL NOT do it again, not even in passing.
I am ashamed of myself for looking. I truly am. If you look at this show, you should be ashamed of yourself, too.

Daily Prayer:
The end is near.

What do you think?

I'm Not Dead...

2008-03-03T19:47:00.000-08:00

... but please, shoot me now.
My husband has been taking time off work and he seriously cramps my style. And gets underfoot. And makes messes. Jesus, this is no vacation time for me!
I'll be back soon to chat with you all, hopefully tommorrow.
(Oh please, please go back to work tommorrow!)

Does spending every minute with your spouse kind of annoy ~~the Hell outta~~ you?
Or is it just me?

I Don't Want Your Photograph

2008-02-24T16:37:00.001-08:00

You know what bugs me? People who take pictures of themselves in a mirror with their camera in the shot. I see this a lot. And if you're like me, the only mirrors I have are in the bathroom, so when you see people do this, (especially ~~kids, no, not just kids~~ people on MySpace) they often have a bathroom and some nasty, moldy, old shower tile in the background.
Gross.
Or some people must have a giant mirror in every room, like some sort of suburban fun house. And then they blog about body issues. Here's a hint: Don't have a mirror in every single room so you have to stare at yourself all damn day long.

Maybe what they're trying to say is,
"Look at me! I have a $1500 dollar Nikon with an additional $1500 lens on it!"
When what they're REALLY saying is,
"Look at me! I have a $3000 dollar Nikon and I don't know how to fucking use it!
And/or I'm too fucking LAZY to drag out the tripod!"
Grrr.
I have a cheap-ass camera but guess what? I have a tripod! And I know how to use it! It's also handy for whacking stupid people over the head!
Although, the first time my husband used the tripod, he didn't flip one of the little levers into the "lock" position tight enough, so when he stepped away it went "zip!" and lurched to the side and he reached out and caught it just before it crashed to the ground with his brand new camera on it. That was funny.

The reason I bring this up is, I think I have my husband talked into getting a nice camera. Nothing expensive, but a digital SLR of some sort. See, I've been wanting one for so long and I'm not one to spend money frivolously, but now that I have him wanting one too, he's all over it. Besides, if he didn't spend money on this, he'd just buy something else. Also, we use it for work sometimes so maybe we could get a tax break on it?

I've wanted a more professional camera for years but in the olden days, trying to learn how to use one must have been pretty expensive, huh? Not knowing what you're doing, getting film developed and such, I mean, that wouldn't be very practical. But now, you can practice with different settings and if something doesn't turn out, you know instantly and just click-click-delete. That's so cool!

So, I'm pretty excited about it. Not that I'm going to think I'm a "Photographer" or anything. Just so I can try and take better pictures of family and dogs and babies and NOT pictures of MYSELF holding a camera in a mirror.

What kind of camera do you have?
*Any advice?
*Miss Ann Thrope is exempt from the last question.

Sell Outs

2008-02-18T15:07:00.000-08:00

Dawg just wrote the BEST post about advertising on personal blogs.
He said exactly what I wanted to say and much more, and he said it so well, I thought,
"Hey, why bust my brain trying to articulate how I feel when he's already done it for me?"
Go read his post and tell him and/or me what you think.

Daily Quote:
"The incessant, witless repetition of advertisers' moron-fodder has become so much a part of life that if we are not careful, we forget to be insulted by it."

Does advertising on personal blogs bother you?
Do you have advertising on your blog?
Why or why not?

A Day for Romance

2008-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

I Hate to Say It

2008-02-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

I don't usually talk politics, but I think this is more about racism and gender equality.
The new polls are showing John McCain is way ahead to be the Republican nominee for President and Hillary and Obama are so close, they may have to bring out the super delegates to choose between them for the Democrat nominee. So my husband is ecstatic; he's a Republican and he's been for McCain all along. He says the election is already wrapped up and McCain will be our next President.

I HATE to even think it, but I'm not naive and my husband said it out loud, so I have to put it out there:

~ Obama will be probably be chosen because he's a man.
~ Then John McCain will win, because he's a white man.
~ Even if Hillary is chosen, John McCain will still win, because he's a man.

Given all the backwards-thinking, Good-ol'-boys and Stupid People in this country, I'm really afraid he might be right.

What do you think?
Not necessarily your political beliefs or what you want to happen, but do you think that, unfortunately, there's any truth to that scenario?

I May Be Losing My Mind

2008-02-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

I'm eating ice cream with a fork right now.

I had just started the dishwasher and I went to the drawer to get a spoon and there weren't any. For some reason, I was too lazy to walk back and open the dishwasher and grab a spoon, so I thought, what the Hell.
It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Mr. Pitt eats his candy bar with a knife and fork and then it catches on around the city until one day Elaine notices everyone at the diner is eating their candy bar or donut with a knife and fork and she screams,
"What's wrong with you people? Have you all gone MAD?!"

I think next time I'm out in public and I have ice cream, I'm going to eat it with a fork and freak people out.
It's really much more sophisticated, anyway. Until I get to the bottom of the bowl and I have to lick it.

Am I weird?

Weeee! Superbowl Sunday!

2008-02-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

After last year's disappointing crop of commercials, I will be expecting a much better effort this year.
Oh yeah, and football. Our most Holy Day of Football.
We will be celebrating by cooking the traditional turkey dinner. (Is that strange?)
Amen.

If you don't watch football, you can translate your favorite webpages with the
LOL-inator - iz funneh!

Do you watch the Superbowl?
I like to see the new commercials, how about you?

Presents!

2008-01-31T16:20:00.000-08:00

Look what Miss Ann Thrope made me! And mailed across the country!
It's bee-yoo-tee-full! See how it goes with my stuff? I love it!
Thank you, Miss Ann!

In other news, I have a toothache.
My dentist charged me $450 to fuck up what was a perfectly good molar that was sitting in the back of my mouth and causing me no problems whatsoever, but he had to look back there and pick at it and say since the filling in it was extra large, it could blow at any moment. So he said he should "fix" because it could possibly break one day and take more of the good tooth with it.
So dumb-ass me says,
"Oh sure! Here's $450 bucks to drill up my tooth and put a cap on it! It feels perfectly fine, but let's try and fuck it up good so I can be in pain, OK?"

God knows I have nothing better to do with my money, not to mention that while he was happily drilling away on my teeth last November, nobody told me we had reached my $1000 a year limit on my insurance. So when I came back and got my teeth cleaned in December the receptionist goes,
"That'll be $240 dollars, please."
Uh...WTF?
I had no idea having 4 fillings redone and a cleaning would be over the $1000 limit, and it was fucking December; my yearly allowance starts over again on January 1st! I could have waited a whole month to get my teeth cleaned instead of paying $240 dollars!
I told them that from now on they need to apprise me of how much money was being used from my $1000 per year limit. Unless it's an emergency, you know. Having my teeth cleaned is not an emergency. Neither is changing out all my old silver fillings for new, white fillings. It's not like I go around meeting people like this:

Not anymore, anyway, now that I'm married and all.
Heh.

So, I called and told them my tooth hurt and you know what he prescribed for me? Steroids. Isn't that what those athletes are all hopped up on when they go crazy and kill their wives and stuff? Or maybe a crazy, curly-haired woman goes nuts and walks into a dentist's office...
Grrrrrr!

Daily Prayer:
Thank God for him, I have some pain pills.
Neener.

Eyes may be the windows to the soul, but I think the condition of the teeth will tell you how much self-respect a person has.
What do you think?

Conversations with the Husband

2008-01-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

Me: "Where the Hell are you going?"

Husband: "I'm riding my motorcycle to work, it's 45 degrees!"

Me: (sarcastically) "Well here, put on some sun block."

Husband: "Very funny."

Me: "Are you crazy? It'll be 10 degrees when you get off tonight."

Husband: "Nah! Anyway, it's only 10 minutes."

Me: "You're gonna be a popsicle!"

Husband: "No! I'll be okay..."

*stomp-stomp-stomp*
*slams door*
*vroom-vrooom...*

~Later that evening~

*vroom-vroom*
*slams door*
*stomp-stomp-stomp*

Husband: "Holy fucking shit! Damn it's cold! Oh my God!
I think my nut-sack is frozen to my leg! It's Freezing! It's must be..."

Me and Husband in unison: "10 degrees?"

Husband: "Shut up, smarty pants."

~Later that same night~

Me: "Honey, I hate to point this out, now that you and your nut-sack are finally thawed out, but you need to bring your bike inside, it's supposed to snow."

Husband: "Snow? Nah! They always say 'snow' and we never get any."

Me: "Well, you need to bring it in, none-the-less, because my name's on it too, and I said so."

Husband: "Okay, okay, I'll do it in a minute. I still can't feel my pinky toe."

Me: "Pinky?" (snicker)

Husband: "My little toe."

Me: "And how's your little nut-sack?"

Husband: "Shut up! Smarty pants."

~Early the next morning~

*stomp-stomp-stomp*
*blinds flip up*

Husband: "Oh shit!"

*stomp-stomp-stomp*
*vroom-vroom into garage*

Me: *sigh*

Daily Prayer:
Baby, it's cold outside!

Do you ever feel that your significant other doesn't listen to your advice?

Ghost Busting, Part 2

2008-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

So, I looked into the mysterious dancing orbs of light caught on video. This is a very common "phenomenon" for a video device set on night vision;
It's called, "dust".

You know...you're sitting at the computer, with an internet connection, and you have a WEALTH of INFORMATION at your finger tips. How stupid do you have to be not to use it?
You don't have to go to the library, you don't have to buy a book or take a class. You don't have to call around, searching.
If you want information on something, try using the damn screen you're sitting in front of right now! Your computer can be used for more than blogging and sending e-mail.

So you see, you're not haunted.
Maybe just a little dirty.
A good cleaning could probably get rid of the ghosts.

Daily Prayer:
Dust!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Dust! Oh my God!
That's funnier than the electronic disturbances.

Do you like to use search engines?
Or would you rather just sit and wonder?

Ghost in the Machine

2008-01-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

I freaked a friend of mine out the other day.
I was coming from the other end of the house and as I walked into the living room, I stopped, looked right at her and said,
"the phone is going to ring."
She blinked at me, and the phone rang!

Also, a funny thing happens with remote controlled car toys in my house. They are not always in our control! I think they may be in the control of ghosts. It's not just me! It's happening to other people too!
How freaky is that?

OK, I can't keep it up, I'm kidding.
See, when something strange happens, instead of instantly jumping to superstitious conclusions or running into the street screaming "The sky is falling!" or calling Ghost Busters on my magic wireless communicator, I like to investigate legitimate sources and figure out what's really (you know, as in REALITY) going on. This is especially the logical thing to do when you're dealing with ANYTHING electronic.

My little parlor trick with the phone? Many times, (not always, but usually) when a computer is on in my house, well not even the computer itself, but if the speakers are on, they make a little static-y humming sort of sound right before my cell phone rings.
And the remote control car toys? It has to do with this thing called "radio frequency". Or more specifically, radio frequency interference. If you looked up radio frequency interference, you would see that many things could cause a child's remote control car to move by itself:

radio and TV station broadcast transmitters
pager transmitters
two-way radio transmitters
garage-door openers
cell phones
cordless phones
electric power transmission lines
electric motors
thermostats
cable TV
doorbell transformers
toaster ovens
electric blankets
ultrasonic pest controls (bug zappers)
heating pads
touch controlled lamps
Clap on! Clap off!
Clap me up a ghostie!

Included in this category are computers and other digital equipment as well as televisions, since "the rich harmonic content of these devices means that they can interfere over a very broad spectrum."

Uh, yeah, that's quite a list of of items that could interfere with the transmitter, isn't it?
If you don't have any of this stuff around the house and that would include your nearby neighbors, then I apologize; it's definitely a ghost.

Also, a person might wonder, "How did the remote control car seem to follow my commands when I spoke to it?"
(I myself am wondering, "What the fuck are you doing speaking to a toy?"
But that's just me.)
But as to the question of the toy seeming to "follow your specific commands"? How likely is it? People often exclaim when they see something unusual,
"What are the chances of that happening?!"
They might even say,
"Explain that to me!"
So I did.

In some cases, the likelihood of something happening is quite high. It just takes a basic understanding of mathematic probabilities and statistics. For a very simple example: if you roll one 6-sided dice what are the chances you will roll the number 2? Why, there's a 1 in 6 chance you will roll the number 2. Or how about flipping a quarter? You have a 1 in 2 chance of it landing on "heads". Now, what about flipping TWO quarters at the SAME time? 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4, a 1 in 4 chance. Those are pretty good odds! Of course, it can get a little more complex, so if you've never studied basic mathematics, here's a brief summary of the "probability theory".

Also, asking of the toy to "move once, move twice, move three times" is not a very complicated request. Now, if you asked it to run down Maple Street, take the first right onto Elm Street, go to the second house on the block, up to the front door and then tap out the Gettysburg Address in Morse code, I might be a believer; that is a very complex sequence of events to occur by chance. But asking something to move that is already moving is not that much of a stretch.

I can tell you from my very unscientific experiments of tripping over little remote control cars DAILY for TWO YEARS that in any given day, they will seemingly move on their own. And usually they will start and stop a FEW times over the course of a minute or so, and then cease. 100% of the time. OK, let's give a margin of error of 1% so, I would say, 99% of the time.
So if you take a toy that contains a transmitter and subject it to a myriad of outside interference from items in the above list that are present not only in your own home, but your next door neighbors home, or a car driving by containing, uh...I'm thinking a cell phone or garage door opener, but who knows? Maybe a Clapper lamp? (don't clap and drive, though, laws may vary by state) chances are that toy can do some pretty random dancing.
I know of which I speak:

If you want to believe that remote controlled toys are possessed by spirits, that is fine for you, but if the VSRA lets you mistakenly believe something simply because you WANT to believe, when the occurrence has a perfectly logical explanation, that makes them frauds and charlatans. It calls into question all of their other ghostly claims. It also calls into question your intelligence.

This doesn't mean I'm a non-believer or a skeptic. I do believe that we are all interconnected, we're on the same earth and made up of the same atoms. I've had experiences that seem beyond explanation, but I also like to know if something could have an explanation. I try to find out, what is coincidence and what are the facts?
Yet still, I know I don't know everything. I remain open-minded to paranormal experience, even though many such claims have been discounted by hard, scientific facts.

But for someone to NOT listen to those facts because they don't want to hear it doesn't make a person super-intuitive. Plugging one's ears to continue on in a fantasy world is what makes a person narrow minded and ignorant.

If you don't want to listen, then don't ask.

Daily Prayer:
Are you there, God?
I demand an answer!

Do you believe in ghosts?

Bullet Observations and Pledges for the New Year:

2008-01-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

• A bunch of bloggers are jumping on the latest fad, "Blog 365" where you commit to a blog post EVERY DAY this year. So the same people who bored us to death daily during November's "NaNoBloME" or whatever it’s called are going to bore us for the next year STRAIGHT through.

• I pledge not to jump on any blogging bandwagons.

• Thank God it's an election year and we get rid of Bush. Anyone is better than him, but our choices include an evangelical Christian and a Mormon. Oy.

• And the Mormon just won the Wyoming GOP caucus. Which adds credence to my theory, "If you live in Wyoming, you're STUPID." Fucking wind has blown your brain dry.

• I pledge to vote for a Democrat.

• Approximately 2 soldiers are killed per day in Iraq, and the war costs approximately $177 million per day. PER DAY. Both of those numbers are astronomical.

• I pledge to vote for a Democrat.

• Why does it seem all of a SUDDEN, everyone is talking about being green? I've been recycling and conserving energy and trying not to over-consume and secretly hugging trees since I became an adult, and that was ~~quite~~ a few years ago. It's the 21st century! We should be driving electric cars and living in solar houses and have wind-powered energy. WTF? Now it's the latest fad.

• I pledge to keep doing my part. I've replaced almost all of my light bulbs with compact florescent, too. And if I see someone throw a can in the garbage, I will personally beat the shit out of them.

• I bet Britney Spears will die this year, I just wonder how much longer it will be.

• If her little whore sister gives birth in June, I'm betting June, when the attention shifts from her to her sister.

• I pledge not to be a whore or buy a whore’s music.

• Zach Efron looks like a fucking girl. Does he sing like a girl, too? I'm sick of hearing about him. Is he the next male Britney?

• I pledge not to watch High School musical. That should be easy.

• The writer's strike continues and it's been predicted this will hurt television, as America will suddenly start reading or having family time or going out of doors. Yeah right.

• I pledge to spend my allotted television time on the internet. Oh wait, I already spend too much time on the internet...

Daily Prayer:
Please help me keep my pledges.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions or pledges?

Another Year Gone

2007-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

Or is it just another day?
Are you ready to tell this year good-bye?
Do you still look forward with anticipation to what's to come in the future?
If time stood still right now, would that be OK?

I don't know...
time goes by so fast, and sometimes I wonder how much time is left.

Good-Bye 2007!

Glad That's Over

2007-12-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

Phew!
Another Christmas successfully ~~kicked to the curb~~ completed! Ring in the New Year and it's on to summer! Er...well, not quite, it's snowing again.

But speaking of Christmas, we have a new tradition. Usually after dinner people play Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit or more recently, I think it's been Scattergories.
Pfft! Yawn-zer!
Last night we brought on a new game, "Guitar Hero".

Oh.My.GOD!

I can see why everybody is talking about it. Unlike Karaoke, you don't have to have the bravery to get up in front of people (I would never!) and sing off key and make a complete ass of yourself, and for the audience, it's much less painful than listening to someone who THINKS they can sing for no other reason than they are very drunk.

It was FUN and funny, considering everybody was new at it, except for the two experts that brought it, they knew what they were doing. I did pretty damn good on my first try, I almost made it through one song. About half way through I said, "OK, now I see what all the fuss is about, I'm addicted." Then my cousin waved her arms around and reached up from the easy chair where she was sitting to grab my shirt and squealed,
"Eeee! You're a rock star!"
and I totally cracked up and missed a bunch of notes, that's the only reason I didn't make it to the end of the song.
My husband got booed off the stage with a "You suck!"
Ha-ha-ha!

So yeah, if you're playing those boring old board games, that is SO last year.
Be a Rock Star!

Daily Prayer:
Must not buy Guitar Hero...
Must not buy Guitar Hero...

Do you sit down and play games after a holiday dinner?

It's a Christmas Miracle

2007-12-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

Look what I woke up to! Squeeee! Our first real snow!

To all my friends, have a great day!

Daily Prayer:
If you don't care for Christmas, look at it this way-
it's almost over!

Merry Christmas!

What Not to Wear - the Biker Edition

2007-12-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

...or, "What NOT to get me for Christmas!"

The Harley-Davidson Holiday catalog came, and I was flipping through it when I came across this new addition:

Pink.
And that's, like, a little "princess" crown between the wings.
Can we say, "Blech!"???
If I see any chick wearing this, I will rip her off her bike, tear that jacket off her back and stomp it into a mud-hole until it's an appropriate shade of brown or black. Take that, "pwin-cessss".

Which got me to thinking of nauseatingly yuppie bikers and the stupid shit they wear because they think they look so cool, when actually they look like big, giant dorks.
The rest of this bullshit I found is NOT from Harley-Davidson. They don't DARE sell it at Harley-Davidson. They better NOT ever sell it at Harley-Davidson, but it's currently for sale somewhere, and I've actually SEEN it on some people recently.
The following is a sin against Biker-dom and a waste of perfectly good leather.
Poor cows.

Here we have the matching chaps to that jacket.

You can be Pukey-in-Pink from head to toe! And what's with those dumb-ass pockets plastered to the front of the thighs? There's also a matching vest, but you get the picture.

I don't even have a vest. Nothing says "I'm so biker" as a black leather vest littered up with patches and pins:

And that's nothing; I've seen people with so many patches and pins and crap on their vest it must weigh 50 lbs. They look like a walking collection of refrigerator magnets or something.
I think vests are useless. If it's cold, I'm wearing a sweatshirt and my leather jacket, if it's hot, just a t-shirt and I certainly don't want a hunk of black leather sticking to me! I think I'm the only person I know who doesn't have a biker vest. Cuz that's how I roll.

Ooo! Instead of a vest, here's something new.
What the fuck?

Oh, it's called a poncho. So...does it have any tie downs? Or does it just flip up in your face when you hit 40 miles per hour? I'm sure you fella's might like that, but it's still butt-ugly.

Speaking of butt-ugly, you can cover your ASS in fringe!

I HATE fringe! It had it's time in the late 60's, 70's, maybe even into the 80's in the biker world. It's a little too retro now, though, isn't it? And I can't believe they're still doing this design:

The Red Rose Cutout WITH Fringe. Blech! I thought it was kind of cute the first time I ever saw it, circa 1988. That was TWENTY YEARS ago, people! Step up into the 21st century! Gah! Of course there's a matching vest, too, blah-blah-blah, you get the ugly picture. But for the ultimate ugly effect, be sure to wear it with a pink t-shirt:

But wait, there's more!
Native American fringe, you know, for BLOND Native Americans:

Or the Davey Crockett look for the wild-frontiers type women with rugged, bare chests:

And as we already know from The Red Rose Cutout WITH Fringe ensemble, you must have a fringe-y jacket to wear over your fringe vests. I bet it's SO comfortable wearing layers and layers of bulky fringe! One can NEVER have too much FRINGE:

Yes, be sure to wear your hair in an ETHNIC and AUTHENTIC Native American style when wearing fringe, beads and bones:

And what fringe-y outfit would be complete without THESE?

And to add to your native look, a patch that says "Lady Harley":

Blech! I HATE those patches. Now, I may not be a girly-girl, but if I have to wear a patch that says, "Lady" I definitely have a problem.

Excuse me while I go throw-up...
...
OK, I'm back. Wait...let me get a barf bucket to set beside me...
OK, I'm back.

Here's a more modern style, so au courant!
Bad 80's shoulder pads and fringe!

Speaking of 80's and I hate to admit, I HAD one of these lacy tops...IN THE 80's! When Madonna was making underwear as outerwear popular AND I wore a BRA with it.
In the 80's.
I'm not referring to the 80's as in "I was younger and more beautiful then", I'm referring to it as in "it was 20 FUCKING YEARS ago!"
Why oh WHY is this still being sold?

Girlfriend needs a bra, too, no matter WHAT decade it is.

And if you REALLY want to be sexy, there's this bikini:

Girlfriend needs a bikini wax.
Oh no! Wait! That's MORE fringe!
Arrrgh!

These attractive "dusters" were popular amongst the California bikers at one time. I hope NOT anymore. I always thought they were ridiculous. What are they dusting? If you're that afraid of the dust, you outta stay indoors:

As you can see, they are especially flattering to the female figure:

Hmmm...she looks like someone...I can't quite place it...
Oh! I Know!
Darth Vader! Ha-ha-ha!

I will just combine these last beauties into a patriotic montage, entitled "The Shit Spangled Banner". These people should be shot for desecrating our flag. And cows. Poor cows:

I like my flag, but not emblazoned in leather across my back and arms. These jackets also remind me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine's part-time boyfriend, David Puddy, has a fur coat and Elaine is mortified when he wears it to a party, so she tosses it out of the bedroom window and into a tree. Then Puddy goes out and buys a new coat that's worse than the man-fur:

Elaine: What is that?

Puddy: It's my new coat.

Elaine: You ditched the fur?

Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out! 8-Ball! You got a question, you ask the 8-Ball!

Elaine: You're gonna wear this ALL the time?

Puddy: All signs point to "Yes"!

Do I wanna see anyone wearing any of this shit anytime soon?
All signs point to "No!"

Daily Prayer:
This post brought to you by the letters B, L, E, C, and H.

Did you see anything you like?

Falling Down the 12-Steps

2007-12-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

My husband came home from visiting his best friend the other night and says,
"Well my whole world came crashing down."

My husband has two really good friends he met right after we moved here a few years ago. He met them at Narcotics Anonymous, because, you know, that's what he does if he goes somewhere new; he finds a sponsor and a support system and also, my husband is very good at helping other people himself. That's what he likes to do, (in fact he's going back to school next year to get his Substance Abuse Counselor certification.) So he immediately sought out N.A. meetings and got a sponsor, this really cool guy who not only has 20 years clean and sober, but is also into motorcycles, is a successful businessman and all that, and this guy introduced him to another friend who also rides motorcycles who had like, 3 years clean at that time, and they've all been good buddies ever since.

So, we haven't seen them much lately, well the past year, really, and at first I thought it's because these guys work in construction so they work really hard all summer. But now that winter has come along, I was wondering where they've been. Sometimes guys have tiffs with each other, you know, but my husband's a real drama queen, so when that happens I always hear about it. So I was wondering, but then last weekend my husband asked if I minded if he went out to the one guys house Saturday night, and I said that was fine, and I thought, oh that's good for him to spend time with his friends (and I can use the peace and quiet, ha-ha.)

Well, they had quite the talk, because his friend tells him that the other friend (my husbands sponsor with over 20 years clean) has been drinking. And I'm not sure how it came about, (probably running "defense") but then he admits that he himself has been drinking on occasion, too. Now, I don't know how it all started, but I also know he gets pain pills since his accident last year and that was his "thing" before, opiates and heroin. Fucking heroin, and he's just gonna drink a little with the pain pills. Can we say, "stupid!"?
So, not only is he on pain pills now, but a person really shouldn't be drinking alcohol on pain pills. Holy cow. The pain pills should be enough, wouldn't you think? So... the slide has already started.

And the other friend (my husband's sponsor), I saw in the police reports that he was in a car accident with injuries a few weeks ago. That's all the police report said and didn't say who was injured or if anyone was arrested, so I don't know if he was drunk or what and our other friend said, yeah he was in a fender-bender (with injuries? Riiight. That's NOT a fender-bender!) but it was really nothing-blah-blah, so who knows what happened there.
Apparently they are both able to handle drinking now and are able to be responsible now and they are just going to do a little social drinking and it's all very smart and sophisticated and nothing bad is going to happen this time around.
Har-har-har!
Oh, get in the boat and sail down the river of DENIAL. Better bring a paddle 'cuz pretty soon you'll find yourself paddling up SHIT creek.
Idiots.

See, if you know about people who seek out places like N.A. and A.A. and stay with it of their own free will, not because they're court ordered or on probation or threatened to do something by a family member, these are people who probably have had very serious problems with drugs and alcohol, and they KNOW it. It's also like... you cannot suddenly change and go back to just nice, social drinking. It does NOT work that way.
Like one thing we say, (but it works in many aspects of life) - the definition of insanity is "Repeating the same thing and expecting different results." Like continually throwing a match on gasoline and waiting for the time when it WON'T blow up in your face, duh.

So, my husband is telling me this story and I said,
"I knew something was up, we haven't seen them lately at all!" and he screams at me,
"Why didn't you SAY something! You're very intuitive about things!" and I screamed back,
"Don't scream at me! I didn't do this to you!" and he screams back,
"But you're the ONLY person I can TRUST!" and I screamed back,
"I know! It's a good thing you married me!" and he said,
"I know!"

It's nice to be in a trusting relationship.

My husband is pretty devastated though, because he knows what he has to do is cut these guys loose.
He has another friend he can hang out with who's also a drug counselor, but the guy kinda gives me the creeps 'cuz he's too nice and I think he has a crush on me and he has rat teeth.
I'm not trying to flatter myself! I'm very intuitive, remember?

Daily Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Is it hard to watch your friends fall and know you have to stay away from them for your own sanity?
Can you be there for them when they try to get back up?
What would you do?

I Can't Stop Myself!

2007-12-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

But this is it! I swear!
Here's the snow globes.

I only have two Harley ones. I thought I had three. And actually that big one is a Christmas present for my friend that collects snow globes; I thought I'd enjoy it until Christmas Eve, ha-ha! I need to go by the Harley Shop and pick up this year's edition of the Harley-Davidson limited edition snow globe... how come every thing at Harley is "limited edition"? They're full of shit. It just gives them the right to charge 5 times the amount for an item so suckers like me will buy it. And it works.

In other news:
The job is going good. The manager of the company who hired me to do the web page, who hired THREE other people to do it in the last year and fired them all, got fired himself! And for some "strange" reason, the password to the cPanel on the server got changed twice, and I spent a few days spinning my wheels and not being able to get a hold of the cable company to get the problem fixed so I could upload web pages, and wondering what the fuck was going on - I was about to have a fit and just quit myself!
It's been a real cluster-fuck, but the owners really like my work so they authorized me to keep working on it, so that's cool.

I'll be back soon with a real post. Drama and tragedy. Oh, I fucking hate when people say they're gonna post about that and then make you wait, don't you? But I will here soon, just as soon as I get my hands out of my pockets.

And OMG! I just went to change the channel on the TV and they've added a FUCK TON of new channels but COMPLETELY changed the lineup from channel 10 on, so EVERY other of the 70 channels that I already knew? Are all now on a different channel now. And OMFG! That's just the digital cable box in the living room. The regular cable on the bedroom TV is the same as it was. WTF? Now I'm going to be doubly confused. So now I'm gonna have to carry a phone book sized TV guide to remember what channels are what.
Great.
So I have 50 new channels of SHIT I don't want to watch and have to re-learn where the ones I like are. They better have added "E!" and "Oxygen". Oh shut up! "Oxygen" plays "Absolutely Fabulous" and I have not seen it in four years! I've never even seen the last season. LOVE that show!
OK, Now I know what I want for Christmas, is it too late to order?
Sweetie-Darling!

Daily Prayer:
This post was a waste of time.

Have I said anything of interest?
Could I be any more boring?

Who Is "fuzz.performancing.com"?

2007-12-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

...and why the fuck am I so interesting?
Please identify yourself.

Edit:
OK, apparently it's some blog-whoring site that teaches you how to whore out your blog and they like my design (which I designed myself and NO I didn't draw the "Rebel Girl" that would mean "paint" or "illustrate", not "design" like I said - they are 3 different things, which some idiots don't understand that, I'm not saying I drew the girl, but I designed around her and drew everything else in, well with the computer, but the computer doesn't just fucking "draw" for you, you draw things yourself and if you don't believe me, let's see YOU just magically draw with the computer, m'kay? Let's see THAT.)

And something about an award. What award? Who? Where? Is it some secret society or what?

Edit, again:
Yeah, so, I guess it is some BIG fucking SECRET?

*ahem*

*tap, tap, tap...*

Who Let That Fat Bastard in Here?

2007-12-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

Edit: I added the rest of the pics of the decorations I wasn't going to put up!

I know I said I wasn't going to decorate...

...but that's it! Just a Santa. And some garland on the entertainment center.
And another little tree in the entryway:

...and some twinkly lights above the bar:

...and the lights outside.
But that's all!
No more!
I will not have clutter!
I already have a fat man ho-ho-ho-ing all over my house all year long, I don't need another.

Is your decorating done? or underway?

Thomas & Friends & More Friends & Their Friends...

2007-11-28T18:27:00.000-08:00

Aaccckkk!

I'm not decorating for Christmas. I'm not dragging out more crap.
Yeah, just what I need, more crap sitting all over the house.
Fuck it.

Edit: I'm still gonna decorate the outside of the house. I might even get some extra decorations for outside. But that's it. Outside only. Seriously.

Daily Prayer:
I can has clean house?
Help!

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by clutter?

A Woman Needs a Man Like a Fish Needs a Net

2007-11-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

What is with women whose only sense of self worth is hanging off the arm of a man? At any sign of trouble in their current relationship, they immediately seek the attention of another man. Or before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers, they're applying glitter to their boobs and running out to the clubs to find someone new. Even seemingly happily single women, who think it's not about how they look and how they dress for their own personal satisfaction, it seems it's only about how sexy they can appear to men. I'm thoroughly disgusted by women who act like this, and yet, it makes me sad.
I'm certainly not saying I've never done these things. When I was much younger. And much stupider. But I eventually matured and outgrew this way of thinking.

At the end of my third failed marriage, when I saw my ex immediately make bad choices and jump into a relationship with no thought process involved at all, (none whatsoever!) it was like a light bulb went off, or more like a sledge-hammer whacked me upside the head (besides the knife to my heart, but that's neither here nor there) and I clearly saw, and said,
"Aha! He's headed for trouble!" I saw clearly what he was doing wrong, what many of us, including myself, often do wrong. I thank him for that (and hope he's utterly miserable, but that's neither here nor there). It really made me take a close look at myself and not want to repeat the same mistakes.

I wasn't the lost, stupid, little girl I was when he found me, the girl he could play "Big Man" to, or boss around. I no longer listened to "how things should be done" or what I "should be doing" or how his ~~perfect~~ mother did things. I think that's what ultimately led to our breakdown. I realized that I had been doing things all along that were just fine. I had realized that I he didn't support me, financially or emotionally and therefore wasn't my partner; more like, he was riding my coat-tails. I had grown and I had changed, while he didn't. And when he left, he didn't take any of me with him. I became even more confident as I realized I didn't NEED a man. Sure, they can be nice to have around, but I didn't need one, in any way.

If you find yourself alone, single, divorced? What's so bad about that? It doesn't make you a failure. It gives you more time to work on YOU and figure out what YOU want. What do you want? And what about what you really should be doing? Not what I think you should be doing, but what I know YOU think you should be doing. Don't you have children you could be paying attention to? What about a hobby? How about that class you always wanted to take? There are many fun and useful things you could be doing besides baiting yourself and sitting at some bar or in some internet chat room, waiting for a fish to bite.

How smart is it to jump from one failed relationship and right into another? Just because someone is shiny and new doesn't make them better, it just makes them new. And if you chose the last clunker, chances are, you're going for another one; it's just a matter of time before you discover the flaw, the same flaw, over and over, because you didn't take the time to look it over thoughtfully in the first place. I never used to believe in that "subconscious choices" psycho-babble, but there is something to it. I see it happen often enough. Especially if you don't change yourself. If you stay the same as you've always been, follow the same thinking, you will make the same choices and attract the same kind of people, with the same end result.

Jumping from one relationship to the next does about as much good as changing seats on the Titanic; you haven't changed a thing, you've only moved a few inches over.
You're still going down. You're still doomed.

Daily Prayer:
You can't base a relationship on black lace panties -
Sure, they look cute now, but they'll still smell bad in the morning.

What do you think?
What do you think of people who lose their identity in their partner?

You're Ugly and Your Mother Dresses You Funny

2007-11-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow, I better check in for my weekly post. Crap.
I've been really busy 'cuz I got a HUGE and important job and through no fault of my own, because the last person hung them up for 6 months, they want their web page up NOW. It's an awesome company and I want to do "the best job ever so far in my career", (heh, I use the term "career" loosely, ha-ha!) so yeah, "eeeeeeeek!" and I'm really excited about it. But I might be scarce for a while.

Speaking of my work, here's something that TOTALLY pissed me off:
I made this simple yet beautiful and tasteful web-page for this lady's business. I made her custom artwork that she loved, including for her business cards, brochures, she had the logo blown up and put onto her vehicle, and it was the first time I've ever had my artwork on TV! (pronounced, "Tay-Vay"!) At the end of her TV commercial, it showed the logo I made and the web address and phone number, squeee! I know I'm a dork, but it's exciting to me.

So la-dee-da, one day last week I'm going along on my own website and adding links to web-pages I've designed so people can see my work - I put a screen shot of how the front page looks and you click on it and it goes to the actual page on the web, right? So I clicked on this lady's page, just to check that it's still there or whatever and BOINK! It looks like the page I made, but it's different, it's all tweaked out and contorted and stuff is in the wrong place. See, I'm not the most talented person on the face of the Earth, but what I can do, I can do correctly and in a cohesive manner. Like, the link sidebar goes down the left side with the links, you know, and the title banner with the logo stays stationary across the top of the page. Makes sense, right?
So the page was all fucked up and every time you clicked a link, things jumped around, even the link bar; sometimes it was an inch away from the side of the page, sometimes half an inch. It would jerk upwards on one click and down and to the side on the next. And the logo across the top; on one page it would be at the top, on another page, all the way over to the right and half way down the page, and on one page, it was even down on the left below the (dancing and jerking) link-bar.
WTF?

Well, I looked at the address bar and her "business-name".com had redirected to some "super-duper-business-marketing".com /slash "her-business-name". (I just checked again, and now it doesn't even redirect from her "business-name.com" site, that site is now blank, so what is she gonna do? Change all her materials that have that web address on it, including her vehicle?) She had given over control of the website to some local business marketing company. They were still using my artwork and colors but at least they didn't steal my code. And I can't be pissed about that, I designed her artwork and she paid me, so really it's hers now.

I'm just pissed that for probably two months I've been linking to that fucked up page and people who went there from my website would think I designed that piece of shit.
So I went and looked at the "super-duper-business-marketing" companys website and I don't charge anymore than they do, but they offer free hosting and free page updates (I don't know how they do that, they didn't explain.) But as far as web-designers, they are fucking HACKS. Crappy, I'm telling you, the shit they design looks like it's straight out of the early days of the internet. I mean, they offer one "design package" that is ONE page for 70 bucks and what they do is SCAN in the persons business card and put it on a webpage with a fucking UGLY, TACKY background and that's it! No links, no design, no nothing.
Example-
Actually it looks better because I've cropped the picture down tiny, but look at the close up, that's what it looks like on the screen when you go to the web page because they used a scanned business card, it's all blurry and crappy looking:

Something like that can be done in 5 minutes, but that's not the point. The point is, I would be ASHAMED to make something that fucking ugly, let alone charge someone for it and put it on the web.
OMG. And I'm pissed that I was linking to it.
That cunt-bag better not EVER call me to do any work for her again.

Daily Prayer:
God, thank you for giving me good taste.

Have you ever had anyone take your work and screw it up? Did it bother you or reflect badly on you? Did they then ask you to fix it?

Holiday Crunch Time

2007-11-12T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm reading about a lot of Bloggers lately already getting stressed about the upcoming Holidays and family gatherings. Well, I shouldn't say "already"; did you know there's only 42 days till Christmas?
Yeah, I'll wait while you try to swallow down the puke that just rose in your throat. Are you OK now? Get a hold of yourself!
Go out and shop RIGHT NOW. That shopping the Friday after Thanksgiving bullshit is SO stupid. I would rather eat dog shit than shop the day after Thanksgiving with every other idiot trying to get the "Ass-crack of Dawn" deals. And socks. Yeah, I'm gonna get up at 3:00 a.m. to stand in line in the cold to buy SOCKS.
Do you have that "Sock Sale" phenomenon in your town?
Socks. SOCKS!
I can buy fucking SOCKS cheaper than that everyday at WalMart if I need some fucking SOCKS. Jesus. People are stupid.

But anyway, I sympathize with these bloggers, I know exactly what they're going through. Luckily, I meet with most of my stressful side of the family in the summer and see the other side (the ones I really like) during the Holidays, but yes, any sort of forced family gathering can be stressful. Some of these people we would never even hang out with if we weren't related, now would we? What's that about? Why not see them a different day and spend the main holiday with people we truly like?

So, I've compiled some ~~crazy and abrasive~~ handy hints to help you through the dreaded Holiday Dinner:

~ Avoid.
Is it possible you could have to work the Holiday? Think about it, is that really such a bad prospect? Have an excuse to avoid the extended family and get paid time and a half or double for the day? How about that elective surgery you've been putting off? Can you schedule your hysterectomy for December 22nd? The hospitals will be less full and you'll get better service from the nurses. It will seem less painful, too, because you'd be avoiding that stressful family dinner.

~ Deny.
If you must attend the festivities, pretend these people are not your relatives, they're just people, like at the DMV or the Social Security office. You're stuck there for a couple of hours, so make the best of it, exchange pleasantries, and if they bother you, pretend when this is over you'll never see them again as long as you live. Or at least until next year.

~ Deflect.
You can deflect the negativity of certain overly critical relatives by staying in close proximity to another relative who is in even worse standing with the family than you are. For instance, sit by your lesbian cousin at all times. This is easy since you've always liked her. Also, lighten the mood, for example, (if you're a female) pick up the People magazine on the coffee table with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the cover and exclaim loudly,
"That Angelina is HOT, I'd do her!"
You can also discuss benign subjects, like comfortable shoes.

~ Defend.
Keep busy by defending other relatives who are in even worse standing in the family than you are. If your cousin is a Gay man who wasn't allowed to bring his lover because it makes Auntie uncomfortable, you can always waggle your eyebrows and say things like,
"At least he's not living a LIE", because in your opinion her husband was a true effeminate Flamer who lived in denial and is it such a surprise that their son, your cousin, was naturally born gay? Watch her squirm and mentally question her 50 years of marriage. I love visiting with my Gay cousin, we discuss interior design, hot men and again, shoes.

~ Be yourself.
If the weather allows (this is the bitch about Thanksgiving and Christmas, it's often snowing) ride your motorcycle to Holiday events. This is fun and reminds you of who you are, and it also pisses off your Uncle Steve with the stick-up-his-ass because he's a rich business man who never drove anything more powerful than a Vespa while he was touring Italy. Oh, and be sure to park on the lawn, no one will say anything, and the kids will love it! Do it for the children!

~ If someone tries to "get your goat", don't let them get to you. Nothing pisses people off more than when they are trying to get a rise out of you and you laugh them off. If someone mentions yet again how long your husband's hair is, you can laugh and say,
"At his age, he's happy to HAVE hair." Watch all the men over 30 blush and rub their sparsely populated heads.

~ When your sister-in-law won't shut the fuck up about how SMART her precious little Suzy is and you are tired of bobbing your head in agreement, just say to her, "Oh my, yes! It's a good thing she's so smart; she's certainly not going to get by on her looks."

~ Speaking of spawn, if any couple is so rude as to bring up that they're "trying" for another baby, go with it. Say things like, "Woo-hoo! That must be fun! Do you do it every day? You're supposed to do it everyday and then stand on your head afterwards! Please, elaborate! Tell us more!" Heh-heh.

~ Don't drink too much. If you drink, just drink enough to get a pleasant buzz and some courage to carry out my suggestions. Leave the drunkenness to others. In fact, encourage it, especially with the assholes. The bigger fool someone makes of themselves, the less attention on you and the more entertaining as people point and laugh at them. If you stay completely sober, you can use Uncle Steve's Mercedes to chauffer people home (cuz you drove your motorcycle right? You can't take them on that!), drop them off and then go for a quick run on the empty freeway. Have you ever noticed how little traffic there is on winter holidays? That's cuz everybody else is stuck at some relatives house.
Before you leave the gathering, sneak a bottle of booze off the counter and into your purse for later, when you get home. No one will miss it and you deserve it! You got through another family gathering! Now you can go home and RELAX.

Daily Prayer:
T-minus 42 days and counting...

Are you stressing about the Holiday family gatherings?
Or looking forward to it?

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

2007-11-06T20:57:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing people saying that they hate the time change. Actually, this is the wrong time of year to say you don't like the time change. We have now changed to Standard Time, which is in fact, the REAL Time. What you should be properly hating is Daylight Saving Time, the one that happens in the Spring, when we jump AHEAD and LOSE an hour. I wrote about it once, here.

One friend said something to the effect that, it seems earlier than it is, so she wants to stay up later and then gets up too late. No, technically, your body has been accustomed to it getting dark at a later time, so if it's getting dark earlier, you should assume it's later, so really, you should be wanting to go to bed earlier, and consequently, you would then get up earlier.
Another friend is very upset at Ben Franklin right now. Again, this anger should be reserved for the Spring. Ben was one of the ones who noted Daylight Saving Time might be a good idea, but actually, he proposed it jokingly in a satirical article. Being a witty and jolly type, he knew if he seriously proposed that people get up earlier, he would be met with a hearty, "Fuck you!" The general populace had to slave and work hard for their existence, they didn't need some dandy who passed his time flying kites to tell them to get up earlier and work longer.

Then along came William Willet, another rich fuck with too much time on his soft hands, who noticed on his early morning rides that nobody was up. What he didn't think of was the reason they weren't up. They were POOR, they were TIRED from hard work, and they were most likely depressed with life, too. But Mr. Willet thought, as he rode around on his horse in the bright morning sunshine (while his servants, no doubt, were back at his estate preparing his sumptuous breakfast,) he thought people should be up and enjoying life as he was.
If not enjoying, they should just be up and at their work. This idea was met with a hearty, "Fuck you!"

So at first there wasn't a Daylight Saving Time at all, there was simply a mandate that all Federal employees had to be at work one hour earlier every day during the summertime. (See, the typical government response to a hearty "Fuck you!" being an even BIGGER, "Well yeah? Fuck YOU, too!") so finally, instead of making people get up an hour earlier every single day, they compromised and jumped the clock ahead one hour on one day. So that's a pretty sweet deal, losing only one hour and not having to get up an hour earlier every single day in the summer, right?

But now we are on Standard Time, the actual Real Time, so there's no reason to get upset. We get tricked all summer long, but now things are back as they should be. I think.
Maybe we should just always keep two clocks, side by side, and one will show Standard (Real) Time, and the other would be set on Daylight Saving Time. Then, in the summer, if you're an hour late to work, you could just say,
"Dang! I looked at the wrong clock again!"
and no one could blame you because actually, you were looking at the Real Time, right? And then in the fall even though both the clocks would match, you could still just go around with two watches on your wrist, like in the 80's, or you could wear one on your wrist and a giant one hanging on your chest, like Flavor Flav:

Because that's a LOOK, you know, a look I think we should see more of in da 'hood.
Fo' shizzle.
~cough~
(I've always wanted to work "fo' shizzle" into a conversation and never thought I could!)

And then at night, depending on what season it is or what time zone you're in, when you get sick of the kids, you can just trick them and send them to bed early! It's 9 o'clock somewhere! Go to bed! Ha-ha-ha!

And then... oh, never mind, I'm confusing myself.
I'm fucking tired and I'm going to bed, I don't give a shit what time it is.

Edit:
Oh, and it's Daylight "Saving" Time, not "Savings". It's not a bank account.

Daily Prayer:
Time waits for no man.

Are you confused by the time change?
Which time do you like better, Standard or Daylight Saving?
Why?

Another Installment of Small Town Police Reports

2007-11-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

I love looking at our town's police reports.
They're so much more interesting than the news, which usually consists of the goings on at the fairgrounds or the senior center and the occasional deadly head-on car crashes on the local undivided highways, cuz apparently country-bumpkins cain't stay to they own side o' the YELLOW LINE and should go back to driving horses or oxen or something. But I digress...
Here's the recent excitement from the local Police Logs. Well, not exciting really, but definitely good for some laughs.

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Officer: BLACKLEDGE
Arrested: MONTGOMERY, WAYNERD OWEN
(32 yrs)
*DUII / Traffic Arrest Made for Driving Under the Influence of Intoxicants:*

DUII OFF OF A TRAFFIC COMPLAINT.
SEE REPORT.

Location : 1565 SW 23rd STREET

~Waynerd? WAYNERD?
Dude's parents were CRUEL! No wonder he's a drunk! Poor guy, he never had a chance in life...

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Officer: MADDEN
Reporter: YELL, RENAE MARIE
* CIVIL INFO CIVIL INFORMATION - *NOT SERVICE* (STANDBYS,INFO,SALES):*

REPORTER CALLED REFERENCE PLEASURE TOYS BEING TAKEN FROM HER CAR BY FRIEND. RP WAS ABLE TO GET ITEMS BACK BUT WANTED HER 30 DOLLARS BACK FOR GAS TO SUNRIVER. ADVISED THIS WAS A CIVIL ISSUE.

Location : 2763 SW JUNIPER AVE

~Someone stole her dildo? New or used? Ewww.

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Officer: SPECK
* ASST CIT Assist Citizen /Motorist Assist:*

VICTORIA BECAME LOCKED IN HER VEHICLE AFTER THE POWER WENT OUT. SHE WAS ABLE TO PASS THE KEYS TO ME THROUGH THE TRUNK SO I COULD LET HER OUT. THE DOORS WERE CHECKED AFTER SHE WAS FREED AND THEY APPEARED TO BE OPERATING PROPERLY MINUS THE ELECTRICITY.

Location : 438 NW 19TH ST

~You've all seen that internet joke video of the "dumb blond" locked inside her own car? Bet you thought it was just a silly, made-up joke, huh?

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Officer: PETERSEN
* SUSP CIRC Suspicious Circumstances:*

REPORTED A FEMALE WAS RIDING HER BIKE AND SHOWING HER BREASTS TO PASSERBY'S.

Location : 406 W ANTLER AVE

~Officer Peterson is on the case, he's gonna be busy for awhile.

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Officer: PETERSEN
Reporter: MESSINGER, HEATHER NICHOL
* SUSP CIRC Suspicious Circumstances:*

RP REPORTED A FEMALE SHOWING HER BREASTS TO PASSERBY'S.

Location : 568 SW 5TH ST

~Officer Peterson is determined to find this chick.

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Officer: DICKSON
Reporter: LABERTEAUX, VIRGINIA LYNN
* HARASS Harassment/Threats/Menacing/Stalking/Phone Harassment:*

RP ARRIVED AT HOME AND A SILVER DODGE NEON WITH A WING ON THE BACK FOLLOWED HER. THE NEON PARKED BEHIND HER AND SHE TOLD THE 2 MALES IN THE CAR THEY NEEDED TO LEAVE. DRIVER DESCRIBED AS HISPANIC MALE AND PASSENGER WAS A WHITE MALE.
THE MALES BARKED AT HER AND LEFT.

Location : 1821 SW 21ST ST

~I've heard of guys following girls, but to bark at them? She must have been really ugly! It was probably the girl showing her breasts to passersby. I see Officer Peterson gave up on finding her.

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Officer: LACHANCE
* ACO Animal Control Complaint:*

LISA WANTED THE COS'S TO KNOW HER HAMSTERS WERE KILLED POSSIBLY BY THE SAME TWO PIT BULLS REPORTED RUNNING AT LARGE TWO DAYS AGO IN HER NEIGHBORHOOD. INFORMATION PASSED ONTO CSO'S.

Location : 1631 NW 20TH ST

~I wanna know what the Fuck your hamsters are doing outside running at large in your neighborhood.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: PETERSEN
Reporter: BIGGS, HEIDI LYNNE

* LOST PROP Lost Property:*

RP REPORTED HER CAR KEYS WERE MISSING.
SHE FOUND THEM IN THE BABY BAG.

Location : 732 SW 6TH ST #A

~Umm...is this the the same chick who locked herself inside her own car? If so, we need to take her keys away. And the baby, we need to take the baby away. Yikes.

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Officer: KNIGHT
* SUSP SUBJ Suspicious Subject /Prowler:*

ANONYMOUS RP REPORTED POSSIBLE DRUG USE IN VEHICLE IN THE AREA.
CHECKED ON VEHICLE AND FOUND SUBJECT CROCHETING.

Location : 1209 SW 28TH ST

I tell ya, it's a small town, but imaginations run wild. Paranoid, much?

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Officer: HICKS
Reporter: PREVISH, ELIZABETH ESTHER
* DISPUTE Neighborhood Dispute / Civil Dispute:*

DISPUTE OVER HAMSTER. HAMSTER RETURNED TO RIGHTFUL OWNER AND BOTH PARTIES WERE TOLD NOT TO CONTACT ONE ANOTHER.

Location : 1201 SW 27TH ST

~OK, what the fuck is up with the hamsters again? Is there some new weird-ass hamster fetish going on that I don't know about? Wait...I don't want to know...

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Officer: HICKS
Reporter: ANONYMOUS
* GARBAGE Illegal Dumping of Garbage / Etc.:*

WENT LOOKING FOR BALLS AND FOUND NONE.

Location : 401 NW CANYON DR

~I know a few men with that problem!

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Daily Prayer:
Help!
I've spotted a Stupid Person!
Call 9-1-1!!!

What's the stupidest thing you've heard someone calling the cops about?

Boo!

2007-10-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

I think it's working and scaring the kids away.
Poor little darlings. Heh.

Oh! Saintseester's comment reminded me of a story.
One Halloween, I was with this boyfriend (the only one I even cared about after we broke up, and now he's dead. How come all the other ones I have ended up hating are still alive? Huh? Riddle me that?) anyway, we were driving around during the day on Halloween and he wanted to stop by his cousin's house real quick and ask him something. So we stopped at the curb and I said,
"I'll just wait here in the car."
So he got out of the car and started walking up the sidewalk to the house. I was absent-mindedly watching and noticed there was a black cat lounging on a chair on the front porch. Well, as my boyfriend put his foot on the first step to walk up the stairs, the black cat suddenly JUMPED up, arched his back and hissed!

My boyfriend was startled and kind of pulled his foot back in mid-air and the cat, apparently thinking the stairs were the only route of escape (it could have ran anywhere, to the side, over the railing, where ever, it's a cat, you know) but the cat runs STRAIGHT down the stairs and under my boyfriend's foot, and now he's completely startled at the hissing cat running at him, so he's kind of hopping on one foot because he doesn't want to step on the poor cat. And the cat's all,
"Reeeeeeee-rrrrrrr!"
and escapes into the yard and my boyfriend is almost falling down at this point from holding his foot up in the air, so he barely catches himself and sits down on the stairs, really hard. I was laughing so hard! I got out of the car to go run to him, but instead, I'm stumbling up the walk, staggering and laughing and just at that point, the cousin comes to the door screaming,
"What the Hell is going on?!"
He was freaked out too. He thought I was crying or hurt, because I was laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes.

Yeah. That was a funny Halloween.

Has anything really odd ever happened to you on Halloween?

Suck Ups

2007-10-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

I had no idea people were so loyal to their vacuums.
I have seen this at 3 times in the last month alone and it's really bothering me, women bemoaning their loss of suction power and fretting over what new vacuum they should purchase. Um, excuse me?
It's not a car.
It's not a new and improved wide screen Hi-definition TV.
It's not even a decision about a fabulous pair of designer shoes!
Excessive spending could be understood for any of those items, especially the fabulous shoes, but, it's a fucking vacuum cleaner!
Really, have I missed that many Girly-Club Meetings? When did this become such a burning issue for so many women?

You know, I could even understand wanting a certain type of kitchen appliance. We expect them to last for years (a stove) or perform continuously (refrigerator) and they are also displayed in the kitchen for everyone to see, so we want the latest type or color (stainless). But a vacuum? Do you parade it out when company is over? Do you figure out a way to take it outside (?) so the neighbors can be jealous? Does your husband brag to his friends how much horsepower it has?
It's a fucking vacuum!

How about your toilet? Now, I'm aware that there are bigger and nicer toilets out there. I AM aware! I know they come taller then the average size (have you ever sat on a handicapped toilet? It's heavenly! You don't have to squat down so far. And with America getting fatter, they really need to make the seats wider.)
I know they make toilets that will flush 20 golf balls or a large bath towel, but really, if you're flushing that stuff, the toilet is not gonna help get rid of it; it'll flush right through the toilet and promptly get stuck in the pipes, unless you have culverts in place of regular size plumbing. Dur.
But tell me, right now, quick! Without looking, what brand is your toilet? What are it's measurements and capacity? You should at LEAST know how many gallons it uses to flush, right?
You don't know, do you?
If you had to buy a new one would you gather all these specs so you would know exactly what you're looking for before going to the Home Depot?
I mean, you use it a lot, right? You really need a certain performance level out of a toilet, don't you? Aren't you concerned about this? Why don't I hear women discussing their toilets? Maybe it's a "Man thing".

I look at it this way - a vacuum is a purely utilitarian object. I don't CARE what brand it is or what color it is, as long as it does its job and can pick up this stuff:

that comes off this thing:

What the Hell are you doing inside anyway? You're a DOG. Get your hairy ass outside! Guard the bikes and make yourself useful or something:

Anyhow...let's pretend it was a car in a similar situation - say you had to drive out to the country down a nasty, dirt road full of potholes and rocks flying up and banging the undercarriage and dirt and dust and, and, dog hair swirling around...you have a choice - you could take your brand new Mercedes or your husbands old Ford Taurus. You'd take the Taurus, wouldn't you? No one's gonna see you and you don't want to muck up your nice, expensive new car.

So what I do is, I buy a cheap vacuum. It has 12 suction amps (whatever that means) it has 3 filters, it's bag-less so there's no added expense there. Then every few years when it seems to not be suctioning as well, and I've taken it apart and cleaned it as best I can and it still doesn't seem to work (instead of having to have it serviced or something because I'm still making payments on it!) guess what?
I THROW IT AWAY and get a new and improved and lovely vacuum. For like, $45 bucks.
I refuse to make payments on a fucking vacuum.

Am I crazy? Or is it just you?

Daily Prayer:
Suck it, Dyson!

Are you loyal to your vacuum? Why is it so special to you?
Am I wrong to throw away something and harm the environment?

Talk Dirty to Me

2007-10-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

This is something I usually do not talk about because I consider it too personal, but it has started to get to me. It's something I run across out there on the Internuts from time to time.
Sex Talk.
I don't mean "Blogs about Sex"; they have their own little category and that's not why I blog so I just stay away from those, right? And I don't even mean the occasional hilarious and awkward story about someone's strange little "experience". Those stories can make for a really good laugh.

What I mean is when - you're just surfing along seemingly innocent little bloggies and suddenly someone wants to give you personally detailed instructions. These crack me up. They tend to irritate me, too.
Why?
Because, I think to myself:
YOU DID NOT INVENT SEX.
Sex has been around a LONG time.
You did not invent blow-jobs or swallowing or mind blowing orgasms. Maybe you just discovered it yourself, but someone, somewhere, has probably done that before. For instance, taking it up the ass has been done by lots of people of both genders. I would bet that cum-guzzling whores have been around for centuries and I would suspect this is how many Catholic couples limit their family size.
You really are not giving out any new information.

And whatever strange sex act it is, just because someone isn't doing that particular thing doesn't make them inexperienced or repressed or inferior. Maybe they HAVE tried it and they do NOT like it. Maybe even tried it several times and NOPE! Doesn't do it for them.
Maybe they have NOT tried it and they don't ever want to. For instance, I've never eaten a monkey brain and I don't want to and I don't feel that I'm missing something by not doing it.
Like going to the gynecologist, eh, girls? We've been, we've been a lot. We've had speculums and fingers and giant Q-tips and all manner of things jammed up there, but it's still not something we would describe as enjoyable. It's completely different, right? It's that same area that can bring such pleasure. I have never once gotten off by the exam. I would think if you do, you're kinda sick.

See, I think a lot of the whole sex thing is chemistry between two people (at least for me, it only includes me and one other person.) It's attraction - physically, mentally, spiritually, that sort of thing. Common likes and dislikes in certain areas? A matching of the same level of experience, maybe? And all of these qualities are important in different ways to different people. Well, and for me, it wasn't always ALL of those things, but at least one, I think.
Like, I've had a few girl friends ask me who was my best lover ever. You would think it was one of my four husbands, right? Wrong. And I had thought I had pretty much seen everything, well most of it, but with this one person, it was a combination of all those things and at a certain time in my life, too. And it was mutual, we both felt the same way at the time. I later outgrew him, so the factors just didn't all come together anymore, but anyways...

Like I was saying, I think it's a personal and intimate preference sort of thing and I resent people giving technical instructions or what I really think of as BRAGGING about how wonderfully talented they are at it. That's what I really think they're doing. I think they are just trying to brag. You know,
"WooHoo! Look what I can do!"

This one lady was blogging about how she could give her husband a blow-job that made his eyes roll back in his head. I'm thinking,
"My my, do tell!"
But she never did tell. I think in the comments she told one of her friends to e-mail her. So I said to my husband (he was watching football and you know men and their TV, you can say, "Here's a big juicy steak" or "The house is on fire!" and they'll say "Huh? wait 'till commercial.")
I said,
"Honey, this lady can give a blow-job to roll your eyes back in your head."
He jumped up to look at the computer,
"Huh? How? What does she do?"
And he started scrolling, looking for answers and as he's scrolling he came to her profile photo.
"Jesus!" he pushed away from the monitor, disgusted.
"Why'd you have to go and put your ugly mug on there!" he screamed at the computer screen.
"It's like that Pavlovian Dog response! Now every time I hear the word 'blow-job', I'll think of her ugly face and my dick will go limp!"
So you see, I think it's not just the techniques, there's a lot more to the whole thing, overall.

And the *appliances and the whips and the chains, oh my!
(*I'm not counting personal vibrators, ladies.)
OK, that's nice but what do you do when you're camping and there's no electricity and such? Can you possibly just do it by hand? What's wrong with nice and simple, not having to fetch a box of toys every time? I would think that would be cumbersome. And I know certain men that just would NOT want anything electronic or vibrating or buzzing attached to their member, or anywhere in the general vicinity. Some men are just funny about that, you know? I think that's where that "Urban Legend Gerbil Story" comes from, it's a horror story to most men. It's a sensitive area for them and they're very wary of anything foreign moving around down there.

And the pills, oh my God! Who here thinks a 4 hour erection sounds like a nightmare? I mean, yes, when I was a young'un and feeling my oats, I might have thought that sounded fantastic, but as a mature person, I now have other hobbies.
I have things to do.
Places to go.
People (with clothes on) to see.

My husband, he makes enough trips to the emergency room and it upsets him because he feels that he's weak and sick and it makes him less of a man. But I tell you what, every time that commercial comes on TV and says,
"In case of priapis, an erection lasting more than 4 hours, please seek immediate medical attention..." he gets a look of horror that can in no way be mistaken for envy. He don't want that shit. He'll look at me with that deer in the headlights look and I'll return the exact same look and shake my head, NO. I don't want that, either. Don't ever take that Viagra shit.

I believe there's a time and a place for everything and there's lots of factors to consider. What works for you may not work for me and I resent being told it's what you think I should be doing.
For instance, after a busy day of taking care of the baby and I then I drive him home and when I get back it's 7:00 p.m. and I'm starving to death, so then I have to warm up my dinner that my non-cock-ring-having husband prepared for me and he's at work on the swing shift, and then I pick up the house so it's nice and clean, and maybe he calls me later and we don't have phone sex, we have an actual conversation because we like each other and have things in common and have things to talk about...
you know, it's all right.
It's our chemistry. It works just fine for us.

Daily Prayer:
Crack that whip!

Have you ever learned a new way to do "something" from a blog?
Do you feel stupid if someone says they do something that you don't do?
Does this kind of talk bother you in any way?

I Enjoy Being a Girl

2007-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

I have a friend I really don't see that much and she's always saying we should get together. So I called her and asked her about this weekend.
She can't Saturday morning, because she's getting her hair done. She can't do anything Saturday afternoon because she's getting her nails done, ooo! I should come with, and get MY nails done!
Uh, no, I already have nails; I don't need attachments to go on the end of them.
So I said to her, how about Sunday? What are you doing Sunday? Oh, Sunday she has plans for shopping all these great sales because she wants new winter clothes! And my eyes glaze over. I like a good shop once in a great while, but this girl? She always has fabulous clothes, so now I guess I know why.
Then I suddenly remembered why I don't see her very much.

I am sick to death of women who constantly worry about their appearance! Not that you're supposed to roll out of bed and not bathe or comb your hair, but how much time out of the day can you spend primping yourself?

I know, I know, I'm guilty, I do it too. I think just not as much as most girls. I pluck my eyebrows and curl my eyelashes and fluff at my hair and file my fingernails, but on an everyday basis? That's about it.

I have no reason to put fake plastic on top of my nails so I can stare at them for a day or two. I can't do shit when my nails are too long, it drives me crazy! And if I DO try to do things with my hands, then the nails get chipped and ruined and gunk gets under my fingernails. What is the point? Hands are our greatest tools, they aren't accessories on the end of our arms just for admiring. I have no use for fake fingernails.

I can count on one hand how many times a year I wear make-up. I broke the habit of feeling like I had to wear makeup everyday when I was about 19 or 20. It was hard at first! I decided that if you're in the habit of ALWAYS wearing make-up, then people get used to it have a negative reaction when you don't wear any, like "Oh, you look tired" or whispering "She looks so much better with make-up on."
So I think it's better that people usually see me without it. Every time I put make-up on, I picture a clown painting his face in one of those make-up mirrors with the round light bulbs down the side. Every time! That's what I picture. And clowns are scary.

As for heels? I LOVE a cute shoe, really I do, but they are not practical for me. I mean in the sense that I don't find them practical if I need to say, walk or something silly like that. I don't see how girls walk around all day in those things. For me, it's about 3 hours maximum. After about 3 hours, I don't care HOW cute they are, or how expensive, I want to rip those fuckers off and throw them in the garbage! What a stupid, retarded thing to put on your foot! I'd just as soon step in a bear trap, it feels like the same thing!

And these stupid celebrities, they piss me off more than anything. You see some celebrity that's 60 years old on some talk show and the host is saying,
"Wow! You look so good, what is your secret?" and,
"You know I have to ask - have you had plastic surgery?" and the celebrity is all,
"No! I eat right, exercise and get plenty of rest..." blah, blah, blah, liar!
LIAR!
They are LYING!
They have 100 gazillion dollars and they don't get a little nip/tuck? They need to quit fucking LYING to their sisters! I HATE lying celebrities with baby smooth skin selling some stupid skin care regimen, when you know they've had a major face-lift. It's disgusting.

Anyway, forget about celebrities. I'm talking about normal, everyday women who think they have to always look like a movie star or a television commercial or a scene from Sex and the City.
What the Hell is wrong with us?
I mean, I'm all for looking presentable, but some people just get carried away.

Daily Prayer:
Beauty fades, but dumb is forever.

What lengths do you go to to look "beautiful"? And why?
Can you go out completely natural, no makeup, no hair appliances to fix your hair?
If you're a man ( and I hope you don't wear makeup), how do you prefer your women, makeup or no makeup? Why?

Face Off

2007-10-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Oh brother! The new brouhaha sweeping the web is about Facebook not allowing photos of breastfeeding. Why the Hell do mommies have to get all up in arms over a non-issue?
Take, for instance, this:

It says, "This is not a pipe." The idea being, it literally IS NOT a pipe; it's a painting of a pipe, an image of a pipe.

Follow along here, Mommies -
Facebook is not YOURS. They allow you to use their service and when you signed up, you probably checked a little box (without paying a whole lot of attention to it, except it needed to be check-marked) agreeing to the "Terms of Service", you agreed to their rules. You do not OWN the Facebook site, you did not create Facebook. You didn't come up with the idea and the mission statement and develop it and put your money into it and have web designers code it to bring it onto the World Wide Web.
"But," you say, "they allow a picture of a woman in a bikini and it shows MORE!"
That's your opinion. Again, it's not YOUR site. It's THEIR site, so they get to decide. It's as simple as that.

Now, don't get me wrong- I am all for a woman breastfeeding her infant whenever and wherever she needs to. I don't care if she strips to the waist and strolls the town square while breastfeeding her child, if her child is hungry, she needs to feed it. And if anyone was to say anything derogatory about it, I would be the first to call that person an idiot and jump to the woman's defense. If you don't want to see a woman breastfeeding her baby, then look somewhere else! At the sky, at the ground, the the left, to the right, put a fucking bag over your head if you're so damn offended.
If I see a woman, live and in person, breastfeeding her baby, I think that's all well and good and perfectly natural and maybe just a little bit beautiful. However, I must say, if she where to hand me a wallet size photo of her breastfeeding her baby, I'd probably throw it away. I don't necessarily need a memento of a stretched out, saggy boob with red and cracked nipples; it's just NOT the same.
One woman's treasured moment is another woman's trash.

The thing is, Facebook doesn't want any form of nudity on their site. I would guess this means a breast, with or without a baby attached to the end of it. If they allow ONE breast with a baby hanging on the end of it then people with the mentality of a Kindergartener (which includes many, MANY millions of people) will say,
"SHE gets to show her boob, so why can't I show my boob?"
Then men will jump in and say,
"Women get to show their boobs, so I want to put up a picture of my penis!"
and then couples will want a piece of the proverbial action and say,
"We want to put up pictures of our penis and vagina having sex! Because it's all perfectly natural!"
and so on, and pretty soon it's not "Facebook" anymore, it's "BoobBook" and "DickBook" and "FuckBook" which is fine, but there are a proliferation of sites like those on the 'net, so why would the owners even bother developing the idea of a "FaceBook" in the first place?

I look at it this way; say my husband and I are in New York and want to dine at Le Cirque, but Le Cirque requires gentleman to wear suit jackets in order to be admitted. My husband doesn't own a jacket and they probably don't have a loaner to fit him and they don't want us mucking up their lovely dining room with our (what they consider to be) tacky (yet expensive) Harley-Davidson clothing and leathers. WE think we look beautiful, but other people have a different opinion and they have the right to refuse service to us. So, we aren't going to be allowed to eat at Le Cirque. But, they are not keeping us from eating! We can go somewhere else to eat. We won't starve to death.
Same with the breastfeeding as opposed to photos of breastfeeding. Not allowing your breastfeeding picture on a one certain website is not keeping you from breastfeeding your baby and the baby is not going to starve.
I see plenty of breastfeeding pictures everywhere else. I see mommies putting them up on their personal blogs, even blogs owned by Blogger. Blogger doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

So instead of wanking over FaceBook taking down your breastfeeding pictures, why not spend your time protesting an actual business or establishment that has denied women to actually breastfeed in a public place? I would be right there with you and support you 100 percent.

And also, stop with this, "In other countries or cultures..." bullshit. I get SO fucking sick of that argument in relation to this, that, and everything else. If we're talking about the United States and American to American, we should be talking about OUR culture. What is so wrong with our culture and the silly, little rules of our society? I know, we send mixed messages about sex and perfectly natural bodily functions and things. We are hypocrites. We're hyper-sexual in advertising, yet at the same time, puritanical and repressed. We bellow about liberty, yet have laws to the contrary.
So what?
That is our culture and that's the way it is. It's not perfect, but it's ours. I don't mind it so much. Well, I could do without the ridiculous "erectile dysfunction" ads all through the dinner hour, but at least I don't have to look at a condom going over a banana. (That is silly isn't it? Fix your "Limp Dick" so you can have lots of sex, but boy-oh-boy, we don't want to talk about putting a condom on it!)

If you want to argue about how people do things in other countries, be sure to mention that in some other countries, people live in straw huts, eat insects and wipe their ASS with their HAND. That's not relevant to me and the culture in which I was raised, and personally, I like my bourgeois toilet paper.
If you want to whine about how wonderful other countries are, then by all means, go live there!

But whatever, that's our society.
You take the good and the bad and the wishy-washy in between.

What do you think?
Should FaceBook be able to censor its users photographs?

Seven Deadly Sins

2007-09-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

Phew, if you think YOU are crazy, go read this shit that happened on Steph's blog, and then go read her crazy accusers blogs of September 18th, 20th, and 23rd. And read the comments in the accuser's blogs where she rambles on and on. OMG! At first I thought it was pretty funny, but then it became quite sad. A portrait of a paranoid schizophrenic, I'm sure.
The thing is, with a computer full of Trojan viruses, you can't start pointing the finger at everyone you've ever came in contact with on that computer and think they are all out to get you. Point the finger at yourself for not protecting yourself in the first place. Common sense.

The story sort of reminded me of my ~~stupid~~ friend, the Born Again Christian. Sometimes she comes up with shit that I think is just pure crazy. When she first got a computer, my husband (the computer expert a.k.a. "God") asked her what kind and what virus protection she got with it. She said the virus protection was too expensive, so she prayed over it and said God would protect it.
*blink-blink*
(Seriously folks I can't make this shit up. Don't you think I would make up sane and fabulous friends if I was gonna do something like that? If it was anyone else instead of this friend, who's more like a sister, I would have dumped them then and there, that's for sure. Besides a few other bull-shitty things she's done, but nothing too major, you know. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people, or people who act stupid in the name of God.)

But it was good for a laugh and a month later she brought my husband the remains of the dead computer and asked for help. My husband, being God in these kinds of situations, brought her computer back to life and installed an excellent virus protection program. God is Good.

Another time, she told me how God provided her with a new microwave. Her microwave had died and she works for herself and happened to have an extra client that week, so she was able to buy another microwave.
Which brings me to a similar situation; my husband has some nutty Christian friends who came over to show off the wife's new car. (Um...isn't that a sin? "Pride"?) And to my ~~husband's~~ horror, it was the exact same car I had been "lusting" after for about a year.
So I'm ooo-ing and ahh-ing over the car (yeah, I know that's another of the Deadly Sins, "envy"!) and saying how I wanted the same car and the lady says,
"Oh, just pray for it, that's what I did."
*blink-blink*
"Shut up, you fucking cunt," is what I thought in my head.
("Wrath", there's another one.)

Anyway...I don't know, I guess it's the way I was raised, being full of the Catholic guilt/martyrdom complex, but I just don't believe in praying for material things. I just don't. Oh, I know all about people having faith and praising God for all things and ALL things are from God, but come on. Those people that win the huge lotteries and then say God blessed them? I HATE when they say that! Like they are so special and the rest of us aren't? Do they really think God thinks they are that special? I don't. Ask that Jack Whittaker guy if the lottery was the blessing he said it was when he first won.
I just think God has more important shit to worry about, you know, and what on Earth would he think of me praying for material crap? He'd be up there rolling his "All Seeing Eye" and going,
"Yeah right, I've got a war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur AND it's hurricane season, and this stupid bitch wants a car?!"
I just think it's wrong.

Then, get THIS, the same fucking people belong to this church-thing, and the members sent out an e-mail and my husband gets one. The guy is going to buy a new motorcycle (he already has one) so I assume he has the trade-in and the means to get the new one, but they want to surprise him and come up with the money to pay for his new one.
God is Good. To certain people I guess. His wife already got a new car!
So my husband ran into someone else that was talking about what they were trying to do and my husband said he couldn't afford to donate to it, ("Greed". Gee, I could tell you what I ate for dessert just now and include "Gluttony", make the sign of the cross AMEN and be done with all of them) but anyway, the guy shunned him. Shamed him, even!

I say, fuck that, my husband is one of the most generous people you'd ever meet, generous to a fault, even. And it's not like the guy needed money for a life-saving operation or something. The whole thing just ticks me off! These people can float around on their little pink clouds and wish upon a star all they want, but I just can't do it.
However, the whole "God will bring me a car" thing reminded me about my friend and her using faith to combat computer viruses and I was less angry about it. I had to laugh.

It bother me sometimes, that I don't have faith like that. Faith is hard. It's a struggle.
I have to remember to be happy with the traits I do have -
Common sense. Practicality.
Sanity (most of the time.)
Aren't those good traits to possess?

Daily Prayer:
Today I was a Sloth. I know that's why I don't have a new car.

What do you think? About the crazy accusations?
Or about what I said about faith?

Get Over It

2007-09-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

So anyway...where was I before I was so RUDELY interrupted by people correcting my punctuation and giving me ~~psycho~~ psychic readings of my personality?

Just to make something clear, I am not generally what you would see as an angry person. I am very laid back and quiet. I am a "watch and learn" person. I am even what some people might consider a "wallflower". I don't like to draw attention to myself or cause a ruckus. I know how to use my "indoor voice" even when I'm outdoors or on my cell phone.
I don't like people knowin' my BUSINESS.
And if you piss me off, you may not even realize it. I can act cool as a cucumber for an extended period of time, as I also know this PISSES people off even more, when they are trying to get a reaction from me. But I'll be laying like a snake in the grass, waiting for the moment to strike.

But like I was saying, in general, no, I don't walk around all day angry and ready to snap at people for no reason. Some people have no idea how to do that. They are so wrapped up in themselves and how THEY see the world that they don't realize everyone else is just trying to get by in life, too.

You know what really pisses me off? People who think they can abuse people in the service industry, like minimum wage workers at McDonald's, Wal-Mart, the gas station. I mean really, remember where you're AT.
The stupid kid at McDonald's forgot to put the burger in your kid's Happy Meal? You got it at the drive-through and you didn't discover it till you got home? What do you expect? OPEN the fucking BAG before you drive away and give the order the once-over, double-check for your double-cheese, you dummy.

Or the waitress at a restaurant. You have to be able to distinguish between good service and shitty food. If the waitress is cheerful and efficient and doing her best, it's not her fault if the food is shitty, it's the kitchens fault; she didn't run back and cook the food, too.

The clerk at Wal-Mart doesn't smile brightly and give you a cheerful, "Hello"? THINK about it. How happy would YOU feel checking out inconsiderate, grumpy white-trash and listening to their screaming children all day?
And that blue vest? That fucking VEST? I'd throw up the second I buttoned that thing on in the morning, co-mingled with thoughts of committing suicide and/or absent-mindedly wondering, "How bad could living on the streets really be?"
Jesus, YOU should be giving THEM the sympathetic smile and politely asking how their day is going. Yeah, think about it.

No one has the RIGHT to go into someone's work place and make their day miserable. THEY are WORKING. That is punishment enough at some places. Why do some customers have to be such assholes? It's like, "Oh, they just make minimum wage, so they're stupid."
How stupid does it make YOU look for treating them badly?

I mean, I do believe a person should do their job to the best of their ability, they should TRY. The same goes for yourself, if you work at a shitty job, that doesn't mean because you're unhappy that you should make it Hell on Earth, especially for your co-workers. Nothing like taking 8 miserable hours out of the day and making it miserable for everyone around you, too. I believe we're all in the same shit-boat paddling up the same shit-creek, you can at least have a little camraderie with your fellow shit-shovelers and make it as enjoyable as possible.
But the same goes when you're on the other side of the counter. If you're a customer in someone's workplace, try to be one of those people that they are relieved didn't blow up at them, belittle them, give them a hard time. Be the one person that makes them say, "Boy, today at work sucked, but that one person sure was nice and understanding."

My husband has this fetish about filling up my car with gas. He usually takes my car and fills it up for me. (Don't hate! Yeah, I'm spoiled! When YOU are on your 4th fucking husband, YOU can pick and choose a good one like I did, OK?) But anyway, when you go to fill up a gas tank, it automatically clicks off, right? Well, my tank will take about 2 or 3 more gallons if you go back and manually hold the nozzle on. So my husband HAS to have it done that way. He usually goes to the same gas station down the street, but if they have a new attendant, he has to tell them the story -after it clicks off, he wants it topped off all the way, manually.
I'm sure this can be a pain in the ass when they're really busy and there are cars lining up, so instead filling or punching in the exact amount the person wants and walking away to help the next car, the attendant is expected to stand there and hold the nozzle and watch cars pile up, you know?

(I know some of you are confused right there - This is OREGON and we have gas station attendants who pump our gas FOR us. Yeah, we're spoiled. That's the way it's always been and I will gladly pay more per gallon to KEEP it that way. Actually that's a myth. Did you know our gas is actually cheaper than many places? I don't want to see ladies with babies and old people getting out of their car to pump gas!)

So anyway, at least every couple of months, this gas station gets a new attendant and my husband comes home screaming that "the dip-shit didn't top off the tank!" and he had to speak to the manager and the manager had to reprimand the new kid for not listening to one of the best customers and blah-blah-blah.
Good Lord, man, it's NOT that big of a deal!
And if we're on a trip in my car, and we have to go somewhere new? My husband will go through the whole spiel, "Fill it up, but when it clicks off, will you please top it off?" and if the attendant says, "Huh?" I just slink down in my seat and sigh, "Oh, here we fucking go again..."

Little things like that do not bother me.
Again, remember where you are.
If it's not the Four Seasons or Neiman Marcus, good GOD! Lower your expectations just a wee little bit, yes?

Daily Prayer:
Have a Nice Day.

How about you?
When you are a customer at a place of business, do you have little things that you expect to be done for you "just so"?
Do you get upset when it's not done to your expectations?

A Lesson I Learned Very Early In Life...

2007-09-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

Not everyone is as stupid as you are. There will always be someone smarter than you.

To assume you are smarter, know more, are "pulling one over" on someone, are more sneaky or devious, etc. can be a very dangerous assumption.

When people try to do that to me and think I'm too stupid to figure it out? I find that HIGHLY insulting.
Kind of relates to what I was talking about a couple posts ago, people who go on and on about being Christian so you'll automatically put your trust in them. That doesn't work for me, in fact, it does the opposite and puts me on guard.

Or people who blatantly just try to lie right to your face when you KNOW it isn't true. They ASSUME you are just as blind and ignorant as they themselves are. They'll tell you the grass is pink and the sky is brown and you should just go, "Oh, yes, I see." Or you follow a trail of muddy footprints across your carpet and they lead right to your husband's shoes and he'll try to say, "But I wiped my feet!"

Or someone like my "anonymous" commenter, "Mrs. C".
Her style was OBVIOUS in her "anonymous" comments on my blog, but she was too stupid to realize or even TRY to cover her tracks.
She left telltale imprints, but was too stupid to realize she was leaving a trail of breadcrumbs.
ALL her little abbreviations and words that are ALL exactly the same as what "another" person, "mex (aka Syb)" uses, words and phrases I have NEVER seen anywhere else but appear in the comments by "Mrs. C" (in the Sept. 9 post Blogger comments, below), the comments of "mex/Syb" and the BLOG of "mex/Syb", here - http://nmlb.blogspot.com, appropriately titled "No Moron Left Behind".
Apparently, "Moron" refers to herself.

A list of the evidence-
EVERY SINGLE abbreviation and unusual word that she/they (Mrs.C AND mex/aka Syb) is in the habit of using-
1. "mebbe" for maybe
2. "yr" for your
3. "yrself" for yourself
4. "usu" usually
5. "@" for "about"
6. "sry" for sorry
7. "thx" for thanks
8. signing off her comments with "Best,"
9. an unusual habit of putting "+" signs around words for emphasis
10. the M.O. of complimenting me on my blog and in the next breath, criticizing me.

Edit: The same style is also used by her FORMER internet name
"Sybil Lauderdale", which I would guess is her REAL name.

Pretty coincidental, eh?
She might as well have left her fingerprints or her image on videotape!
It was too fucking EASY for me to figure out!
But kind of fun, especially since she's now trying to deny it. Hah!

So you see Mrs.C, mex, Syb, Sybil Lauderdale, of Hilton Head Island, South Carolina,
YOU ARE NOT as ANONYMOUS as you THOUGHT, when you started off with your little game of trying to FUCK with me.
Idiot.

(I even have a photo of you now, but I don't want to horrify my readers. In fact, I have your address and phone number and hey! Your husband has the same name as MY husband! Only, my husband is better looking even though he's a year older and that must also make him MUCH smarter, because he married a young, SMART woman like ME.)

Like I said, AS IF I am as stupid as SHE is.
Pathetic.

Daily Prayer:
Why?

Does it bother you when people try to assume you are as stupid as they are?
What do you do about it?

Analyze THIS

2007-09-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Mrs. C, also logged in as "Anonymous" said...
(You can see the original version in the post below under the Blogger Comments.)

"I do read yr blog periodically. I think you are llikely young, oh, mebbe 30s.. and deeply angry. I would further guess yr a drinker. And.. prolly will be so GPO'd (generally pissed off) that you will berate my observations. There are open meetings at A/A. You don't have to have ever even touched a drink to attend. You will discover a lot @ yrself if you dare. You can weave words-or I wouldn't read- but yr miserable inside- even if you don't/won't admit it. One day you will put yr talents to a better use cuz eventually the negativity will bring you down lower than you can stand. Bipolar doesn't have to be medicated.. I also recently learned something that helped me.. I had/have too many of the same characteristics as you.. Before you say a word.. ask yrself 3 questions

1. does this need to be said
2. does this need to be said now
3. does this need to be said now by me

Hope you have the guts to leave this comment. One day you might go back and read it and start upon a spiritual journey. It is amazing.. I wish for myself that I had begun my journey years ago- at yr age

Best,
Mrs. C"

Oh Goody! I'm getting FREE therapy! Thank you so much for telling me ALL about myself and taking the time to correct me! I'm just gonna close this blog and make an appointment with a psychiatrist (after my AA meeting, of course) and keep my naughty little mouth shut so everyone else in the world can continue on in the illusion that they themselves are PERFECT and it's the people like ME who need help!
Hah!
Fuck 'dat.

Let's break this down, shall we?
Mrs. C's statements will be shown in red, I shall be black. Black as my soul, mwa-ha-ha-ha!

"I do read yr blog periodically. "
MEEP! Problem number one!
In order to the glean the tiniest bit of information about me and to jump to your conclusion of who I am, you should have read my entire blog, at least THREE times. A good analyst would delve into every aspect of her case's background. If you had read me on a regular basis, I'm sure you wouldn't have even bothered to make your stupid comment.
I was going to point out some posts to you that were relevant to your so-called analysis of my personality, but then I thought, "FUCK YOU. If you had actually read more than a few posts, you would have never made that asinine comment in the FIRST PLACE."
I have better things to do than lead an illiterate by the hand. Click "the Archives" and go look at my posts and be prepared to feel like a fool.
Think I don't know myself... shit! That's funny!

"I think you are llikely young,"
Ooo! Thank you! Compliments!
I think you are likely DUMB, so what are we now? 1 for 1?
"oh, mebbe 30s.."
Oh gee, you're fucking clairvoyant now? That's a pretty large and random definition of "young", oh my, there are hardly ANY 30-something women in the country, wow! I'm impressed! And what the fuck is "mebbe"? I haven't seen that in print since I read "Mandingo", a tale of the African slave trade.

"...and deeply angry".
Oh what's your first clue? My blog title, perhaps? Or the description of what my blog is about? Gee, thanks for filling me in on the subliminal message I seem to be giving out.

"I would further guess yr a drinker."
"Yr"? Year? Oh y-o-u a-r-e? I see. Nope, haven't drank in 11 yrs, uh, y-e-a-r-s.
While we're making guesses, how about you? I'm bettin' y-o-u a-r-e drunk right now.

"And.. prolly will be so GPO'd (generally pissed off) that you will berate my observations."
No, I will berate that you think I'm young, yet you use the word "prolly" like a 13 year-old. Pissed off? Nope, quite amused at your stupidity. Giggling, in fact!

"There are open meetings at A/A. You don't have to have ever even touched a drink to attend. You will discover a lot @ yrself if you dare."
Ha-ha, fucking HAHA!
Telling ME all about A.A.! Apparently, YOU are new to A.A. but even so, you should know, first and foremost, the Serenity Prayer-

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference

See, YOU cannot change ME. You CAN change YOURSELF. You have not acquired the Wisdom to realize what the Hell that prayer means.
Also, you are in serious violation of Step 4. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
KEYWORD being "ourselves". YOU are not allowed to take MY INVENTORY, as you have done with your comment. Worry about YOUR OWN salvation.

"You can weave words-or I wouldn't read- but yr miserable inside- even if you don't/won't admit it. One day you will put yr talents to a better use cuz eventually the negativity will bring you down lower than you can stand."
I ain't "weaving", I am typing, blogging, and venting. I am NOT a WRITER. I do all kinds of art, design web pages, I even sew. I have many outlets for my "talents", but this blog is NOT to showcase my talents - I have a blog to vent, talk to other people and make friends, and occasionally have fun-poking at idiots like you.
Usually I'm pretty damn happy, even in the face of adversity that would reduce many people to a blathering mess. People LIKE YOU make me miserable, that's for sure. Why don't you mind your OWN fucking business and quit trying to mold the world to your own likeness? I HATE people like you.

"Bipolar doesn't have to be medicated.."
Too bad we can't medicate stupidity and make you all better.
I'm not sure what that statement means or if it was directed at me. I'll take the bait, though. I've been medicated for mental illness. I quit taking the meds because I can do OK without them, through proper rest, diet, and coping skills that I have worked hard to develop!
(I am not knocking people who take meds, different people have different needs. Do not discontinue taking your medicine without first consulting a medical professional.)
I HATE the way meds take away my spark, my personality and rob me of WHO I AM. I spent a lot of time learning who I am and I like myself, I am happy with myself.
If you don't fucking like me, then go away!
It doesn't matter to me one bit!
What the fuck is wrong with YOU that you are so wrapped up in telling me what you think is wrong with me? YOU are the one that has the issues.

"I also recently learned something that helped me.. I had/have too many of the same characteristics as you.. Before you say a word.. ask yrself 3 questions
1. does this need to be said
2. does this need to be said now
3. does this need to be said now by me"
Do you mean some of the outrageous stuff I say? Think before you speak and all that?
First of all, I'm not walking down the street broadcasting on a loud-speaker, or renting commercial television time. This is a BLOG. But, yes. Many times I am in situations and something DOES need to be said, and I'm the one to do it. I don't like bull-shit or pussy-footing around and I WILL call it as I see it.

"Hope you have the guts to leave this comment."
MEEP! As we started off on the wrong foot with your first sentence; if you had really READ my blog on a regular basis, you would KNOW I have the guts and I never delete comments. YOU are a fine one to be talking about GUTS, "Mrs. C anonymous I do not leave contact or e-mail information."
YOU are the fucking chicken-shit hypocrite!

"One day you might go back and read it and start upon a spiritual journey. It is amazing.. I wish for myself that I had begun my journey years ago- at yr age"
Again, you only read my blog periodically. You haven't noticed the subtle hints to A.A., God, and spirituality by the way I end almost EVERY POST with "Daily Prayer"??? (although yes, I admit I often do it in a sarcastic or joking manner, because that is part of MY personal sense of humor, you should really look into getting one of those too, by the way.)

Mrs. C, you really are fucking dense, aren't you?
Again, assuming.
Even if you HAD read my whole blog, it is not a verbatim, detailed insight to EVERYTHING about me; who I am or what I do or exactly how I think or every detail about my life. You will notice I don't talk much about my family, especially my children. My relationship with them is PERSONAL to me, as is my spiritual journey.
It is something I omit from here, but please, do TELL me, ENLIGHTEN poor pitiful, young, drunk me, as you have told me everything else about myself-
what should my spiritual journey be?

Daily Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference between intelligent people and idiots like Mrs. C.

What do you think? Does Mrs. C know me? Does she have a point? Should I change my evil ways?

There Goes the Neighborhood

2007-09-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

It seems all of our rentals have moved out at once. I swear to God, the average length of a renter is about 9 months, so you have to repair, haul garbage, re-do the lawn, clean, paint, and advertise all over again.
It's a pain in the ass!

And I only manage them, I don't own them. I would never own a rental. I get pissed off enough at people that leave a place a mess and it's not even mine! And I get paid extra for any work I do beyond taking rent checks and depositing them. It can lead to lots of extra money, but it STILL pisses me off! I hate cleaning up after slobs. In fact, I hired other people to do it this time, with four houses to get ready in one month, I only did one, fuck it, I don't care! And this was the "cleanest" house and it was still left very dirty. What the fuck is wrong with people?! Grab a fucking rag and some cleanser! Wipe that shit down and you wouldn't need to spend entire days scrubbing. Not that "you" scrub, anyway. "I" scrub, because no one seems to know how to fucking WIPE something off now and then!
You wonder why rents are so high? You wonder why you have to pay 1st, last and deposit? Because people are fucking PIGS that will trash a place and then leave it in 9 months, that's why!

So, now that we've lived in the area for 4 years and my husband being Mr. Socialite and all, we haven't even had to advertise. We've moved his biker friends into three of the houses with another one tentatively scheduled to take the fourth one next month. We're gonna turn the subdivision into Biker Acres.
I must say, it's going pretty well, and except for the two strippers having a cat-fight in the middle of the street at 2:00 a.m. one morning, they've been fitting in to our family neighborhood just fine.
(I wasn't awakened by the stripper-fight, it was a couple blocks over, or else I'd be pissed, and at least one of the guys manned-up and came to my house the next day to tell me about it - the girls had left to walk home, apparently, so when they got in the fight, it was probably not known that they were connected to any house in the neighborhood. Hopefully, the person who screamed at them "I'm calling the cops!" probably thought they were just some random, yet buxom, passers-by.)
The guys apologized and said they wouldn't let it happen again, and my husband said,
"Well, if it does, be sure to get it on videotape!"

I'd rather rent to someone who tells me what they are, right up front. In fact, I'd rather be friends with someone like that, too. You know? We get people that come off like, they're so clean, and they love to garden and mow the lawn, and they have kids so they're all family oriented and they go to church on Sunday. Then it turns out they're disgusting slobs who shouldn't even HAVE children in the filthy condition they keep their house and they don't mow the lawn because it might reveal all their cigarette butts and beer cans and as for the church-goers? I'm instantly leery when that's the one of the first things someone mentions. And it doesn't intimidate me either. I grew UP in church AND Catholic school. Ya'll mother-fucking church-goers can go to church every Sunday and Wednesday evening for the rest of your LIVES and not have spent as much time in church as I did before I reached adulthood. Don't try to impress ME by telling me you go to church.

I had this one lady call me from Arizona who was looking to move up here and her pastor was going to come look at the rental house for her and blah-blah-blah, I don't fucking care! She went on and on about her church and her pastor and how wonderful she was, ugh! It turns out after the pastor looked at the house and said the lady would probably want it, he was trying to get me to wave the deposits, he said he would vouch for her character and blah-blah-blah. NO!
Is Jesus gonna clean the carpets and paint after her saintly, filthy, white-trash ass moves out and leaves the place a mess? Is a choir of angels gonna swing low with their chariot and remove the plague of rats and maggots crawling over the garbage in the back yard? I doubt it. I don't have faith like that. This is my JOB, not the Lord's work. I don't wanna hear the talk, I want to see you Walk the Walk.

Come to think of it, I've met more fucked up people at church than I've met at Biker runs or parties or bars, for that matter. I think a lot of people at church are desperately searching for something, but they don't know what it is, or they want what the person next to them has, but they don't know how to achieve it. Or they put on a nice front, so you're surprised at the dirty little secrets that lie beneath.
They can't decide who they want to be, and worse, they don't even know who they are.

Speaking of wanna-be's... the guy that lives next door to one of the Bikers gets along with them just fine, because he wants to BE them. He has a nice little yard and a nice wife and family, but whenever he gets a few beers in him, he comes down the street and starts yakkin' at my husband and wanting to talk about what motorcycle he should get, cuz he's getting one. He's been "getting one" for 4 years now, since we moved in here. He said he was about to get one, but he got a hot tub instead.
Ha-ha-ha! You can't DRIVE a hot tub, fool!
In fact, you can't leave the house in a hot tub. You can't feel the wind in your face (well actually, you can; it's pretty breezy around here, especially in winter when it's also 5 degrees out, you could be an instant popcicle by the time you got out of the hot tub and back into the house, therefore, I don't understand the attraction.)
So yeah, he was telling the Biker guys about how cool it is that they live next door now cuz he loves motorcycles. But his dream has yet agian been thwarted because he had to take out a LOAN to FIX his piece o' shit hot tub, you know, which was supposedly the reason he didn't get a bike in the first place!
OK, so you're saying, "Motorcycle in one hand, hot tub in the other... motorcycle... hot tub... motorcycle... hot tub..." and now you need to fix the stupid hot tub!
Ha-ha-ha! Loser!
Whatever.
I'd be fucking HOMELESS before I'd give up my motorcycle.
Punk.

Daily Prayer:
"Oh Lord, won't ya buy me
a Mercedes Benz...?"

Who would you rather have for a neighbor?
The Bikers or the Church People?

To the Stupid White Trash Neighbor -

2007-09-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Cunt or Ho'- bag:

You have not lived here long, but from what I knew, you were pleasant enough; you drive a nice car, keep your yard nice and most importantly, keep your kids inside your yard.
However, it has come to my attention, due to the fact that you have no volume control on your voice, and apparently can't be concerned about the hour of the night, I am now "privy" to much more information than I ever wanted or needed to know about you.
Why wasn't I minding my own business, you may ask? I WAS minding my business, the business of SLEEPING, which most people are trying to do at 11:30 p.m. at NIGHT.

I'm sorry that two of your four children have ADHD. Maybe part of the lack of concentration is due to lack of SLEEP. Children need lots of sleep and when you are standing outside your children's bedroom window talking in a tone of voice where I can plainly hear EVERY WORD you say, FOUR houses away, I would bet that even if he was asleep, he was not sleeping soundly.
Also, maybe part of his inability to concentrate stems from family turmoil. When you are saying that the children's father is a loser who will NOT get to see his kids when he gets out of jail, that is probably not the most appropriate subject for children to overhear, never mind the fact that you are broadcasting this information to half the neighborhood. Children are intelligent and sensitive. They become upset when their family has problems and they naturally seem to know that these problems do not need to be broadcast to everyone within earshot. They are upset enough, they don't need to be embarrassed, too.

Speaking of losers...how come all these idiots I hear of, like you, have their parents give them money for the down payment for a house? I can't believe how often I see (HEAR) this happen. Of course, I would guess it is because they don't want to see their grandchildren living in the streets and also because the LAST thing these parents want is their grown children and grandchildren ALL coming to live with them. No, I guess it does make sense.
And that way, with decent housing, you can attract a new (homeless) man to come and live with you, just like the new guy you are currently shacked up with. I guess you need him to pay the bills, though, because you're a "Stay At Home Mom". God forbid you get a job, you need to take care of all those children and stay up half the night gossiping with your neighbors. I suppose when the kids go off to school in the morning, you can take a little nap, unlike almost everyone else in the neighborhood, who have to get up at 6:00 a.m. and get ready to go to WORK for 8 hours. You know, that's what people usually have to do to buy a house and stuff.

So, thanks for regaling me with your life story, "Tales of an Ass-Hat", it does give me some amusement even in the sleep deprived state that I am in today, and thanks for warning me that your felon ex-husband might come trolling around the neighborhood looking for you. I may just call 9-1-1, too, as you instructed your neighbor lady to do - AFTER I get the satisfaction of watching him beat the SHIT out of you, so I don't have to.

Daily Prayer:
Zzzzz...dammit, shut UP!
Go to bed!

Do you think lack of sleep could cause ADHD?

He's a Ramblin' Man

2007-08-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

My husband has invited people to stay the night. Again.
You all know how I love company staying in my home and cleaning for them and cooking and having pajama parties.
WTF? PEOPLE!

I've said it before, if you can afford the time off work and you can afford to travel, you can afford a fucking MOTEL!
I do NOT have a guest house, therefore, I do NOT have ROOM. Oh, I have "a room", I just do not have "personal space". I love having friends come to visit, but I resent having my house invaded. (Unless it's my best friend of course, but she's like my sister, you know, that's different.)

Maybe I can talk them into taking my husband with them when they leave. I love having the house to myself. I have no problem staying alone and I have no problem with my husband going off and doing his own thing and having fun. You know those couples that have to "ask" to spend time apart and then it's a big fight or a bartering system?
"You can go if you leave me shopping money."
"You can go if you arrange for a babysitter so I can go out, too."
"You can go if you clean the house, mow the lawn, change the oil in the car and build the second edition onto the family room."
Or the just plain, old,
"No! You're not going anywhere this weekend!"

Ugh. I HATE those couples. It's like,
"Stay here with me so I can nag at you 24/7 and make your life miserable."
Fuck that. I have never been that way. I can entertain myself. My man wants to go somewhere, all's I say is,
"When are you leaving? Here, I'll pack your bag! Have a good time!"
And I mean it.
He wants to go to the tittie-bar and see naked, dancing girls? I say, not my thing, but have at it. Well, not it, but you know, he can look. I appreciate a girl who can snake herself around a pole and slide upside down and not bonk her head and land gracefully on a 4-inch stilletto. Dang, how they do that?
Sometimes I get jealous, not about naked, dancing girls, though.

Like a few weeks ago, my husband got paid to go pick up a motorcycle in San Francisco. I LOVE San Francisco and would have liked to have gone, but it was sort of spur of the moment and it wasn't the kind of bike for me to be comfortable riding on the back, anyway, so it just wasn't in the plan. It did give me two days to myself though, so that was cool. My husband was all excited about the plane ride, he hadn't been on a plane in almost 10 years, so he was pretty jazzed about that. Also, his family is in the Bay Area, so he planned to make a few checks on the Looney-toons, which was another reason I was perfectly happy to stay at home.

He got a shuttle to the airport, which is only two miles away, but he didn't dare ask me to drive him there at 7 in the morning. He's considerate like that and I'm selfish. (This is how you maintain a good relationship. Compromise. I say "how it goes" and he compromises.)

He also knows not to call me before a certain hour, but then when he's gone, he calls me more than when he's actually here. It's kind of annoying, but it's good to know he's OK, especially when he's off somewhere on his motorcycle by himself, you know, I could tell the Highway Patrol which ditch to look in if he disappeared. So he called me about 8:30 just before his flight left and said to go outside and wave. Then he called me an hour or so later when he got to Portland. He was SO excited! Like a little kid, he said,
"If you would have went outside and waved I would have seen you! We flew right over our HOUSE! I could see the baby's swing-set in the YARD!"

I laughed my butt off. Remember that "Simpson's" episode where, well now I can't remember, I was thinking it was Homer, but know I'm thinking it was Flander's? Got launched in something, a trebuchet? A cannon? Or...crap, I can't remember! But he went flying off that mountain that overlooks Springfield and was screaming, "Ahhh! Ahhh!" and as he flys off over the horizon and his screams fade away, he's saying,
"I can see my HOUSE...!"
OMG, it reminded me of that. The dork.

So, the jealousy part, that's what I was coming to. My husband called me again before his flight left Portland and then it was a while before he would get to San Francisco and call me, so eventually I went to the store. I had just got inside the store when he called. Oh good, he made it, plane didn't crash. He says,
"Guess where I am?" I said,
"Duh...San Francisco?" He said,
"Yeah! But I'm in the back of a LIMO! They sent a car to pick me up from the airport! Dude was standing there with a little sign with my name on it and EVERYTHING! He called me 'Sir'!"
I said, "You BITCH!"
A lady looking at the tomatoes jumped and I realized I was exhibiting improper cell phone etiquette. It's the fucking grocery store, who cares? Get over it lady. But I turned so she could see I had my phone to my ear and quickly walked away to a deserted part of the aisle.
"A fucking LIMO?!"
"Yeah," he snickered, "I'm drinking an ice cold soda and trying to find a good radio station. Ooo! Cheese and crackers!" Crunch, crunch...
Homer Simpson again.

So, OK. At that moment, I was a little jealous.
"I wish you were here, honey! Next time, you gotta come with me. I'll call you from Golden Gate Park!"

*sigh*

I hung up and when I got home, I looked around at my nice clean house with no socks laying on the couch (he takes off his socks and puts them on the COUCH, the COUCH! The floor is bad enough, but the COUCH?!) and no little piles of paper here and there and everywhere and I had the satisfied feeling that there was no pee on the toilet rim, because I had cleaned that earlier, and I didn't mind.
It's nice to have a break.

Daily Prayer:
I can see my HOUSE...!
And it's clean!

Do you get upset when your significant other goes somewhere without you?

She Loves Me...

2007-08-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

SudieGirl, what is SO fucking interesting? Huh? You just can't tear yourself away, can you?

My regular readers and lurkers don't visit me this much! And I don't even post every day.
WHY are you so fascinated, Sudie? Pray tell.

Freak.

More On Eating Out

2007-08-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

If you read my last post, like I said, really, the smokers and drinkers and druggies cooking your food are the least of your worries. In the kitchen, no matter what, we still consider ourselves consummate professionals. As hungover or coked out or strung out, as the case may be, we still observe certain standards, the first and foremost and simplest being WASH YOUR HANDS. Duh.

And, we have great respect for the food, whether it's a box of vegetables, or fresh seafood or mayonnaise which must be always be kept at below a certain temperature, we always observe strict food handling rules. We don't want to poison anyone. It's bad for business. Besides the fact that our food represents our livelihood, it also represents our art, our pride - ourselves.

The fucking wait staff, though, I swear, they have no respect for what cooks do. More plates slammed down on a table means more tips for them, they could care less about our food that brought them those damn tips in the first place. I'm talking about fine dining, not slop sloshed into a pig trough. If a waiter has no respect for food, then he or she should go sling eggs at Denny's, or something.

I was never so pissed as the time I caught a waitress and a busboy having sex in the walk-in. Oh, they didn't know I caught them. After work one night, a bunch of us cooks were out on the back balcony having ~~free stolen from the walk-in~~ beers and we ran out, so I snuck back into the kitchen to replenish our drinks from the back-up stash in the walk-in and holy guacamole! There was some cookin' going on right there in the cooler. Gross! Right in close proximity to my tender Cornish game hens! They were in danger of getting a secret ingredient, some extra sauce, if ya know what I mean.

The culinary couplers were both facing away from me, doing the doggy-style and in my horror, I slammed the door shut as quick as I had opened it. I stood there a minute and didn't know what to do. I couldn't figure out if I was more disgusted at them for having sex near the food, or pissed off now that now I had to go out to the bar and actually order more drinks AND pay for them. It was early and I was just gettin' my buzz on.

So I walked out to the end of the bar, (which was just outside that end of the kitchen, the walk-in door and wait station separated the kitchen from the bar area.)
I ordered the same bottled beer that everyone had been enjoying ~~for free~~. The bartender slid open the lid on the cold table and dang, she was out.
"I just have to grab some more out of the walk-in," she said as she slipped past me.
"Uh, uh..." I stammered.
Bless her, she was one of the sweethearts of the entire place, not a mis-fit party animal like the rest of us. But I wanted my beer, and the rest of the gang was waiting and "Eeeeeee!!!"
A scream and a squeal and a "What the?" echoed from the doorway to the kitchen where the bartender had apparently caused a coitus interruptus.
And I laughed-us.
She came running back completely red-faced and flustered and then I kind of felt bad. I asked what had happened and she whispered the sordid tale to me. I feigned shock and displeasure. Actually, I WAS still kind of shocked and displeased at them, fucking in front of my dear little birds. Ick.

I went back to the kitchen staff on the back porch and, of course, told them everything and we laughed and we laughed. And I said how they should have seen the poor bartender's face, she was mortified! And they laughed some more because we all knew, of all people to catch someone in the act, she was the prissiest person, but a sweetheart like I said. But that just made it all the funnier!

So the next day, the bartender told the owner and he gave the culprits a talking to and the busboy quit and the waitress was crying and embarrassed and when we asked her what was wrong, she said,
"Oh, I got in trouble, my tickets and my drawer didn't balance out."
And the broiler cook whispered to the other cooks,
"No, her drawers were missing."
OMG! We laughed some more.
Then two of the cooks went in the walk-in to grab some food but before the door shut all the way, they started screaming, "Oh! OH!" and making other such sexual noises.
So we were having a pretty good time all night, poking fun at the poking episode.

Then evil-old me had an idea to cap off the festivities. I knew at the end of the night, the waitress would have to go in the walk-in and get the condiments to refill everything to restock the waitress station. So, on that shelf, I arranged one of my Cornish game hens straddled over a creamer cup, with an Italian pork sausage rammed into its cavity.
I showed the other cooks and we all were rolling on the walk-in floor, we were laughing so hard. One of the cooks thought maybe she wouldn't get it, so he fashioned little signs out of scrap paper and toothpicks and stuck them in each one, with the waitress being the game hen and the busboy's name pinned onto the sausage, and little bubbles saying, um, I can't remember, "Give me that wiener, baby!" or something like that.

Well... towards the end of her shift, the waitress finally went into the walk-in while we held our breaths and stifled our giggles. She came out 5 seconds later, grabbed her purse from the shelf, and ran down the stairs and out of the restaurant.
We never saw her again.

Meh, you can't hack it in the restaurant biz if you don't have a sense of humor. You can't be deadly serious when you play with food all day long.

Daily Prayer:
That was mean.
And funny! Damn, that was funny.

Would you be bothered by people having sex near your food?

Smokin' Good Times

2007-08-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've seen a few posts lately where people are grossed out by food service workers.
And I laugh!
And I laugh and I laugh.

Like Howie on this season's Top Chef sweating into the food. I believe this has also happened on Hell's Kitchen, there's always some large guy with sweat rolling off his face and into the food.
Ew! you say? It happens all the time.
A cook can't stand in a kitchen, in the summer at the height of dinner service, surrounded by ovens, grills, broilers and fryers all going at once and thereby bringing the mean air temperature of even the most well air-conditioned kitchen to at least 95 degrees, while working at breakneck speed to serve 200 plates in two hours and not break a sweat.
In the kitchen it's called, "The Chef's Special Seasoning", ha-ha.

And I read somewhere else where people are completely grossed out at the thought of a smoker serving their food.
"Smokers should be banned from the industry!"
Hah! Ya better get over that one right now!
And "They better wash their hands!"
Seriously WTF?
EVERYONE should wash their hands and I'm not just talking about food service workers. People are disgusting, in general. Someone who handles your food and happens to be a smoker is the LEAST of your worries.

Cooking is not only a high stress job, people who make a life out of cooking are some of the most motley crew you will ever run across. Oh, I'm sure there are non-smoking, drug-free staff at your crappy, big-chain, corporate owned restaurants, the kind of large companies that can afford to drug test all the employees who are willing to work in a strictly run and therefore strictly non-creative environment, where the only use for a knife is to open cardboard boxes of frozen food shipped from the company warehouse.

But the little exclusive, privately owned restaurant that is praised for its epicurean delights will probably have some of the most vile creatures inhabiting its inner bowels of the kitchen. Sure the decor is beautiful, the tablecloths fresh and crisp, the wait staff impeccable, the food is out of this world.
The kitchen staff is from that "outer world".
Drinkers, smokers, drug addicts, all may apply. The nicer the restaurant, the better the food, probably is commensurate with how wacky the kitchen staff is. The bottom line is not if you're "clean", inside or out, it's how talented you are. Sort of like rock stars. Being able to consistently put out a brilliant performance every night and get up the next day and do it all over again. Yes, a good chef is like a rock star.

And we partied like rock stars.
Even the owner, and he was an OLD dude. At least, I thought he was old at the time; he was bout 50 and I was 25, so I thought he was ancient! But a very cool ancient.
He would come in around lunch time and maintain until a certain point of the dinner hour. He usually played the gracious host and sat people during the dinner rush between 6:00 to 8:00, but after that, he was all about relaxing.

I usually worked the day shift and partied after work was done, but I worked a few nights, too. One evening as I was cleaning up and putting stuff away, the boss came back and asked if he could get me something. I said,
"No thanks, I'm almost done. I can't wait to get out here and have my shift drink."
He left and came back with a "to go" cup and plopped it down in front of me. My Margarita with, oh, it must have been a TRIPLE shot of tequila. Yum...

Another night, I kept seeing the boss go into his office, which was near the back corner of the kitchen. I was thinking,
"Gee, even with a Chef to manage his kitchen, he's a busy man!"
I imagined him in there doing paperwork or making phone calls or something. Until I walked over to the dry storage that was next to his office and he came walking out at the same time, enveloped in a cloud of marijuana smoke. I sniffed and my eyes glazed over. He giggled at me.
"You want a hit, hon? Get you through the rush?"
I said no. I had tried working stoned once and it doesn't go well with sharp knives and boiling pots everywhere. Best to hold off until my shift was over.
"Well, when it slows down, go in there and get you a toke; it's in the bottom right-hand drawer of my desk." And he slunk off to his "station" at the end of the bar.

You didn't need to sneak into the boss's office to smoke pot. The walk-in was a much better place, sealed tight but with all the fans blowing. Well, there was no vent, but it dissipated the smoke much better and no one could hear you if you took too big of a toke coughed your lung up. We used to take a vegetable of some sort, usually a small cucumber and bore a hole into it and carve a little bowl in the end. Then you fit a small piece of tin foil into the bowl and poke tiny holes into it, and there's your organic pipe! Cool as a cucumber.

One day after working the day shift, I went out to sit at the end of the bar to have my shift drink and chat with the bartender. The restaurant was empty and she had just come on shift so she was tidying up the bar and restocking from the shelves in the liquor room, a sort of big walk-in closet at the end of the bar. As she came down off the step stool, she had a picture frame in her hand.
"Hmmm, what's this?"
It had the restaurant license and liquor license in it and it usually sat back by the cash register.
"Funny, what's that doing up there?"
She set it down on the bar in front of me and went back up on the stool to grab more bottles.
Well, I could see from my angle that there was a sort of dusty residue on the glass of the picture frame and the residue seemed to be aligned in rather neat, straight, vertical lines. Just then some customers came walking in so the bartender hopped down and started towards the other end of the bar. I pushed the picture frame towards her and whispered,
"You might want to dust this off real quick, too."
She looked down, her eyes got big and she swooped up the frame and wiped it with her bar rag and set it down by the cash register on her way to help the new customers. Bright and efficient girl, that one.

I didn't tell her that in the kitchen, we blew coke off the marble pastry board and cleaned it off with a bleach rag when we were done.
Destroy the evidence. Duh.

Man, working nights was fun!

Daily Prayer:
God, I'm glad I don't do that anymore.
But is was fun.

Do you have any qualms about going out to eat?

That's Phat

2007-08-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Just when I was thoroughly sick of reality shows, now they're adding more reality "Fat" shows?
Isn't it sort of defeating the purpose of weight loss? To have T.V. shows about it, when that is probably one of the contributing factors to people being overweight, sitting on their fat asses watching T.V.?

"Biggest Loser"-
Who's the loser here? YOU are sitting on your ASS watching people lose weight.

"Celebrity Fit Club"-
A rich celebrity can afford to pay a personal trainer, so how did they get so damn fat? I have no sympathy. I could relieve them of some of their food money.

"Fat March"-
March! March! hup two! March!
Get your fat self moving! March!
They are going to walk 500 miles along the side of the road from Boston to D.C. Will they have to wear one of those big yellow signs that says "Wide Load"? Isn't that dangerous, having a group of people walking along busy roads? I mean, if one of them gets hit by a car, that could seriously damage the car.
How DO you get fat people in "shape" to suddenly take off on a 500 mile march? I picture a couple of heart attacks on this one.

"Shaq's Big Challenge"-
Shaquille O'Neal helps fat kids to lose weight. Now how is this fair? The man is like, EIGHT FEET TALL. If you're taller, you're not as fat. What's he gonna do, stretch them?

What is next in "Fat" reality shows?-

"Survivor, Fat Island"-
Now, fat people could definitely go 30 days without much food. Fat people might be better suited to just this type of show.

"The Fat Apprentice"-
Donald Trump would NEVER hire a fat apprentice, I can just hear him now;
"You're smart, you have an excellent education, but you're too fat! Do you expect to run my multi-million dollar company looking like a big fat slob? You're fired!"

"Fat American Idol"-
Fat people are usually really good singers.

"So You Think You Can Dance? Huh, Fat Ass?"-
On the other hand, fat people are not usually good dancers, and if they are, we still don't want to see it.

Daily Prayer:
Geez, no wonder everyone wants a raise in their food stamps.

What do you think of Fat Americans?

You Ain't Seen Nothin'

2007-08-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not pissed off about certain Social Services, not at all, I was mainly just irritated with that one person.

I'll tell you what really pisses me off - WELFARE MOMS.
I don't mean someone who has hit a bump in the road, lost a job or worse. Someone who needs a little helping hand. I'm not opposed to that. Perhaps she's getting away from a bad situation, an abusive husband, leaving a crime-ridden area, even. I understand those things, I've been there.

But welfare is supposed to be temporary help for an emergency situation, not an ongoing lifestyle. I almost had sympathy for someone on welfare, working AND going to school to get themselves out of this situation, until I found out they had been on welfare for 10 years. TEN. Years. That is not called "getting on your feet", it is called "sitting on your ass"! If you can pay for school, go to school and spend hours studying for school, that's all time that could be spent working. Don't expect the taxpayer to support your kids because you did everything in the wrong order.

I mean, sure it makes sense to educate people, but at what cost and for what amount of time? I don't even know WHICH state it is that allows welfare benefits to students, but we should all keep our eyes peeled and apply to University in that state and line up for our free money and just go to school for the rest of our lives. I know it wasn't allowed in my state, but I think we were one of the first to enact welfare reform laws.

Now, someone who's poor can apply for Pell grants and go to college. Pell grants don't have to be paid back. Once you're in college, you can get student loans. Student loans DO have to be paid back, but so what, support your own damn college education at least a little bit, OK? Once you get the student loans, voilà! Money and education solved! A little part-time job and there's as much as a full time job would bring in.

I just don't understand what's going on that qualifies someone to receive those myriad of benefits. I'm confused. I just had no idea there are STILL states in our fine union that will give you that much support so you can continue to pursue your life's dreams when you already HAD a dream and spread your legs and made babies. So when that dream went to SHIT and Jimmy left you, or Steven beat you, so you're gonna go off and cry over your POOR self for the next 18 years until your kid grows up, I guess the rest of the world owes you a living.
Is that it?
Because then the damn world owes me a MANSION.
Where the FUCK is my MANSION?! Dammit!

Just what are welfare moms waiting for? Waiting until their kid turns 18 and then the KID can get a job and support his welfare mom's lazy ass? Is that the plan?
Huh?
Wake up!

Daily Prayer:
Give us this day...everything.
Give it!

Are you irritated by the welfare system?

Go Eat a Red Herring

2007-08-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am not putting down people on SSDI or anyone who's poor for whatever reason. Especially people who are sick or disabled. Or old. Or children. These are people who deserve help and many of them HAVE paid into our country's insurance system and they have every right to that money.

(Except maybe welfare bums. People who pump out children and then use welfare to maintain a lifestyle, instead of EMERGENCY situations such as being between jobs or whatever. SHORT periods of time while they get on their feet. But that's a whole other can o' worms there. Let's discuss that next, shall we?)

As Crys so rationally pointed out "knowing the intricacies of SSDI is a red herring at this point."

My point was, the have not's who SCREAM "I have not!" all day long and act as if
a) NOBODY has it as rough as she does
b) NOBODY has EVER been as poor as she is and have NO idea what it's like
c) Anyone with more than she has is selfish, doesn't care and does NOT give to any charity, EVER ("of course they don't!")

She blabs this crap to the Internuts all day long. Somebody with a roof over their head and a computer in front of their nose is doing a Hell of a lot better than some people, I would think. Ever stop for a moment to think of that?
Speaking of...which is it, Margalit?
"I am on SSDI... I’m permanently disaabled"
followed a couple paragraphs later by "Now, on to the internet. My EMPLOYER pays for it. I blog FOR A LIVING."
Gee, Margalit, I'm confused. As I am by almost everything that you bitch about. One minute you're desperately unfortunate and unable to work at all, and in the next paragraph, you are so capable, you work for yourself from home.

And as I hear many people say, "many cannot afford to live on it, (SSDI) especially in expensive parts of the country".
You know what? I've been in that situation, too. You know what I did? I MOVED. Fancy that! As a free American, I can roam around the 50 States unhindered. Even now, (although I'm RICH, you know) I can't afford to live in an area where the average rent is $1800 a month. So you know what?
I live somewhere else.
Just as I've done all my life, I make allowances and cut corners to have the things I need, and hopefully, things I want.

And also "especially with high cost of medical care and insurance."
Now there, I totally agree! I'm all for a National Health Care system which I think would cut costs for everyone. After I pay for my health care, I probably have less cash flow than a "poor" person.

The thing is, like I said in the comments, the way I look at it is -
you fucking DO what you HAVE to DO. The other thing is, like I originally said to what's-her-name and she called me a troll, "We could ALL complain about others having more than ourselves."

I guess part of the difference here is that some people are more resilient, but besides that, some people, no matter how bad their financial situation is, they have class. They have their pride.
You can't buy that.

Daily Prayer:
No Whiners.

Tell me what someone else has that you don't get to have.
Pout to me.

Give Till It Hurts, or I'll Hurt You

2007-07-31T11:47:00.000-07:00

You know, Margalit, you can dish it out, but you can't take it.
When you make the sweeping generalization that anyone who didn't participate in Blogagthon this weekend are selfish assholes who NEVER give to charity-
"Do you volunteer? Do you give to charity? Of course you don't."
- expect to receive some flak.

How do you know that they don't volunteer or give to charity?
Because they don't blog about it, you say?
Oh, gee, I guess that means they have some class; most people who do good deeds don't proclaim to the world how wonderful they are and how self-sacrificing they are, all the while patting themselves on the back, because not everybody is tacky and tasteless like you are.

The real irritation with you, Margalit, is not just that you piss and moan, day in and day out, about how poor you are. The thing about you is that you bitterly begrudge every single penny anybody spends beyond a shack over their heads, a blanket and a bowl of rice.

You say you used to earn "more than 6 figures, for years" ? Well, holy fucking cow! What the Hell did YOU do with all your money, give it away?
I think your anger would be better directed at a government that mismanages/wastes our tax dollars, than belittling a woman for buying a new dress.

If all people who needed help were as bitter and complaining as you are, I wouldn't give them a fucking nickel.

Daily Prayer:
Give us this day our daily bread.
And steak. And lobster. I like lobster!
Oh, and a Caesar salad to start, please.

Please tell me how wonderful you are and how much better you are than anyone else on the planet.

I'm Sick to Deathly Hollows of Harry Potter

2007-07-25T13:24:00.001-07:00

To all you idiots who are gushing about Harry Potter, or stood in line to buy the book at midnight, or are freaking out at a store that sold it at 11:59 p.m. and 2 seconds instead of the exact stroke of midnight, or who sat up all night and read it, or have one on order but it doesn't come till Monday so you ran out to the bookstore at midnight and bought another copy, or you're screeching because your copy is missing pages (Hah! That's funny!) or are just in general blabbing about that STUPID fucking book and its bazillionaire author...
FUCK OFF!
And grow an original thought.
You make me want to puke.

Please shut the fuck up now 'kay? Thanks bye.

Sister Act

2007-07-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

My husband springs this on me this morning:
"My mom called and she's flying up to the *City-I-fucking-HATE* this weekend to visit my sister. I thought we could ride up Saturday and spend the night and come home Sunday."
He would think that, because he's an idiot.

First of all, I do not like surprises or last minute plans that do NOT involve just relaxing and sitting on my ass. Second of all, this would not exactly be a nice, social, family visit. I have been married to my husband for over 7 years and I have never met his mom.
I've talked to her twice on the phone, for about a minute. Mostly, because she's crazy and the first few years my husband had no desire to see her, either. I've seen how his family dynamics goes in cycles and his mother is the instigator AND also an enabler and co-dependent and probably a lot more things. It's like, one member of the family is upset with another, and his mom takes sides and stirs the shit-pot. Then they make up and gang up on someone else. Just a never ending cycle of Drama.

I just don't want to deal with that bullshit. Actually I don't. I have only met most of his family a couple of times, except his father and step-mother who used to live in the same town as us, so we saw them frequently. My husband's daughter? Oh my God, she is a whole other mess, but we haven't talked to her in four years.

My husband is actually the calm and reasonable one in the family now (which is pretty damn funny, if you knew his whole crazy history.) His middle sister is on drugs, in and out of jail, and my mother-in-law has basically raised her 3 grandchildren from that one. The youngest sister (the one he was saying we should go visit this weekend) I thought she was the normal one. She has a nice husband, 3 nice little girls.
Well, the last time I talked to her was 4 years ago, when my father-in-law died. My husband was trying to make the arrangements (helping his step-mother). The druggie sister couldn't come to the funeral because she couldn't leave the state of California because she was on probation, so instead, she e-mailed a beautiful, sweet letter for my husband to read for her at the eulogy. Well, the youngest "normal" sister arrived the night before the funeral, saw the letter and threw a fucking FIT and said my husband couldn't read that. We weren't there to see her hissy-fit, the WHOLE family was gathered at the step-mother's house. My husband's step-brother called (I also thought he was one of the normal and successful ones in the family) and said,
"Your sister doesn't want the letter from your other sister read at the eulogy."
Say WHAT?

I didn't hear the whole thing, but my husband was upset, of course, and hung up the phone and just started crying. I didn't know what this was all about, either, some roundabout power struggle between the two sisters, I guess, but THIS was NOT the time or place. I was pissed!

The phone rang again and it was the step-brother again. Oh, no way! Give me that fucking phone! I said,
"D, I don't know what's going on but your family is fucking NUTS, and you better get a GRIP on this situation RIGHT NOW! My own father died when I was 22 years old, so I've been there, but I had NO idea people could act like such stupid, crazed, selfish, ASSHOLES at a time like this. My husband just wants to give his father a nice funeral, HE is doing the eulogy because no one else is stepping up to do it and the letter from his sister is part of it and it's all been planned and that's how it's gonna be."
He coughed and said, "Uh..."

I think he was in shock. We had met each other, like, once before and I thought he was a really nice guy and I felt kinda bad for yelling at him, but, yeah.
Then I said to put the sister on the phone. I told her the same scenario of how it was going to be and I added, "so you're going to sit there and SUCK it up and if you can't? Then don't bother coming" and I hung up.
A few minutes later, the Pastor called back and talked to my husband and said he had everyone calmed down and to go ahead with the eulogy as planned.
Hah!

So the whole day at the funeral and at the gathering afterwards, the sister avoided us and didn't say shit to us, but my husband said when he was up at the podium doing the eulogy, she sat there smirking and squirming and making frowny faces.
Fuck her immature little ass! She is the SAME age as me! Acting like a baby.

So yeah, I don't think I'm going on any family visit this weekend.
I've already got that Wedding from Hell coming up, so I don't need to ruin this entire weekend, too. I don't need the stress and I don't think I need anymore excuses than what I just told you, do I?

Oh, and speaking of the Wedding from Hell; what idiot plans an outdoor wedding for August at 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon? Where we live and it could well be 105 degrees? Formal wear, mind you. I picture the bride and groom and all the groomsmen in their black tuxes passing out before the "exchange of vows", at least.
And I picture the altar bouquets bursting into FLAME somewhere just before the recessional.
Oh, and guess what else? Since I'm not actually in the wedding party or obligated to stay late or help clean up, I get to be the baby-sitter. Isn't that nice? I just found that out yesterday. So there goes another ruined weekend.

I swear to God, I'm just gonna run away by myself for a weekend. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

Daily Prayer:
Yes, another reason why I like Winter;
No weddings and no random, traveling relatives.

Should I forgive and forget?
Or should I hold my grudge, I mean, ground?

Another Big Surprise - NOT

2007-07-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

Why am I suddenly doing these personality quizzes?
It's stupid.
I blame Miss Ann Thrope.

I also blame my husband who never seems to be at work anymore, although he still gets paid. I wish I had a fucking job like that and I wish he'd get the fuck OUT of my hair! I need my space. To blog, heh-heh.
And he never shuts up! "Blah-blah-blah..." just be fucking QUIET for a while, would ya? That's how he got me to marry him, he just started talking and wouldn't shut up and threw, "Will you marry me?" in there and I couldn't get a word in edgewise and the next thing I knew? We were married.
Yesterday I shampooed the carpets which drove him into the bedroom and he was afraid to come out or I'd yell at him. Then he tip-toed out and went outside.

Anyway, it's funny how these quizzes peg me. They are quite right.

What color is your soul painted?

Black

Your soul is painted the color black, which embodies the characteristics of modernity, formality, power, sophistication, elegance, wealth, mystery, style, anger, sadness, remorse, rebellion, loss, discord, confusion, and absorbing negativity. Black falls under the element of Earth, and symbolizes outer space and the universe, and in some cultures black represents fertility and wisdom.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Are you surprised?
Do you ever get sick of your spouse or significant other and want them to disappear?

This is Interesting

2007-07-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Brutally Honest Personality Test

Your Score: Crackpot - INTJ
33% Extroversion, 73% Intuition, 80% Thinking, 53% Judging

People hate you.

Paris Hilton hates Nicole Richie. Lex Luther hates Superman. Garfield hates Mondays.
But none these even rates against the insurmountable hate people have for you.

I mean, you're pretty damn clever and you know it. You love to flaunt your potential. Heard the word "arrogant" lately? How about "jerk?" Or perhaps they only say that behind your back.

That's right. I know I can say this cause you're not going to cry. You're not exactly the most emotional person. You'd rather spend time with your theoretical questions and abstract theories than with other people.

Ever been kissed? Ever even been on a date? Trust me, your inflated ego is a complete turnoff with the opposite sex and I am telling you, you're not that great with relationships as it is. You're never going to be a dude or chick magnet, purely because you're more concerned with yourself than others. Meh. They all hate you already anyway.

How about this- "stubborn?" Hrm? Heard that lately? All those facts which don't fit your theories must just be wrong, right? I mean, really, the vast amounts of time you spend with your head in the clouds...you're just plain strange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting test, but tell me something I don't know. There must be something to it - I took it three times, just to be sure.
"Ever even been on a date?" I've had tons of dates, and been married four times...uh...oh.
"People hate me"?
Not as much as I hate them.
Pfft.

Daily Prayer:
Go away.

What do you think?

Awards for My Friends

2007-07-18T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have been awarded some Bloggy-type honors lately.
The first is from Miss Ann Thrope and since she is my oldest and dearest Blog Friend, it means a lot to me.
Although I'm not sure what it means or what the rules are to pass it on. It's all kind of confusing and convoluted. I think I have A.D.D. Seriously. I think I'm supposed to link to some dude that originated the award, but I'm not sure. That would make him a whore, too. A Man-whore actually. I don't like Man-whores.
Anyway, go visit Miss Ann and she can explain it better. She's more entertaining than me, too.

Also, three people have given me the "Rockin' Girl Blogger" award, I'm sure you've seen it everywhere, and uh...I can't remember all who, now...A.D.D and Alzheimer's I guess...uh...maybe they'll speak up in the comments because I really appreciate it. I just can't remember who they are. Huh. One said I was inspiring her to take pictures, I remember that. Did you notice I'm trying to put lots of pictures in my blog now? It keeps people interested, especially people who have A.D.D. or other learning disabilities, they can just follow along with the pictures.
And...oh yeah, I HATE that fugly "Rockin' Girl Blogger" button! OMG! I have seen that button everywhere and it's putrid!

Blech!
So I made a new one. Let's see how long it takes for it to proliferate around the 'Net:

Here are the 5 girls I give this award to. They are fabulous and deserve attention:

1. The Friggen' Cat House.
She is witty, intelligent and works with idiots. Makes for good stories.

2. Freud's Nuthouse.
She makes me look like Little Mary Sunshine. Damn, I wish I could cuss like her! I'm trying.

3. Here in the Hills.
Naomi is an actress, play-writer, song-writer and artist. You may see pictures of her home and garden, but here and there you will hear mentioned just about anyone who is anybody in Hollywood and the Art world. She isn't just name-dropping, though. She tells the most beautiful and warm stories about her life and friends. This lady has an interesting life and obviously loves everybody and everything in it.

4. My Not-so-ordinary Life...
Kylie is a young, single mother with a sick child who manages to go to school (she is studying to become a nurse) and occasionally looks for a date. She puts up all the guy's stats and asks us to rate him. Boy, is that fun! She is strong and smart and I admire her very much.

5. Now the Party's Over.
Avalon had a little girl at a very young age and, with a little help from her own mother, has raised a successful young lady who just graduated from college. She helped her daughter in every way she could to see that she had a good start in life. Three generations of strong women who don't need a stinkin' man for anything. I like to hear that.

So grab your NEW button, ladies, and give it to 5 more women that you think of as a "Rockin' Girl Blogger".

Daily Prayer:
Dear God...
Ooo! What's that? Shiny!

Do you like the new button?
If you have that UGLY pink one, would you swap it out for my new one?

Friday the 13th

2007-07-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

My beloved water bed has bit the dust.
No, it's not because me and the Large Naked Man are wearing it out doing "the nasty" and if we were, I'm sure you don't want to picture that. You don't come here to hear about my sex life.
(It always cracks me up when people think that is something to share, unless it's connected to a funny story or something. Some things you just DO NOT want to know. Besides, if a person is "in the mood" the internet is full of porn; I think I heard once that 95% of the billions of pages on the internet are porn.)
Anyway, my husband has a bad back and Dancing Legs Syndrome, so he sleeps in the guest room. So no, we didn't break the bed.
Water bed? you say? I'm sure you're picturing shag carpets and weirdo lighting and perhaps a disco ball hanging from the ceiling, but no, it's not like that. The rest of my furniture is quite normal.

I just love my water bed because...I'll tell you a secret. I have Fibromyalgia. It makes my body hurt in different places all the time. I don't like to piss and moan about it. "Spawn or die, and move your worthless carcass out of the way," I always say.
So, sleeping on a regular bed, to me, is like sleeping on pavement. I would probably like one of those "Memory Foam" beds, but the last time I priced them they were very expensive.

This week my husband is out of town and what do I do for fun? I super clean the house, so I can sit and enjoy it without him to mess it up. I went to change the sheets on all the beds yesterday and as I tucked them in I felt dampness. Oh crap. I dried it off and checked for holes. Then I dried it more and came back 20 minutes later - MORE leaking. Oh holy shit! This was about 7:30 in the evening. I thought it wouldn't make it through the night and I also pictured waking up to WaterWorld - water everywhere, not just ruining the bed but the carpets, the sub-floor, the entire integrity of the foundation of the house - I worry about shit like that, so I immediately went about emptying it.
Round about 10:30 p.m. when it wouldn't siphon any more, I finally got it to where I could barely wrestle the mattress up and over the side of the frame and drag it out the door. I'm talking barely. I scraped my fingers and my knees and I think I now have a back injury in addition to the Fibromyalgia.

And so much for neighborhood watch. I could have been dragging my husband's dead body out the door and no one would have noticed. The guy across the street was even sitting outside with some lady (talking loud and giggling, I might add, at 10:30 at night and that continued on until 11:30 because the dumb asshole doesn't have air-conditioning and the lady had NO sense of voice volume control and that's against the Home Owner's Association rules, to not carry on any outdoor activities after 10:00 p.m.!) and didn't even notice me dragging this behemoth of a package out and down the steps. Oh, I'm just as bad? No, I'm stealth, I was quiet and left the porch light off. As if that doesn't look suspicious. Seriously, now I know how to dispose of a body; just very casually drag it out of the house after dark.

But anyway, there is ONE place in the entire area here that has water bed stuff and they actually HAVE a mattress in stock! And it's only $59 bucks!
I just have to drag the Baby with me. Do you know how hard it is to do stuff when you have a baby with you? I rarely leave the house when I have him.
Plus I'm tired, I didn't sleep well, my broken back kinda hurts and I'm just not having a good day. Speaking of which...I was out of dishwasher soap this morning and the baby had to eat and take his nap so there's no way you just "run to the store." Well, I KNEW that you shouldn't put dish soap in there, it's too foamy, but I thought to myself, "You know, the laundry soap doesn't seem to foam up much", so I put a TINY little bit in the dishwasher:

Don't put anything other than dishwashing soap in the dishwasher. You learned that from me.
Then I said to myself, "Jesus, is it Friday the...Oh my God! It is!"
Now I'm afraid to do anything.

However, I think there is a BIG difference between bad luck and just plain-old acting STUPID.

Daily Prayer:
I just want to get into bed, pull the covers over my head, go to sleep and wait for this day to be over. Oh, right! I don't HAVE a fucking bed! Dammit!

Do you love your bed? Are you picky about your bed?
Or have you had any household disasters lately?

Hair Today

2007-07-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

I found a new way to wear my hair when the damn weather is SO hot - in two braids to keep it off the back of my neck. I used to wear it that way when I was a little kid. I thought maybe I was too old and it would look ridiculous, but it looks better than pulling it back in one ponytail, I think. (What is a ponytail and what is a pigtail?) Anyway, I didn't braid it, I twisted it.
I'm a twisted sister:

Then, off I go to the store to get my husband some cough medicine (he has bronchitis again.) I figured I'd get him the kind with alcohol in it to hopefully knock him on his ass and keep from wandering about the house, naked.
(If you didn't see the post before this, you REALLY need to scroll down one and get with the PROGRAM.)
When I went to ring it up at the self-checkout (so as to avoid all possible human contact) the damn thing beeped at me. You have to be 18 to buy cough syrup with alcohol. (Why 18, when the drinking age is 21?)

So the attendant lady had to come and verify me and clear the machine so I could continue ringing up my stuff. She looked in the bag, started to swipe her card and then hesitated and tilted her head back (she had glasses, maybe they were bi-focals) and she looked at me closer. She said,
"You are 18, aren't you?"

*blink*

Now, she wasn't either really young or really old, I'd say ~cough~ middle-aged ~cough~ and if she was more than 3 years - give or take - of my age, I'd kick her. Not that I would want to kick her, I'm saying I thought she was really close to my age and I am confident enough of that fact that I wouldn't have to kick her.

I reached out and patted her shoulder and said,
"Honey, maybe you need to get new glasses."
She laughed. I laughed. She swiped her card. We giggled some more.
I was instantly in love with her.
I would have taken her to be my lesbian lover, except...I'm not gay.
Was she just being kind? Was she laughing with me? Or laughing at my silly pigtails?

I left the store with a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach. It didn't matter why she laughed.
I LOVED her.
Madly.
Deeply.

Daily Prayer:
Do you think? Really?

Do you ever wear your hair in a strange style?

The Naked Chef

2007-07-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

The other day Rachel posted this funny video about "how women shower vs. how men shower" and how men leave a mess and don't towel dry their hair and drip all over everything. I thought it was pretty funny because my husband does the same thing only he has long, thick hair so it drips over everything for at least 20 minutes.
I was NOT exaggerating, but THIS is a new one on me, I kid you not:

What. The. Fuck?
(You can't tell in this pic that he has lovely, thick, full hair because it's dripping, SOPPING wet and leaving a trail of water. Not to mention, the naked part.)

Speechless, I tell you.
For a moment, I (can you believe it?) was totally speechless.

OK, the mess in the bathroom and the dripping everywhere is one thing, but...the KITCHEN? The kitchen is NOT for nakedness!
I said,
"Honey, I'm glad you washed before you prepared food, but do ya THINK you could put some clothes on?"
He acted all incredulous,
"Of course! I was just getting the meat out to get it ready."

Well, of course. Silly me.
A man wouldn't want to start CHOPPING away with his exposed genitals that close to a KNIFE.

Daily Prayer:
God, help me!

Edit:
Dur... I'm dense to my own jokes; "Naked man" - "meat out"?
I just realized, ha-ha-ha!

Wouldn't you just love to come to a dinner party at my house?

Vacation, Part 2

2007-07-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

So after our detour and funky motel the first night, we arrived to THIS beautiful place, right on the beach!

With a fabulous view:

And beach camping:

And surfer dudes:

And of course, our clambake:

It was all pretty nice, but let me see...
~Best thing that happened - I got to see my son for two whole days! And my sister-in-law who couldn't speak English before? She's very fluent now and very funny, I love her. She's so friendly and charming. We were trying to figure out where to go to dinner one night, you know, a whole crowd of 20 people trying to decide on one place, so I asked her where she wanted to go and she says,
"Oh no! I don't decide! I just one little Asian person. All you crazy Americans, you guys, you figure out!"
I laughed my ass off, she's so adorable.

~Funniest thing that happened - We were sitting around the driveway admiring our motorcycles. We've become a motorcycle family. Of course my brother (who wants two of everything, including wives) has to have TWO of them, but anyway, we're standing around and down the street, here comes this horrible, old, clattering motor home. I was about to say,
"Oh my God, what the Hell is that?" when my nephew says, "Oh, here comes my Dad now."
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, that's my other brother, Mr. Mountain Man.

~Most psycho thing that happened - we had just got into town and went to my mom's hotel. While we were there, the people who were at the beautiful beach house where we were going to stay called us and said they had just arrived and if we were on our way, to bring some toilet paper, there was none in the whole house.
So on our way out I noticed that there was 2 extra rolls in my mom's bathroom, so I went to grab one and she said,
"No, you can't take that, it's stealing."
OK, I think when you pay $150 a night for a hotel, they kind of figure the cost of toilet paper into that price. Don't ya think?
Towels, now that's another story, I would NOT steal a hotel towel. That's rude and wrong and tacky. But, toilet paper? I said to her,
"They expect you could use all the toilet paper, that's why it's there. What if you had diarrhea or something?"

Really, I think she was totally ashamed of me that I would "steal", and also completely mortified that I would say the word "diarrhea" in front of her.
Do you THINK the maid counts the amount of toilet paper used and how many people are staying in the room and then calculates how much is missing?
Oh. My. GOD.
I've told you before, my mom is kinda...different.
I mean, that's not called being "honest", it's called "weird".
Or, as I prefer to call it, "Psycho"!

Now you know what's wrong with me; this woman was in charge of me when I was a child. It's surprising I'm not more neurotic than I already am.

Daily Prayer:
I'm glad that's over.

Do you think the toilet paper incident is strange?
Or is it just me?

Vacation, Day 1

2007-06-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

So after ~~booting~~ bidding our guests goodbye and doing 14 laps around the house to make sure everything was packed up, locked up and turned off, we headed out a day early for the family reunion so we could take our time and not be in a hurry. We checked the roads and our routes and the weather looked absolutely perfect for the entire time we'd be gone. We were cleared for take-off and off we went.

We were tooling along, just outside of town, when we should come to the highway we're going to ride to the coast. The SAME highway, the SAME number, all the way through. There's a GIANT sign with a diagram of a road forking into two roads with a road number labeling each one, again in GIANT letters. This sign was about the size of your average bill board. Mr. I'm-The-Man-and-I-Know-Where-I'm-Going (and never mind that he had a Yahoo! MAP clipped to the windshield of his motorcycle) well, you know how men are. I saw the big sign and he veered to the right when we were supposed to go left and you'd be so proud of me, you know what I said? Nothing. Well, in my head I screamed,
"NO! You're going the WRONG way! Go LEFT, you dumbass! Are you NOT looking at the MAP you have right in front of your STUPID eyes! STOP! Turn around! You IDIOT!"
But, no. I sighed and said to myself,
"Fuck it. At least I'm enjoyin' the ride."

About an hour and 50 road miles later he pulls into the (only) place to stop, Detroit. No, not the "Rock City" or the place in Michigan. Detroit, Oregon, population 262. (Sal-LUTE!)
Mr. I-Have-A-Map says, "Where ARE we? Did I take a wrong turn?"
I said, "Yep, WAY back by that GIANT sign showing the fork in the road, you were supposed to veer left."
He says, "WAY back there? Why didn't you SAY something?!"
I said, calmly, "You say I always nag. I wasn't going to ruin our vacation by nagging."
"Dammit!" he screams, "not when we're getting lost!"
"I wasn't lost," I say, "I knew that we were just on the wrong highway."
"Dammit!" he says. I followed him into the store and as I went to remove my sunglasses, the ear piece snapped off.
"Dammit!" I cried.
We have now renamed Detroit to Dammit!, Oregon.

At least it was a lovely and well stocked little store, so while Mr. I-Have-A-Map-But-Now-I-Need-To-Look-At-Another-One was busy getting directions from the store clerk, I found these cool sunglasses with rhinestones in them for $6.99.
Sup-er-STAR!

I donned my shades and leaned up against the wall and silently memorized the directions the clerk was explaining to Mr. I-Can-Follow-Directions.
Sup-er-STAR!

So, long story short, we made a big loop back to the highway we were supposed to be on and probably only went a couple of hours out of our way. But the weather was perfect, not hot, not cold, and it was so nice to see GREEN trees and country side. Damn if I didn't get pictures but it's hard to do from a motorcycle, if you know what I mean. We dumped out onto the coast a little before 7:00 p.m.
Not wanting to waste a bunch on a motel and a view we were only going to see for a couple hours, we found a cute little place ($50 bucks) owned by an 85 year-old War Veteran and his wife. Sweethearts. Our room was old and beat up, yet clean, and if you stood on your toes and craned your neck to the left, you could see the ocean! And if you looked straight ahead over the rooftops, you had a lovely view of the brand new four-story Shilo Inn where I would have rather stayed! (I looked it up online, it was $159 a night.) And if you averted your eyes slightly to the right, there was a guy on a cherry picker fixing the roof! Right outside my window! Talk about a view!
I hoped he would be gone by the time we got back from dinner. So we left and went downtown to find something to eat.

Newport?
They should call it "Old-port" or "Dirty-port" or "Smell-port" or "Grungy-port". The town needs a good scrubbin'. It was established in 1882 and it ain't been wiped down since. I swear, they need to dump a barge-load of soap into the harbor and wait for a Tsunami to come and wash over the town.
Blech. Everything, everywhere we went, was covered in a layer of dirt, scunge or seagull shit. At one point this big ol' tanker truck of...I'm guessing fish, comes around the corner and as it turns, water or sea water or fish juice or whatever is in there, sloshes over the side and splatters onto the street and sprays my husband's bike! Yuck.

Next morning after we washed the fish juice off and fought with the TV trying to watch the morning news (it kept going out whenever we ran the coffee pot) and listened to our hotel host's stories of his world travels during WWII (interesting!), we went back downtown and walked along the docks. I was gonna crop this picture to make it prettier, but I figured, WHY?

That gives you the general feel of the town. That is not land in the foreground, it's the layer of scunge that sits all along the bay.
It's also home to these cute, fat-asses:

They sit up on the rocks (top left of the pic below) and bark. I guess to say,
"Here comes another boat! More free food!"

It really was a charming little port, but it was time to leave and head up the coast to meet the family...

Daily Prayer:
I'll lead, YOU follow.

Do you have a favorite coastal town?

Sadness

2007-06-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

If you know Dawg or even if you don't, maybe you can go give him a little cyber-hug.
Or maybe, just say a prayer for him, his family, and his little Angel.
Avitable is starting a fund to help out.
Click the picture to go there.

Daily Prayer:
Please help them, God.

Dang I'm Tired

2007-06-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to recover from my vacation.
I need a vacation from my vacation.

That shit looks so relaxing, doesn't it? Looks can be deceiving.
I will be back soon to regale you with stories of my adventures.
In the meantime, have a clam:

Goodnight!

Things That Make You Go, "WTF?"

2007-06-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

Not too many things shock me so it's always interesting to have a "Well! I never!" moment.
I was online chatting with KG (I can see her on her web-cam, but she can't see me, ha-ha!) and I look out the window and see this:

People working on a roof, no big deal, but what is that? A ball? How does it balance perfectly on the roof like that?
Wait, NO! It's a baby. Silly me.
Uh...What?!

Don't people know roofs are dangerous places for babies?!
I'm terrified of heights, so I couldn't believe it.

Our Baby will stay safely on the ground, thank you very much. There are much safer activities he can participate in:

Some people are just lousy parents.

Daily Prayer:
At least put a helmet on that baby!

What's the craziest thing you've ALLOWED your children to do?

Hosting Issues

2007-06-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

Fuck.

Being the gracious host to guests does NOT pay. Now some fucker (he's actually a nice guy, but I don't fucking care right now) that was here last weekend has called and basically invited himself and another guy up to spend the night next weekend. Who the fuck does that?
(Can you tell I'm really pissed because I'm using the word "fuck" more than usual? Yes?)
Has anyone ever heard...that's rude?! How fucking cheap are you that you can't get a motel for the night? I don't go around inviting myself to people's houses. I wanna go somewhere, I get my money together and I go online and order a motel. Hell, most of the time when people invite me somewhere I'd RATHER stay at a motel. And none of this, "Let's all share a room because it's cheaper" like some people do, yuck.
WTF? Are we in high school or something? God.

I should have put dog shit in their room. I should have gave them the dirty, used rag towels I used to dry the dog off with after I washed her. Then again, not that a man would notice any of that. I shouldn't have fed them. That might have done it.

And the one guy isn't so bad, but I know the other guy he's bringing (from where we used to live) and he tends to get on my nerves and I've never even had him stay over, so this could be fun. If people get on my nerves for a short amount of time, I can put up with it or I can leave, but don't irritate me when I'm trapped in my own house! Nothing pisses me off more. My house is MY HOUSE. Fucking doofus husband is lucky I let him stay here and pay the bills. Selfish asshole and his stupid friends.

I guess they're only staying one night and it wouldn't even be so bad, but the next day we are leaving to go to the dreaded family reunion. So my weekend was already fucked up and now it's gonna be TOTALLY and DOUBLE fucked up. I need the time before we leave to decompress and prepare to be stressed. I HATE family reunions.

At least the reunion is at the coast, one of my favorite places in the world (Along the world? Along the edges of the world?) so I'll have something interesting to do. Unless it's cold and windy, as the coast is wont to be, in which case, I'll just have something interesting to look at. Keep an eye out for Tsunami's and shit. Being a pessimist has kind of ruined that whole "I love the ocean" feeling for me. I still love it but, damn! I used to kind of laugh at those "Tsunami escape route" signs until a couple years ago.
I THINK about that shit.
Why?

But yeah, the family reunion. Ugh. And it's near my brother's house, so we'll see if he has a "room-mate", heh-heh. He did change his profile page on that site, now it just says "If you want to chat, get in touch with me" so I don't know if that means he gave up looking for another girl or if he found one. Oh, and instead of being TWO years younger than me (He's eight years OLDER than me) now he's SIX years younger than me, by the calendar date he put, although when he entered his numerical age, he can't even fucking COUNT! so it says he's THREE years younger than me.
Idiot. Retard. Seriously, he's brain damaged or something. Can't even count his FAKE age.
If he has a "room-mate" I just might flip the fuck out. And ew, NOT sit on the furniture. God knows what goes on in that house, anyway. I will NOT stay at his house. See, me being all smart and NOT cheap, with the motel thing.

I HATE motels too, though. They are disgusting cesspools of other people's germs and God knows what disgusting things all those different people have been doing in the rooms. So actually, we're staying at a time-share and I know all the people who share it and they're all clean enough. It's pushing my limits, though.
*sigh*

Daily Prayer:
I wish I could just live in a cocoon.
And never come out.

Do you have a family reunion coming up this summer?

It's Over

2007-06-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

The man I love is leaving me.
Years of a relationship, over.
I've been through this before, but this time, it hurts so deeply.
How can I go through this, again?

I am numb.
When he walks out and shuts the door for that final time, I will be left with only the long, empty nights.
I have not cried yet, but I know the tears will come.
Goodbye, Tony.

Showing My Ass

2007-06-04T22:07:00.000-07:00

I love Levi's. Not any old "jeans", I mean Levi's brand, registered trademark Levi's. In fact, I rarely (almost never) wear any pants or shorts that are NOT Levi's.

(This is not a Pay per Post, either. You people who do Pay Per Posts should stop, too. Don't you notice that no one responds? It's not because they're not interested or ignoring it, it's because they HATE you for doing Pay Per Posts and they are embarrassed for you and will soon quit reading your blog altogether, so yeah, you should quit.)

Anyhoo, I needed some new Levi's shorts so I looked online and found that Wal-Mart had them (I hate Wal-mart, too, but I'm poor and it's just down the street, so shut up.)
They had Levi's in short-shorts or long shorts or cargo shorts or Capri's. Ooo! Capri's! Those would be cool! So off I went to the store to get some.
Well, it turns out my rinky-dink store in Podunk Town doesn't have ANY of the stuff they showed online and I want them, now! But I figured, while I was there, I would look for something else. I saw some cute Capri's in all kinds of other brands so I grabbed a bunch to try on.

First pair - fabric is too flimsy,
Second pair - legs are too tight when I sit down cross-legged, (yes, I sit down cross-legged in the dressing room, don't you?)
Third pair - camel toe, NO!
Fourth pair - Ooo! These are cute AND they have cargo pockets. Nice fit, not tight, no camel toe, perfect. Should I buy some in the other color, too? No, if they were my beloved Levi's I would, but I better make sure these will work.

I take them home, wash them, put them on again, and admire how cute they are in the mirror. I go around the house a little, sit at the computer a while, oh-so-comfortable in my lovely new Capri's.
I get up and look in the mirror again.
"Silly, to only buy Levi's," I think to myself, "When I look so cute in these."
What's 20 years of loyalty? Over 20 years.
20 years? You'd think there was a reason for that?

Over 20 years?

I began going around the house, cleaning, doing housework, when something started nagging at me. Something wasn't quite right.
20 years? Was I a traitor?
Was I just so used to my precious Levi's?
Something was bothering me...something was...I couldn't quite put my finger on it...it...it...hmmm.

I ran to the mirror for about the 10th time that day. No! Still cute! No camel toe! But...but...something just feels funny, not uncomfortable really, but not quite right. What IS it? They're comfy, but...but...I grabbed the hand mirror and turned around in the full length mirror...BUTT!
That's it! Oh. My. God! Fuckers!

My BUTT! That was the weird feeling. In my quest to be sure the pants were not tight and to make sure there was no camel toe, I had completely neglected the back. I had no idea until I walked around a bit and it felt funny. The son of a bitches are crawling into the crack of my ASS! Dammit!
Do you SEE what's happening here?

The seam, the way the pants are cut, it's all WRONG. I don't just choose Levi's for looks, I also choose them for fit and comfort and they DO NOT crawl into the crack of my ASS!
I don't like things in my ASS (well, there was a couple of times, but I was very drunk) but...my ass! My ASS!

Another reason I LOVE eBay.
"For sale, 1 pair ladies Capri's, like NEW, except they been in my ASS."

Daily Prayer:
Get off my butt!

Has this ever happened to you?
Are you loyal to a certain brand of clothing?

Sleepover Play Date

2007-06-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

My husband has invited a bunch of guys to go to a motorcycle thing and stay at our house this weekend. The one girl who I really like isn’t coming, so I'm kinda bummed. Plus, I don't mind one or two people staying at our house now and then, but what's with this,
"Everybody come on up, we have plenty of room!"

No, we DON'T have plenty of room. We have a bedroom and we have ONE guest room and the office room is part office, part baby's room (and part trash heap thanks to my husband ) so there's no room in there. We have "plenty of room" for a single person or a couple.
WTF? We're adults. Why are we still planning slumber parties?

Here's some of the stuff that irritates me about having guests:

~Don't set your crap all over my living room. Put it in the guest room or ~~trash heap~~ office room.

~If your shoes are dirty and you KNOW they're dirty, don't ask me if it's OK. Take them the fuck OFF. It's my home, not a barn, not a garage. You'll see when you get inside, that I keep it nice. It's no more considerate to ask me if it's OK to walk your muddy shoes into my house than to ask if you can shit in the middle of the living room floor. Duh.

~Don't hang your coats over my dining chairs. Especially your heavy leather motorcycle jacket and vest that weighs about 50 lbs. with all the metal run pins and buckles and chain extenders clattering against my nice wooden chairs.
It's a CHAIR, not a coat-rack. It's made to hold your big, fat ass, but the back is not made to hold heavy shit. If no one is sitting in the chair and I go to move it, the chair usually falls over.
I've had enough chairs join the biker food chain, (you know, ashes to ashes, dust to dust?) It's getting expensive.

~That is why I have a black leather couch. Speaking of the leather couch; if you're too warm and you think you're sticking to the couch, then you probably don't have enough clothes on.

~No one uses my master bathroom except me and a few close Sista’s.
(My husband doesn't even use it. The Guest bathroom is really his, but he only uses it to pee on the floor, create stink bombs, and occasionally splash muddy water around when I remind him that he's getting ripe and it's bathy-time.)
If you're a man and my husband offers you to use my bathroom, politely decline. I don’t want weenie shakin’s on my toilet or walls. This is part of the reason I painted my bathroom pink. Pink naturally repels Men.

~Don't set your crap all over my Guest bathroom. My friend did this once. She uses way too many toiletries and make-up and she needs a separate suitcase to hold it all, I swear. See that cute little decorative shelf above the toilet?

She proceeds to take all the little model motorcycles off of it and line up all her friggen make-up and lotions and crap up there! I don’t want other guests seeing that and thinking I use all that crap! So I politely moved the plant out of the room and put her stuff on the counter. Maybe it's just a bathroom, but it's decorated. Don't fuck with my decorating!

~Don't make a mess in my kitchen. If you can't cook or run water or eat without splashing shit everywhere, then go to McDonald's.

~ And don't wash your hands in my kitchen sink, either. Ew. That's what the nicely decorated Guest bathroom is for!

~When I say to leave your dirty plates on the counter, I mean it. My sink has a "clean side" and a "dirty side". The "dirty side" is obviously the one with the garbage disposal in it, WHY oh WHY can’t people understand that?!

~Don’t use my kitchen sponge to scrub your plates and your utensils that have been in your mouth (see above). Ick. I don't want your slobber all over my kitchen sponge. And it's a waste of my water to scrub your plate when it’s going in the dishwasher, anyway. You rinse it off under the running water and in it goes.

~Don't get up before I get up. Lay there quietly until an appropriate hour.

~Don't stay up too late. When I yawn and say I'm tired, that is your cue to go into your room and shut the fuck up.

I'm sure I'll think of more stuff after the weekend's over, but that's the list off the top of my head.

Daily Prayer:
There's this really nice place down the road...they'll "leave the light on for ya."

Do you have lots of room for company?

Dog Days of Summer

2007-05-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

I wish I was a dog.
Yeah, yeah, I know, insert rude comment here, like,
"You ARE a dog" or
"Well, you're a Bitch" or
"Your mama's a dog".

I was trying to fill up the pool for the (human) baby to play in when my other baby comes charging in the yard and dives right in. She LOVES water.
When I first got her, I filled up a 5-gallon bucket outside for her to drink water. She promptly stuck her two front feet in the bucket and stood there.
What she's doing in these pictures is "digging" with her front feet so the water splashes up.

Then I gave her a bath with "Head and Shoulders" shampoo.
I guess we should call it, "Head and Shoulders and Ass and Tail" shampoo.

Daily Prayer:
Lord, it's hotter than Hell already.

I'm sick of Summer and it hasn't even started. How about you?